diff --git a/.github/workflows/deploy.yml b/.github/workflows/deploy.yml new file mode 100644 index 0000000..47d5cac --- /dev/null +++ b/.github/workflows/deploy.yml @@ -0,0 +1,45 @@ +name: Deploy Quartz site to GitHub Pages + +on: + push: + branches: + - v4 + +permissions: + contents: read + pages: write + id-token: write + +concurrency: + group: "pages" + cancel-in-progress: false + +jobs: + build: + runs-on: ubuntu-22.04 + steps: + - uses: actions/checkout@v3 + with: + fetch-depth: 0 # Fetch all history for git info + - uses: actions/setup-node@v3 + with: + node-version: 18.14 + - name: Install Dependencies + run: npm ci + - name: Build Quartz + run: npx quartz build + - name: Upload artifact + uses: actions/upload-pages-artifact@v2 + with: + path: public + + deploy: + needs: build + environment: + name: github-pages + url: ${{ steps.deployment.outputs.page_url }} + runs-on: ubuntu-latest + steps: + - name: Deploy to GitHub Pages + id: deployment + uses: actions/deploy-pages@v2 \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/.gitkeep b/content/.gitkeep deleted file mode 100644 index e69de29..0000000 diff --git a/content/Art/Pixel Art Methods.md b/content/Art/Pixel Art Methods.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..56e50fe --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Art/Pixel Art Methods.md @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +Our recent success in art has been thanks to the following: + +**Measurement:** By precisely measuring proportions, positions, and angles on our references, our shape accuracy has gotten astronomically better. + +**Pixel Art Aesthetic:** This art style is simple and allows for easy trial and error, as well as hiding mistakes and making simpler details, shading, and colors acceptable. + +**Dithering:** Dithering allows for partial shading in a restricted color palette. By making sparing use of this technique, our art has been made a bit better. + +**Bezier Curves:** By using Bezier curves instead of freehanding, we're able to draw curves much more precisely. + +**Modern Image Software:** Image software just make art easier than pencil in paper. Things like zooming in, managing layers, etc make a huge difference. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Art/images/sprigatito-base-large.png b/content/Art/images/sprigatito-base-large.png new file mode 100644 index 0000000..531886b Binary files /dev/null and b/content/Art/images/sprigatito-base-large.png differ diff --git a/content/Art/works/Sprigatito.md b/content/Art/works/Sprigatito.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..00b823d --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Art/works/Sprigatito.md @@ -0,0 +1,14 @@ +This is the first good art I've made! People I shared it with seemed to like it a lot. + +I love cats, Pokémon, and [[Loving Cuteness|cuteness]], so it's no wonder why I adore Sprigatito. It's my favorite Pokémon. + +I fell in love with his 3D model in Pokémon Scarlet and Violet because he always had such a dopey cross-eyed expression, so I tried to incorporate that into my design a little bit. + +Since I made it out of a bunch of smaller parts, I might create [[Project Zinc|Zinc]] to animate it. +Having him move his head down, causing his whiskers and ears to shake, while he closes its eyes and opens his mouth in a smile would be an adorable animation. + +I was able to do so well because I tried some [[Pixel Art Methods|new strategies]]. They really paid off! + +I'm really happy that I drew Sprigatito; I feel like I was able to capture and exaggerate the details I personally adore, and the result is that I love what I have created. I feel a personal connection with this and it feels like a souvenir, an emblem of a cherished part of my life. + +![[sprigatito-base-large.png]] \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Health/Being the Zebra.md b/content/Health/Being the Zebra.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0d5cc7d --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Health/Being the Zebra.md @@ -0,0 +1,31 @@ +I heard that an oft-repeated phrase in medicine is: + +> When you hear the sound of hooves, think horses, not zebras. + +Effectively, this means that doctors should expect more common medical conditions before considering rare ones. + +Fine in theory. This would work for most people. + +But what becomes of the zebras? + +Doctors probably don't see rare conditions very often, hence the label. I would expect that their intuition for diagnosing common conditions is stronger than for rare ones since the former gets used way more often. This is great... if you're a horse. + +I suspect that this is the primary reason why the medical system has thus far failed to diagnose my [[The Disease|disease]]. Doctors try to explain my symptoms using those common diagnoses, but there's always missing context, unexplained symptoms, and something that doesn't quite add up. + +## Small-Fiber Neuropathy + +After the November 2021 [[Flare-Ups|flare-up]], I had constant pain covering my entire body. Desperate for answers, I eventually got seen by a neurologist. He diagnosed me with small-fiber neuropathy, a condition where damage to the small-fiber peripheral nerves were damaged. This did not appear to explain why there was pain in my face and on my eyes, nor the progression of the condition. + +One day, there was a dull pain in the back of my eyes and my vision suddenly blurred, and nothing I did made it go away. Periodically, the blur would fade in and out, until it stopped. Later that day, I noticed that my vision had gotten darker. It never recovered. This appeared to very closely match the description for optic neuritis. This was very interesting, because it strongly pointed to an autoimmune nervous system disease like multiple sclerosis, something I had already theorized before. + +I tried to be subtle when talking to doctors, floating bits and pieces of my theory to them to see if they would consider it. I never told them the full theory, because I knew they would dismiss it as self-diagnosis and probably be biased *against* investigating it. This consideration did not happen. The neurologist said the symptom "didn't match up" with the diagnosis. Instead of considering that he was incorrect, he instead assumed it was something unrelated, despite happening during a flare-up. It's really odd for someone so young to just suddenly lose their vision like that, but what do I know? + +In response to the discrepancies I noted between the diagnosis and my actual symptoms and progression, the neurologist told me to just wait for a nerve biopsy test to confirm his diagnosis. This took several months. The end result was negative. All of that time, wasted. + +In fact, the neurologist was so confident that he claimed that his diagnosis was "the only possible neurologic explanation." This singular quote felt like the epitome of my entire experience, because of just how badly it would age in spite of its confidence. + +## Progression + +The current phase of my disease involved the sudden progression of cognitive symptoms, hallucinations and sudden large muscle jerks at night, and, most critically, breathing dysfunction at night, with breathing continually slowing to a stop before restarting. Had I believed the neurologist, I would have been extremely shocked. But somehow, I managed to predict the otherwise extremely unlikely onset of brain damage at age 21. + +This is what being a zebra gets you. Even if you know exactly what you have, you're forced to watch as doctors fumble with horse diagnoses as your condition deteriorates more and more. I'm sure I will thoroughly enjoy my prize of cynicism, preventable damage, and a potentially life-threatening symptom. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Health/Causes of Death.md b/content/Health/Causes of Death.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a70773e --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Health/Causes of Death.md @@ -0,0 +1,32 @@ +There are three main ways I predict for [[the disease]] to be fatal: + +## Autonomic + +This refers to a catastrophic failure of the brain's automatic control of processes in the body. It appears to be the most likely option due to what appears to be heavy involvement of the brainstem and/or cranial nerves. Causes from this category include: + +- Sudden cardiac arrest due to heart arrhythmia +- Respiratory failure due to failure to regulate breathing +- Dangerous blood pressure levels due to failure to regulate it +- Aspiration pneumonia due to dysphagia +- Sepsis from a UTI due to urinary retention +- Falls or accidents due to balance issues or low blood pressure + +## Motor + +This refers to the loss of the brain's ability to control the muscles. Causes from this category include: + +- Respiratory failure due to paralysis of the lungs +- Falls or accidents due to partial weakness or paralysis + +## Mental + +This refers to the dysfunction of cognitive processes, emotional regulation, and perception of reality due to brain damage. Causes from this category include: + +- Risky behavior or violence due to delusions, disinhibition, or drastic personality damage +- Suicide due to unbearable suffering or the above + +## Other Causes + +These are niche causes that may also happen, but are probably quite unlikely: + +- Falls or accidents due to diminished senses (e.g. vision and hearing) \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Health/Flare-Ups.md b/content/Health/Flare-Ups.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1312560 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Health/Flare-Ups.md @@ -0,0 +1,47 @@ +A flare-up of my condition can be triggered physically: + +- When the neck is bent for an extended period of time +- When lifting heavy objects +- When high amounts of pressure are placed on the disc + +The herniated disc's location is C7-T1, the base of the cervical spine. + +Flare-ups cause weeks or months of pain and symptom progression. They often cause permanent damage. **They must be avoided at all costs.** + +Physical flare-ups typically take effect 24 hours after the inciting event. + +The tell-tale signs of a physical flare-up are: + +- Dull pain in the C7-T1 location +- Many distinct instances of pain triggered by moving within seconds of each other +- Explosion of neurological pain and sensory symptoms the next day + +## Physical Flare-Up Events + +These events caused flare-ups of my disease: + +| Apparent Cause | Date | Effects | +| ------------------------------------- | -------------- | -------------------------------------------------------------- | +| Original herniation | 4/3/21 | After initial weakness, pain in hands | +| Working | Summer 2021 | Pain spread to legs, numbness in arms | +| Carrying dad's scooter, neck bent | September 2021 | Pain spread to face, neck, back of head | +| Bending neck to take exam for 2 hours | 11/10/21 | Pain spread to full body, bladder issues, optic neuritis, POTS | + +## Non-Physical Flare-Up Events + +These flare-ups were **not likely to be caused** by any physical event: + +| Date | Effects | +| -------- | ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | +| 11/27/23 | Breathing that slows and stops, extreme myoclonus, and auditory hallucinations, all when trying to sleep, nasal myoclonus; NO increase in pain | + +## Physical Non-Events + +These events were expected to possibly cause a flare-up, but **did not**: + +| Date | Event | +| -------- | ------------------------------------------------------------------ | +| 12/25/23 | Hugged by mom, arm wrapped around neck with force right above disc, foo bar baz | +| 12/5/23 | Was sat up for several hours being out and about, shoulders hurt | + +TODO: Add more of these \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Health/Optical Anomalies.md b/content/Health/Optical Anomalies.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..64ea217 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Health/Optical Anomalies.md @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +TODO: Include the digital recreation of one of my visual disturbances and try to recrete the shadow/ripple one from moving eyes to the side and turning head. Print out to show the eye doctor \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Health/The Disease.md b/content/Health/The Disease.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2160921 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Health/The Disease.md @@ -0,0 +1,103 @@ +The Disease is a malignant process that has been slowly deteriorating my neurological function since April 2021. + +It is disabling and potentially fatal. + +Because of this, it is critical for me to be ready for anything. + +## Onset + +During my time working at Texas Roadhouse, physical labor and long working hours led to me developing upper back pain. Eventually, while writing names on bags, my arms suddenly dropped with weakness and numbness. An MRI scan much later would show a C7-T1 herniated disc. Weakness and numbness in the arms recovered after a week, and symptoms began in the hands soon after. + +## Symptoms and Progression + +### Physical + +**Active:** + +- Random neuropathic pain and fasciculations nearly everywhere in the body, which includes the face and head +- [[Optical Anomalies|Visual disturbances]] +- Permanent vision loss in right eye +- Double vision in right eye +- Shadows/blind spots that only appear when moving eyes and head a certain way +- Random moments of vertigo +- Tingling on the entire left side of the face +- Auditory hallucinations when trying to sleep +- Large-scale involuntary movements when trying to sleep, to the point of both arms shooting off the bed, suddenly sitting up, or all four limbs violently jerking completely involuntarily +- Automatic breathing continually slows down and stops when trying to sleep +- Difficulty emptying bladder (takes several seconds to minutes) +- Frequent urination +- Slow/weak urination +- Worse balance +- Sometimes passing gas involuntarily (sphincter weakness?) +- No urge to have a bowel movement + +**Dormant:** + +- Tremor in chest +- Legs feeling heavy +- Episode of whole body weakness for 2 days, bad enough to need a wheelchair + +### Cognitive + +**Active:** + +- Difficulty remembering things, short and long term +- Misreading words, forming incorrect sentence structures, forgetting words, writing incorrect words + * Reading errors usually consist of words that have similar letters + Examples: + Prototypical -> Philosophical + Word -> More + * Writing errors usually consist of words that are part of the same category or have similar letters + Examples: + Pie -> Ice cream + Channel -> Chill +- Internal monologue randomly becoming senseless babbling + +**Dormant:** + +- None + + +Progression of the disease mostly happens in distinct flare-ups, followed by remissions, the history of which is documented [[Flare-Ups|here]]. Historically, they have been directly caused by pressure on the disc, but recently, flare-ups appear to be happening independently of this. Some symptoms, such as vertigo and mild cognitive symptoms, developed outside of a marked flare-up event. + +## Classification + +I believe that the disease is ultimately an atypical form of multiple sclerosis, triggered by and exacerbated by my herniated disc's contact with the spinal cord, triggering a runaway autoimmune response that could be classified as multiple sclerosis. + +Periods of recovery and unnoticeable activity suggest a relapsing-remitting pattern characteristic of RRMS. + +Multiple sclerosis commonly involves optic neuritis, bladder issues, balance issues, cognitive symptoms, and other CNS-related dysfunctions. I have all of these. + +A spine specialist noted that the herniated disc, while being in close proximity to the spinal cord, should not impede function. This lends credibility to the autoimmunity hypothesis, wherein the immune system is responsible for the damage, not the disc itself. + +### Congenital Dormant Autoimmunity Theory + +Still, a herniated disc leading to an autoimmune attack on the central nervous system seems to be an undocumented phenomenon; I have seen not one medical paper describing such an interaction. If this is not multiple sclerosis, it may be an extremely rare disease, and I may be the only person in the world who has it due to unusual environmental factors. Some argue that [multiple sclerosis is a spectrum of demyelinating diseases](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inflammatory_demyelinating_diseases_of_the_central_nervous_system) with numerous specific causes, including multiple classes of autoantibodies and different environmental factors. + +I nearly died shortly after birth. Although I don't fully remember the details, my mother's immune system was destroying my own cells, and I required multiple blood transfusions. + +This may have caused my immune system to learn to target a specific protein in an aggressive manner that happens to appear in my neurons or the surrounding myelin insulation. It may be that response to a spinal cord injury (such as minor compression) causes a flood of immune cells to target my spinal cord and eventually brain, detecting the presence of this protein. + +Essentially, this would mean that this condition had been lying dormant for 18 years before finally striking once there was an injury on or very close to my spinal cord. + +I am not a biologist though, so I don't know for sure. Other potential causes include other environmental factors, virsues, or my scoliosis surgery. + +## Prognosis + +Due to what appears to be extensive involvement with the brainstem and cervical spine, disruption of critical mechanisms like breathing, and the ample amount of time for progression, I believe that the disease is likely to be fatal. There are [[Causes of Death|multiple ways this could happen.]] + +A minority of cases of multiple sclerosis are severe enough to [cause death relatively shortly after onset](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malignant_multiple_sclerosis), so this is not unprecedented; it is entirely possible for aggressive and severe demyelinating disease to be fatal. + +Additionally, a [medical paper about neurological respiratory failure](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7224095/) states: + +>Inflammatory and infectious diseases of the CNS are a very heterogeneous group of diseases that can affect CNS function with different patterns of symptoms and signs. Pulmonary complications are related to an **altered breathing control system**, severity of associated reduction of consciousness, and involvement of respiratory muscles. Pulmonary impairments have long been recognized as major causes of morbidity and **mortality** in individuals with advanced **multiple sclerosis**, due to acute or chronic respiratory disorders. Chronic RF (Respiratory Failure) involves bulbar (brainstem) dysfunction with swallowing disorders, **altered central respiratory drive**, motor disorders following corticospinal lesions, or **sleep-disordered breathing**. Acute conditions mainly involve spinal or bulbar (brainstem) relapse with extensive plaques, neurogenic pulmonary edema, or ARF (Acute Respiratory Failure), often following sepsis. Common pulmonary-related complications in encephalitis are poor gag reflex, pooling of secretion, and loss of swallowing, with risk of aspiration pneumonia and RF (Respiratory Failure) development. + +In plain English, this means that, for inflammatory central nervous system diseases like multiple sclerosis, life-threatening outcomes can occur due to disordered central respiratory control, including sleep-disordered breathing, which encompasses the breathing symptoms I experience. This heavily implies that an exacerbation of my current symptoms or a flare-up that attacks more of this area can be fatal. + +In other words, **I may be only one event away from death.** + +I have been processing this outcome [[Some Thoughts on Death|in many different ways]]. + +My disease seems to be [[Facing Unspeakable Horrors|hard for others to process]] when they hear about it. + +As with regular MS, the disease may also become severely disabling, with the possibility of sudden paralysis and blindness. This has led me to consider the creation of [[Project Pulsar]]. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Notes to Write Next.md b/content/Notes to Write Next.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a2c745b --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Notes to Write Next.md @@ -0,0 +1,66 @@ + +TODO: + +- [[Hiding My True Self]]. +- [[Gender Stereotypes]]. + +- [[Hedonic Adaptation]]. +- [[Facing Unspeakable Horrors]]. +- [[TotK's Sky Islands - A Peaceful Heaven]]. + +- The meaning of life +- Talk about how life feels like a fun rollercoaster to me, full of wonder and beauty, and with a beautiful sky filled with stars +- How lucky I was to experience 21 years of life when I would have died in a few days without modern medicine +- Any wishes after death, like people reading the notes +- Programming and MakerCentral +- All of the programming projects I've done +- Favorite video games, food, movies, TV shows, music, YouTube videos, items (like the yellow blanket, the aquarium light thing) +- Forgiving people for doubting my terminal status (Perhaps continued from or linked to [[I Am the Only One Who Knows]]) +- Being the odd one out in my family, or at least feeling like it, but being okay with that; maybe reference Frank Sinatra's My Way +- How I won life anyway, how I accomplished so much +- Being grateful for experiencing anything, given that I wouldn't last more than a week without modern medicine +- A letter to my parents (or just mom) +- Politics, religion, controversial stuff like the past, because we might as well go there +- Despite my differences, God isn't punishing me, because if he was, why is my death humane and not constant suffering, giving me a philosophers death - an incredible experience, even though people might claim otherwise +- For people who worry that I went to Hell +- Foreshadowing of this fate + - A slide in biology class describing multiple sclerosis, and thinking about how interesting it was + - When I was younger, thinking that neurodegeneration of the brain would be the worst way to die + - One of my favorite YouTube videos of all time (the Sonic 06 real time fandub) featuring an instrumental version Ke$ha's "Die Young" in the opening scene, which I really enjoyed + - My school username using the year 2021 the whole time, with me not knowing it would be the most consequential year of my lifetime +- Ragdoll cats +- On pessimism and finding joy in the things and outcomes that cannot be taken away +- The possibility of losing my personality and behavior to brain damage, disavowing antisocial, inappropriate, or abusive states due to damage +- Preserving my face and voice (Also how my favorite feature was my eyes) +- How the majority of my pain and suffering is probably over +- General intelligence, that one time I got perfect grades in school +- Saving money +- 2021, why I had anxiety +- Doing everything right, but still failing from a societal perspective +- The analogy of my brain being a big office building where different modules in my brain work, the idea that they have their own newspaper, and the one day when two men in black suits and sunglasses walked in to deliver news of the terminal diagnosis to the CEO in an urgent private meeting +- How I never expected to be the unlucky one, looking at unlucky people and expecting to never end up that way +- How incredible it is to be able to write about death and have profound philosophical experiences in reaction to it +- Why I succeeded and redefining success +- Being so grateful for life, how beautiful it is +- My identity as a guy and a person in general +- Accepting the fact that dying without some unfinished business is almost impossible +- First memories (church playground, first day of preschool, 2000s pop songs, possible blood transfusion, the silo on the way to preschool that I couldn't even read at first, "goodnight and bye") +- Favorite games, music, food, etc +- How amazing technology is and the fact that we live incredibly rich, vibrant lives +- The future, AI +- Whether or not I worked myself to death +- The inability to capture everything, accepting incompleteness +- How strange it is that I feel like I just became conscious one day +- The outward appearance of dying young +- How things could only have happened in the exact way they did +- Being glad that I messed around outside of school, as this formed some of my happiest memories +- Discovering my passion for programming in 4th grade +- The possibly high rarity of my condition +- The impossibly complex nature of life and the human brain +- How my mind loves me and is my own life partner +- Time speeding up faster and faster +- The Beauty of Zora's Domain in Breath of the Wild and ToTK, both the visuals and music, also Vaporeon, who is basically a cute Zora dog/fox Pokemon +- The Beauty of Rainbow Road in Mario Kart Wii and Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, the music, and probably MKWii nostalgia in general +- The failure of the medical system to diagnose me in time, being dismissed by doctors +- Hamtaro +- Puss in Boots: The Last Wish \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Personal/A Formula For Experiences.md b/content/Personal/A Formula For Experiences.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a81b351 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Personal/A Formula For Experiences.md @@ -0,0 +1,36 @@ +Perhaps we could attempt to quantify whether or not to make [[The Lifestyle Dilemma|life choices]] and pursue experiences using fuzzy, imprecise numbers. + +Perhaps this inequality could represent whether one should pursue an experience $E$: + +$$ +C_\text{no E}P_\text{no E} > C_E +$$ +Where: +$C_\text{no E}$ is the cost of losing the ability to experience $E$. +$P_\text{no E}$ is the probability of losing the ability to experience $E$ over the relevant timeframe. +$C_E$ is the cost of experiencing $E$. + +Cost in this case refers to emotional pain. In the case of $C_\text{no E}$, this is the sadness and disappointment associated with knowing one can no longer experience $E$. By contrast, in the case of $C_E$, this is the unease or disappointment of expending the time, money, and resources needed to experience $E$. + +Let's say I want to visit and walk around the Grand Canyon. But, my disease could render me paralyzed and prevent me from doing that ever again. For this example, let's say I estimate a 10% probability over the next 6 months that my legs become too weak to walk, and that the pain of going to visit the Grand Canyon - the inconvenient road trip, the cost, the time - would be 1/20th the pain of losing the ability to experience it. So, we can use 1 for $C_E$, 20 for $C_\text{no E}$, and 0.2 for $P_\text{no E}$. + +Our formula becomes: + +$$ +(20)(0.1) > 1 +$$ +$$ +2 > 1 +$$ + +Since the left side is greater than the right, I should plan a trip to the Grand Canyon in the next 6 months to be less disappointed on average. That's what this represents - the number on the left represents the average pain for not experiencing the event, while the number on the right represents the average pain for investing the time, money, and resources to experience the event. + +An interesting property of this is that over the course of the lifetime, $P_\text{no E}$ is 100%, since you lose the ability to experience everything by the end. At that point, the only thing that matters is whether $C_\text{not E}$ is greater than $C_E$, and if so, you should try to experience it. + + + +In practice, you can never win; there will always be some disappointment. Especially in my case, facing a diminished life expectancy, the safest option is to not expect so much out of life and be satisfied with almost any outcome, grateful for the wonderful things that you *do* experience. + +Nothing is a guarantee except right now. Advertising and social expectations are good at leaving us dissatisfied and wanting more out of life, whether it's the desire to visit Disney World every year, play every video game that looks fun, have a successful career, or live to 80 years old. And while it's fine to pursue those things, it's easy to forget that life is still unpredictable and those things could easily become impossible due to factors outside of your control, through no fault of your own. None of us will be able to experience everything, but perhaps that makes things we *do* experience all the more special. + +The probability you'll be around for the next few days is generally very high though, so you can probably afford a few wishes here and there. I myself would be quite sad if I never took the time to [[Publishing Life After Death|write down these notes for my family]] to read after I pass away, and ultimately, I think that's more than worth slowing down my career for. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Personal/Collecting Thoughts.md b/content/Personal/Collecting Thoughts.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4e44770 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Personal/Collecting Thoughts.md @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ +I highly value recording my own thoughts. + +In the past, I often looked at logs of past messages I've sent to others, talking about random things, but this is a much more organized way to do it. + +Getting a glimpse of my past and present self gives me a deeper understanding of who I am and how I changed. + +And now, this serves a new purpose: allowing others to understand who I am too. + +There is a whole lot to think about. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Personal/Euphoria.md b/content/Personal/Euphoria.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..43b6055 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Personal/Euphoria.md @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +Euphoria, unbridled joy, is my favorite emotion on Earth. Whenever I feel it, I feel so grateful that I exist, that I'm alive, that I'm just able to experience it. + +Whether it's from [[Loving Cuteness|adoring cute creatures]], showing compassion to friends, an emotional song, or just plain contentment, euphoria is always welcome and will always make me appreciate being alive, [[Hedonic Adaptation|even if my life isn't ideal]]. + +Euphoria is a strong factor in what makes life worth living. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Personal/Facing Unspeakable Horrors.md b/content/Personal/Facing Unspeakable Horrors.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..92dd027 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Personal/Facing Unspeakable Horrors.md @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +TODO: Talk about our stable attitude while others react with horror upon hearing our circumstances, reference the [[Hedonic Adaptation]] and [[Playing a Video Game That's Falling Apart]]. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Personal/Hiding My True Self.md b/content/Personal/Hiding My True Self.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c61b778 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Personal/Hiding My True Self.md @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +TODO: Document how aloof I am in front of family and sometimes friends because of [[Gender Stereotypes]]. Also touch on religion and politics. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Personal/I Am the Only One Who Knows.md b/content/Personal/I Am the Only One Who Knows.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..653baf8 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Personal/I Am the Only One Who Knows.md @@ -0,0 +1,19 @@ +It seems as if I am the only one who truly knows of my possibly impending death. [[The Disease|My symptoms]] have progressed to the point of breathing dysfunction, and most other symptoms I have are connected to the brainstem according to sources online. + +Sure, there's always a chance it won't happen, but there's really only so many things that can go wrong until a critical failure occurs. This disease is not stopping. It has a predilection for the brainstem. It has only been 2.5 years and I've already lost so much function. + +I suspected immune-mediated destruction of the central nervous system 2 years ago. I predicted that it would damage my optic nerve, affect vital bodily functions, and eventually progress to the point of breathing disruption. In the past, these were all dismissed by overly pessimistic or anxious thoughts, even by myself. But they all came true. + +I think people reject the idea because they don't want to accept it. They don't think something like this should happen. Maybe they don't want to lose me, or maybe the imagery of a young 21-year old male with no visible symptoms being terminally ill is absurd to them. But the disease doesn't care if other people can see the symptoms or not; it will continue regardless. Once people realize what is happening to me, it may already be too late. + +I experience an eerily resolute acceptance of this. I would think I would be in constant terror of my life coming to an end, but I have simply accepted it now. Perhaps anxiety is of no use to me now. It will not change my fate. + +I believe that by the time doctors confirm this is terminal, it will be too late to prepare for my death. That is why I am [[Publishing Life After Death|extensively documenting my thoughts]] and [[Pixel Art Methods|making art]] now. I know people will want these things, and I am being handed the opportunity to prepare for my death on a silver platter. So, I will dedicate time to giving people a picture of who I was. After all, I tend to [[Hiding My True Self|hide the majority of my thoughts and feelings]], so if I don't do this, many of the things I feel and believe will quickly be lost to time. + +I am effectively beholden to my intuition here. It is the only entity that has given me a unified theory of my neurological problems, has made several correct predictions, and is now telling me that this is my chance to create the things I want to leave behind. That every day is another roll of the dice, and the only one I can guarantee will exist is today. + +And you know what? That's entirely correct. For everyone. + +Inevitably, some people will suddenly die from accidents or unexpected health problems, and a lot of those people probably would have wanted to make more things for their family to remember them for, perhaps writing, art, and pictures that capture the joy of the life they lived. People get so wrapped up in the careers and other aspects of their life that they sometimes forget to record these things. Not just the big moments, but also the small, day-to-day stuff, like personality, interests, and little things that they love. + +No matter the outcome, even if I'm entirely wrong, it's good that I'm making something. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Personal/I'm Still a Little Scared.md b/content/Personal/I'm Still a Little Scared.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ee235de --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Personal/I'm Still a Little Scared.md @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Despite my [[Facing Unspeakable Horrors|relative stoicism]] in the face of my own death, I still feel a bit anxious. I fidget nervously when thinking about running out of time for the last things I want to do. I cry a little when thinking about how I have been sealed into this fate and how sad people will probably be. I'm still human. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Personal/In Case of Survival.md b/content/Personal/In Case of Survival.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e7ddd66 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Personal/In Case of Survival.md @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ +Although I expect my [[The Disease|disease]] to be fatal, there is perhaps a small chance that I will survive, at least for a little while. + +Because of this, I should **avoid doing anything that would cause significantly bad side-effects** in case I do survive. Examples would include: + +- Spending 100% of my savings +- Telling the public that I am certain of my mortality without a doctor confirming + +In general, I should execute my preparations for death without impeding too much on the reality where I still survive for a significant amount of time. This requires a careful balance. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Personal/Life is Awesomely Complex.md b/content/Personal/Life is Awesomely Complex.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..14cd2f0 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Personal/Life is Awesomely Complex.md @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +TODO: Write about the sheer complexity of life and the human brain and how incredible it is that we even exist + +![[human-cell-portion.jpg]] +*A depiction of a small fraction of a human cell.* \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Personal/Life is a Beautiful Light Show.md b/content/Personal/Life is a Beautiful Light Show.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..67eddc1 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Personal/Life is a Beautiful Light Show.md @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +Life is like the most beautiful light show in the universe. Most of the universe changes over millions and billions of years, but our world changes in mere months. We are among the most dynamic and interesting things in the universe, and our lives are so incomprehensibly detailed and varied. We do so much in so little time, and our experiences are so novel, that it's like a beautiful and elaborate light show, the most vibrant and dynamic events the universe has to offer. + +It can be easy to forget how absolutely insane it is just how much unique stuff there is and how much everything changes all the time. Not to mention the fact that humans somehow found a way to create their own virtual universes where you can interact with pure constructs of imagination. The stories humans told each other by the fire suddenly turned into unique experiences you could actually have in just a couple hundred years using technology nobody back then could scarcely imagine. Life is more fun and entertaining now than it has ever been in human history. + +It's all a mesmerizing light show, the most strange and awe-inspiring thing we've ever seen. But even the most impressive light shows in the universe have to end eventually. But, I'm not too torn up about it, because it was so incredible. Every second was worth it. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Personal/Loving Cuteness.md b/content/Personal/Loving Cuteness.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..24acef1 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Personal/Loving Cuteness.md @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +I love cute, adorable creatures. They bring me so much joy to look at their innocent little faces. I want to hug them, to protect them, to enjoy their presence. + +Perhaps it's a natural response, but I seem to respond more to cute things than most other guys I know. But maybe they're too shy to admit to it. At least some of them are. + +I'm so grateful that my mind reacts in this way, making me feel happy for just perceiving the purest, most innocent creatures after they cross my visual field. + +It was my biggest insecurity too, and I beat myself up over just liking cats and wanting to show affection to them. It's because I felt that these feelings were [[Gender Stereotypes|in stark opposition to male gender norms]], and they were therefore a defective aspect of my personality. + +But getting over that just makes me even more grateful that I can enjoy these things now, knowing that I might not have gotten over those feelings in an alternate universe. + +Obviously, once I [[Pixel Art Methods|found a way to make decent art]], I couldn't resist making art of my favorite Pokemon, the grass cat [[Sprigatito]], and his precious cross-eyed face. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Personal/Playing a Video Game That's Falling Apart.md b/content/Personal/Playing a Video Game That's Falling Apart.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a7c5227 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Personal/Playing a Video Game That's Falling Apart.md @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +Perhaps it could be said that life is a video game, where the human brain is both the player and the game. The brain defines the game, with its rewards (happiness, pleasure) and its penalties (pain, suffering) defining the landscape of play. The universe doesn't care about us, so it's the brain's job to define what we should feel. + +Perhaps, then, the brainstem is the controller, a universal port that conveys our actions to the rest of the nervous system, which distributes these input signals into the relevant muscles. + +My game is falling apart. More and more functions are glitching out, and it's clear that there's a hardware defect that is spreading and corrupting more of the code and frying more of the hardware. But there is no replacement or repair method, and you can't just reset the game. This brain is the mediator of my one and only subjective experience of reality. I must pick the controller back up and keep playing, even if my experience of reality itself shifts and distorts in indescribable ways. + +And so, that's exactly what I will do. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Personal/Publishing Life After Death.md b/content/Personal/Publishing Life After Death.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e8acea6 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Personal/Publishing Life After Death.md @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ +One reason I started [[Collecting Thoughts]] here was to capture them and paint a picture of who I was as a person. + +When I wrote my own public [[The Farewell Message|farewell message]], I thought about how much of my life would never be known, that it would all die with me. + +I would prefer if people, especially my family, had the option of learning who I really was. Even if that means exposing fundamental differences in beliefs, I would rather for them to have a genuine picture of me and who I truly was inside. + +A giant collection of my thoughts would be as close as possible to such a picture. + +I tend to be very guarded around people, including my family, and [[Hiding My True Self|don't expose a lot about myself]]. I try to avoid exposing vulnerable or controversial parts of myself as a defense mechanism, and this strategy has served me well. Until now. + +Once I die, everything about me that isn't captured or recorded somewhere will be gone. If I don't write these things down, then the essence of who I was as a person will be lost. Instead, people would only remember my outer shell, the facade that I put on because I was too afraid to be fully genuine. Nobody would ever know the true me. + +My experience with life is very rich, and I am full of emotions and experiences that I never shared with anyone. But I want people to know. I want people to know the things I loved, the things that made me happy, and my gratitude for being able to experience life at all. There are no consequences for being vulnerable after death, so I'm happy to share all of it, even my imperfections. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Personal/Some Thoughts on Death.md b/content/Personal/Some Thoughts on Death.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1a4e96c --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Personal/Some Thoughts on Death.md @@ -0,0 +1,17 @@ +## Before Death + +[[Some Thoughts on Life]] +[[I Am the Only One Who Knows]] + +## Legacy + +[[The Farewell Message]] +[[Publishing Life After Death]] + +## After Death + +[[What I Think Comes Next]] + +## Peace + +[[TotK's Sky Islands - A Peaceful Heaven]] \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Personal/Some Thoughts on Life.md b/content/Personal/Some Thoughts on Life.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1f26857 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Personal/Some Thoughts on Life.md @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ +## Life's Finite Nature + +[[Life is a Beautiful Light Show]] +[[Some Thoughts on Death]] + +## How Incredible Life Is + +[[Swearing About Life's Beauty]] +[[Life is Awesomely Complex]] \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Personal/Swearing About Life's Beauty.md b/content/Personal/Swearing About Life's Beauty.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..74fa03f --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Personal/Swearing About Life's Beauty.md @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +I want people to know that life was the greatest fucking thing to ever happen to me. I loved it all, even the parts that sucked, just because I got to take it all in. The highs of joy, the lows of sadness, the good, the bad. + +People will say “Too bad he never got to live a full life,” but I say FUCK that! This was fucking incredible! This IS a full life because it’s the one I got, and just the chance to experience this universe is so unbelievably goddamn beautiful. You think I’m going to complain when we are basically supercomputers, made up of incomprehensibly complicated microstructures, and we have the technology to experience the richest and most creative worlds other humans have to offer ON TOP of that?? HELL NO! + +From my perspective, there was nothing, and then there was the most beautiful, intricate, and awe-inspiring light show - incomprehensibly detailed, amazing, and endless. Whoever gave that to me, I just want to say that I fucking love you. Whether it’s God, the creator of the simulation, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or mathematical soup, there is no string of words in the English language to describe how grateful I am. How the FUCK did this happen? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Personal/The Farewell Message.md b/content/Personal/The Farewell Message.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e7598f8 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Personal/The Farewell Message.md @@ -0,0 +1,59 @@ +Soon after the onset of the November 2023 [[Flare-Ups|flare-up]] and developing breathing problems from it, I became completely convinced that I would soon die, likely in a matter of days to weeks. + +This prompted me to write a message addressed to the Super Mario Maker 2 community, and perhaps the Internet more broadly. + +Although it may not fully apply anymore, I still believe it is perhaps the most important piece I have ever written. It reveals what I would say in a world where I was faced with certain and imminent death. + +--- + +# Farewell + +Greetings. If you are reading this, then I, UncaughtCursor, am dead. I wrote these last words to those curious about the fate of MakerCentral's creator and his life. + +My real name was Thomas. I was a 21-year old software and web developer with a love for science, video games, and technology. + +My life was taken from me by the progressive degeneration of my central nervous system, which began following a work accident in 2021. + +I used to be a busser and to-go employee at a popular chain restaurant and steakhouse. I worked very hard in order to save lots of money for my future and maintain my job position. However, I neglected increasingly severe upper back pain in doing so. This mistake, made when I was just 18 years old, ultimately proved to be my demise. + +On April 3rd, 2021, the disc between my C7 and T1 spinal vertebrae herniated, causing the structure to jut out and make contact with my spinal cord. From that day onward, bending my neck over for long periods of time or continuously carrying weight caused an explosion of random pain across large regions of my body, each flare-up spreading this range further. + +Although the exact mechanism as of the time of writing is unknown, it seems the damage spread to my brainstem - a structure essential for life - and the cranial nerves connected to it. This caused pain in my face and head, damage to my vision, and the gradual breakdown of my body's automatic systems. + +Even though I radically changed my life to avoid triggering a flare-up ever again, damage still slowly accumulated. + +The cause of all of this may have been autoimmune-related; perhaps my immune system incorrectly recognized parts of my central nervous system as dangerous and proceeded to destroy them. The herniated disc was merely the trigger. I can only speculate, because getting a diagnosis has proven extremely elusive. Perhaps they will finally find the cause near or after my death, at which point it's too late for me to update these words. + +So, this probably shouldn't have killed me under normal circumstances. It's more like one part overworking myself and another part freak accident. When my mother gave birth to me, there were immune system abnormalities that caused her cells to destroy mine. The doctors were able to stop this process and save my life. But perhaps other autoimmune defects remained, laying dormant until I unknowingly triggered them. + +As of the time I began writing this, December 1st, 2023, my body's breathing cycle has recently developed abnormalities and no longer functions properly. It is at this point where I considered this disease likely to be terminal, and why I have chosen to begin writing my last words. + +I feel so incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to write any meaningful last words at all. Many people don't know that they're dying, and if they do, they are often too exhausted to do anything. But I was aware enough of this process to get ahead of the clock and write down my final thoughts. The vast majority of my cortex appears to have been spared as well, allowing me to thoroughly reminisce about and appreciate the life I was given. + +I did the best I could. I had severe anxiety in late 2021 and early 2022 as a result of most of the symptoms developing and being at their worst. That pushed me to aggressively seek out neurologists, different primary care providers, and any extra tests that I could do, desperate to find an answer. I even went to the ER several times when things really got bad, but to no avail; my problem was unable to be identified and treated in time. + +Despite my short life, I want to make one thing clear: I loved it. So much. I was so happy to be alive. + +When I first developed my breathing problems and realized the gravity of the situation, my mind reacted in a peculiar way. Instead of extreme anxiety or depression, it filled me with a warm contentedness and started replaying the happiest moments of my life - all kinds of things I loved and appreciated, big and small. + +I may not have lived a conventional life - I never got married, never had kids, never bought a house, never got the chance to become old - but I'm okay with that. These expectations are just social constructs. I found my *own* meaning in all of the things I *did* do. + +I learned so many interesting things about how our world works, played so many amazing and immersive video games, fawned over pictures and videos of the cutest cats, built lots of fun programs and projects, and watched some of the best and most creative movies, TV shows, and YouTube videos ever made. Life was so vibrant and amazing, and the fact that we have the technology to experience a whole other universe of adventure, freedom, and human creativity may be the single greatest gift of modern existence. + +My biggest aspiration in life was to build cool software that lots of other people found useful. And, in the short time I had on Earth, I did just that. I made MakerCentral, the world's first search engine for every Mario Maker 2 level in the world, and it was used by over 150,000 people. I'm so proud of what I was able to achieve in a short amount of time, and I'm so happy that so many people were able to benefit from the work I did. + +I want to thank everyone who ever interacted with me in a positive way over the years, even if it was brief. And of course, I'm thankful for all of my friends and my family who helped me make so many happy memories over the years. They all still have a special place in my heart, even if many of them have gone their own ways. + +And of course, a big thanks to the Super Mario Maker 2 community, Shoujo, TheGreatRambler, and Wizulus for helping me set up MakerCentral, a project that I am proud to have worked on and was so meaningful to me. I also want to give a shoutout to DGR, Mayro, raysfire, and any other creators who made amazing content using my site. It was awesome to see you come up with unique ideas to use MakerCentral and make entertaining videos. + +I'm so incredibly happy and grateful to be given the gift of life, and to experience all of the things I did. If not for modern medical technology, I would have died shortly after birth. But instead, I was given the gift of 21 years on this incredible planet, filled with all of the most amazing people and things in the universe. And nobody will ever understand the sheer magnitude of how much they meant to me. + +I wanted to close by discussing music. One of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard is called [Goodbye to a World, by Porter Robinson](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W2TE0DjdNqI). The [Proximity rendition](https://youtu.be/gnV-8pkILF0?si=UnPYmj8gNjJDVzIl&t=7920) found in their EDM decade mix is my favorite remix, especially starting at 2:14:17. The lyrics make me think of some individual or entity who is about to leave this world giving their final goodbyes, reassuring others that even though it's all coming to an end, they shouldn't be so hard on themselves for the circumstances leading up to it and the things they wished they could have done with this individual. All of our lives and interactions with those we love are beautiful, immortalized in the great tapestry of cosmic history, their finiteness creating meaning. And eventually, when it's all over, our bodies merge with nature before everything turns back into stardust, ready to form a new world somewhere else in the universe. At the end of the song, the voice breaks up, symbolizing that the individual's mind and body have stopped working, before they finally pass. That's how I interpret the song, and that's how I imagine it will be for me. + +I always wanted this to be one of the last songs I ever listened to before I passed on, and I have been granted that wish. + +It has been a privilege and an honor to be alive. It was the greatest gift I will ever receive. + +See you wherever the warp pipe leads. + +\- UncaughtCursor \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Personal/The Lifestyle Dilemma.md b/content/Personal/The Lifestyle Dilemma.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3a7897a --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Personal/The Lifestyle Dilemma.md @@ -0,0 +1,20 @@ +Because of [[the disease]], I believe that there's a good chance that I will pass away soon, even though [[I Am the Only One Who Knows|others are hesitant to believe it]]. However, there is a small chance that I will survive for longer than expected. + +If I knew I was dying, I would want to spend my days a lot differently compared to if I knew I was going to survive for years. In the former case, I'd prefer to spend more time [[Publishing Life After Death|writing]], [[Pixel Art Methods|creating art]], and playing video games. In the latter, I would want to create and finish large projects like [[Project Maple]]. This creates a dilemma: I really want to enjoy my last days as much as I can. But, in case I'm wildly incorrect, I don't want to completely throw out my career. + +I am now faced with the impossible task of predicting my own death despite my biases, incomplete knowledge, and the general uncertainty of life. My prediction will affect the choices I would make. + +| Estimated Time Until Death | Confidence | Lifestyle Choice | +| -------------------------- | -------------- | --------------------------------- | +| Less than a year | Any | Happiness, creativity, and legacy | +| 1-5 years | Low | Happiness, creativity, and legacy | +| 1-5 years | Medium or High | One more big project first | +| More than 5 years | Low | Happiness, creativity, and legacy | +| More than 5 years | Medium | One more big project first | +| More than 5 years | High | Pursue a career, move out | + +The majority of people under age 50 would have high confidence that they would live for at least another 5 years, making the pursuit of a career and independent living an obvious choice. But for me, this is called into question. + +If I had to choose now, I would estimate that I have **1-5 years left with low confidence**, meaning I think there's a fair chance that it could also happen sooner. + +This is effectively a question of whether or not to retire. Yes, it would seem as if my dream of retiring early might come true after all, even if it's in one of the most twisted ways possible. Perhaps when I thought of that wish, there was a [monkey's paw](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Monkey%27s_Paw) laying around nearby. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Personal/TotK's Sky Islands - A Peaceful Heaven.md b/content/Personal/TotK's Sky Islands - A Peaceful Heaven.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9812ffe --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Personal/TotK's Sky Islands - A Peaceful Heaven.md @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +TODO: Describe how TOTK's sky islands are what I would want heaven to look like, the beautiful golden foliage, the constant sunlight, and peaceful music \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Personal/UncaughtCursor.md b/content/Personal/UncaughtCursor.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..875af7c --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Personal/UncaughtCursor.md @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ +On the Internet, I'm known as UncaughtCursor. + +If you were ever curious as to why, it's because it's meant to represent a cat trying to catch a mouse cursor. + +Cats are really cute when they chase moving objects, which they like to do a lot. I used to volunteer at an animal shelter with cats, and one of my favorite things to do was to pull out a wand toy and try to evade the cats' attempts to catch the object dangling from it. + +Since software development and general computer use is a big part of my life, I thought it would be fun to apply this to a mouse cursor, where a cat tries to reach for and grab a mouse cursor as if it were a fast-moving laser pointer. + +The cat featured in my avatar is a [[Ragdoll Cats|Ragdoll cat]], a really fluffy and friendly cat breed that I adore, and one that I personally had an encounter with in the past. + +![[uncaughtcursor-pfp.png]] +*My regular UncaughtCursor profile picture, made by [Joony](https://www.twitch.tv/j_o_o_n_y).* \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Personal/What I Think Comes Next.md b/content/Personal/What I Think Comes Next.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5582064 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Personal/What I Think Comes Next.md @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +I have thought about what happens after death over the years. + +I ultimately think that the human brain is a deterministic biological machine, albeit an incredibly special one. At the same time, I don't think consciousness can be fully explained through our current understanding of the universe. + +Consciousness is a window into a living entity's mind, with the ability to perceive the senses and experiences of that entity over time in a subjective manner. Different fundamental aspects of that experience are called qualia - things like what the color red looks like to you, how long a second feels, the experience of sound, etc. These things have no basis in the brain's computation as far as current understanding goes, which means that they could be totally different for other people, but they would act the same way. + +If qualia has no effect on the brain's computations, then it is perhaps possible to have *no* qualia. This means no perception of anything, not even time. This is akin to the experience of sleeping, where, although brain activity persists, nothing is perceived, and time appears to instantly jump forward while the brain is not computationally processing it. + +In death, this processing ceases, and we won't perceive any time. If our consciousness forms in a new being, it will happen instantly from our perspective. That applies even if it takes the death and rebirth of one hundred trillion universes for our consciousnesses to be reconstituted. That means that the [[Life is Awesomely Complex|incredible complexity of life]] we observe today would have time to form in a completely new way. + +I find it very unlikely that the mechanism that allows me to perceive consciousness has only been around for 21 years. In all likelihood, this has already happened at least once. It will just simply happen again, and I will wake up as someone new, possibly some alien in another world, with no knowledge of any of this ever happening. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Personal/images/human-cell-portion.jpg b/content/Personal/images/human-cell-portion.jpg new file mode 100644 index 0000000..401755b Binary files /dev/null and b/content/Personal/images/human-cell-portion.jpg differ diff --git a/content/Personal/images/uncaughtcursor-pfp.png b/content/Personal/images/uncaughtcursor-pfp.png new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9498e49 Binary files /dev/null and b/content/Personal/images/uncaughtcursor-pfp.png differ diff --git a/content/Programming/Project Maple.md b/content/Programming/Project Maple.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..819861a --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Programming/Project Maple.md @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +Project Maple is a web-based procedurally-generated RPG adventure game that uses a combination of large language models, traditional programming methods, and human-created content to produce a cutscene-focused experience. + +An initial reveal and demo was planned to be released in December 2023, but due to delays from a sudden flare-up of [[The Disease|the disease]], it is currently in a state of limbo. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Programming/Project Pulsar/Is It Necessary.md b/content/Programming/Project Pulsar/Is It Necessary.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..14c58e9 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Programming/Project Pulsar/Is It Necessary.md @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +Whether the full extent of Project Pulsar is required is debatable. + +- Full deafblindedness is very unlikely in multiple sclerosis. In all likelihood, we would use a screen reader and rely on the audio. This does not require learning the underlying language; normal spoken English would be used. Pulsar would still be justified if we had a faster transmission rate than spoken language (e.g. 64 sounds in very short pulses), but this is be unlikely to be faster than sped-up text. It may instead be used for more privacy or to keep the language fresh in our minds. +- For inputs, the language is much more justified. Weakness and paralysis are common in MS, as well as speech problems. It could foreseeably be used for input. +- While not directly related to the project, we should consider preserving our voice so it can still be simulated when we no longer have it. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Programming/Project Pulsar/Language.md b/content/Programming/Project Pulsar/Language.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e47a53f --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Programming/Project Pulsar/Language.md @@ -0,0 +1,88 @@ +[[Project Pulsar]]'s language must be intuitive and efficient. + +We use characters to map to human intuition and provide reasonably fast reading speeds. + +With this in mind, we propose the following properties: + +- One character per pulse. This lines up with pre-existing intuition. +- A simple ruleset. This makes adoption simple. +- A customizable number of channels. This accomodates for processing speed and sensory ability. +- Should be readable and writable by a human. + +## Base 8 + +A possible solution is base 8, or octal, indexing the letters based on their numerical position in the alphabet and using 8 distinct signal types. + +## Mappings + +| Key | Signal 1 | Signal 2 | +| --------------- | -------- | -------- | +| SPACE | 0 | 0 | +| A | 0 | 1 | +| B | 0 | 2 | +| C | 0 | 3 | +| D | 0 | 4 | +| E | 0 | 5 | +| F | 0 | 6 | +| G | 0 | 7 | +| H | 1 | 0 | +| I | 1 | 1 | +| J | 1 | 2 | +| K | 1 | 3 | +| L | 1 | 4 | +| M | 1 | 5 | +| N | 1 | 6 | +| O | 1 | 7 | +| P | 2 | 0 | +| Q | 2 | 1 | +| R | 2 | 2 | +| S | 2 | 3 | +| T | 2 | 4 | +| U | 2 | 5 | +| V | 2 | 6 | +| W | 2 | 7 | +| X | 3 | 0 | +| Y | 3 | 1 | +| Z | 3 | 2 | +| . | 3 | 3 | +| , | 3 | 4 | +| ? | 3 | 5 | +| ! | 3 | 6 | +| EMOJI | 3 | 7 | +| 0 | 4 | 0 | +| 1 | 4 | 1 | +| 2 | 4 | 2 | +| 3 | 4 | 3 | +| 4 | 4 | 4 | +| 5 | 4 | 5 | +| 6 | 4 | 6 | +| 7 | 4 | 7 | +| 8 | 5 | 0 | +| 9 | 5 | 1 | +| --- | --- | --- | +| EXPLAIN CONTEXT | 7 | 0 | +| TAB | 7 | 1 | +| ENTER | 7 | 2 | +| BACKSPACE | 7 | 3 | + +Notes: +- System commands are accessed with Signal 1 being at maximum value for it to be easy to remember. +- The EXPLAIN CONTEXT command explains the current input field, current value, and surrounding context, acting as a sort of help button. + +TODO: Other ASCII symbols, control characters like capitalizing the next character +## Efficiency + +Each signal is exactly 3 bits of information. With 2 signals required for each character, there are 6 bits per character. + +We can derive the total data transmission rate from the formula on the [[Project Pulsar|main project pulsar note]], using 8 for the number of distinct signals. Dividing by 6 bits to account for the size of one character, this simplifies to: +$$ +R_\text{char}=\frac{C}{2D} +$$ +Where: +$R_\text{char}$ is the transmission rate in characters per second, +$C$ is the number of concurrent channels, +$D$ is the pulse length in seconds. + +The values of $C$ and $D$ depend on the speed and concurrency with which the user can process or input signals. + +It is perhaps not inconceivable for 4 channels with an average pulse length of 0.25 seconds to be readable. In this case, the rate would be 8 characters per second, or 480 characters per minute. If we take the average word to be 5 characters, this is 96 words per minute. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Programming/Project Pulsar/Mediums.md b/content/Programming/Project Pulsar/Mediums.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..07b309d --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Programming/Project Pulsar/Mediums.md @@ -0,0 +1,25 @@ +Information from pulses can be consumed in several different ways: + +| Medium | Amplitude | Signal | Channels | Application | +| --------- | ---------- | -------- | --------------------------------------- | ------------------------------- | +| Light | Brightness | Color | Blocks of color next to each other | Partial blindness | +| Sound | Volume | Pitch | Waveforms (square, triangle, sine, etc) | Complete blindness | +| Vibration | Strength | Patterns | Multiple vibrating devices | Complete blindness and deafness | + +Given that the overwhelming majority of multiple sclerosis patients do not fully lose all of these senses including touch, this should cover the vast majority of sensory loss cases. + +## Signals by Medium + +The [[Language|Pulsar language]] uses 8 main signal types. These are expressed differently in different mediums. + +| Medium | Signal 0 | Signal 1 | Signal 2 | Signal 3 | Signal 4 | Signal 5 | Signal 6 | Signal 7 | +| --------- | -------- | -------- | -------- | -------- | -------- | -------- | -------- | -------- | +| Light | Black | Red | Orange | Yellow | Green | Blue | Violet | White | +| Sound | C4 | D4 | E4 | F4 | G4 | A4 | B4 | C5 | +| Vibration | ... | ..- | .-. | .-- | -.. | -.- | --. | --- | + +For light, the colors described are those displayed. + +For sound, these are sound waves playing at the frequency of the music note described. + +For vibration, dots are low frequency vibrations, while dashes are high frequency. Each of these "sub-pulses" takes up 1/3rd of a full pulse. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Programming/Project Pulsar/Project Pulsar.md b/content/Programming/Project Pulsar/Project Pulsar.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6391c65 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Programming/Project Pulsar/Project Pulsar.md @@ -0,0 +1,44 @@ +We expect [[The Disease|our disease]] to progressively diminish the function of our central nervous system. + +We may rectify this using a pulse system. + +Information can be effectively communicated through pulses of unique patterns. + +The extent to which we need this is [[Is It Necessary|debatable]]. + +To ensure that information is able to be written using digital switches (no amplitude variation), we rely on distinct signals to convey back-and-forth information. + +The information transmission rate depends on the following: + +- The number of distinct signal types (signals) +- The number of pulses happening at once (channels) +- The length of the pulses + +This is limited practically by the precision with which we are able to read and write information. + +Information can be sent over [[Mediums|multiple different mediums]] to accommodate different levels of disability. + +For ease of transition between mediums upon disability progression, it is best to use a common language between all mediums. + +The total data transmission rate can be derived from the formula, +$$ +R=\frac{C\log_2(S)}{D} +$$ +Where: +$R$ is the transmission rate in bits per second, +$C$ is the number of concurrent channels, +$S$ is the number of distinct signals, +$D$ is the average pulse length in seconds. + +For example, with 4 channels, 8 signal types, and a pulse length of 0.25 seconds, the total transmission rate is: +$$ +R=\frac{4\times\log_2(8)}{0.25} +$$ +$$ +R = 48 \text{ bit/s} +$$ +Assuming 6 bits per standard character and 5 characters per word, this is fast enough to read at 96 words per minute. + +This system has the added advantage of being able to speed up and slow down the pulse length in case it is too fast or slow to process, while keeping the same underlying language. + +It's probably best for us to use one character, phoneme, or other unit of information per pulse to create a strong association with existing language structures. In practice, this may decrease the transmission rate in exchange for faster adoption. We go into more depth with the language used [[language|here]]. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Programming/Project Zinc/Project Zinc.md b/content/Programming/Project Zinc/Project Zinc.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4c95585 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Programming/Project Zinc/Project Zinc.md @@ -0,0 +1,14 @@ +Project Zinc is a simple 2D animation web app designed to make it easy to animate our art. + +Zinc allows for parameterized animations from a set of connected images. Parameters abstract complex movements into simpler representations, allowing for easy use. + +For example, given a set of arm segments, Zinc would allow control parameters for the arm angle and hand position to be defined and animated. This would be done through keyframes and different interpolation functions. Each image segment could have its position, scale, rotation, etc controlled and animated. + +This method could is similar to the Pokemon in Black and White or some boss sprites in Undertale. + +The use of parameters allows for multiple animations to be derived from the same configuration. + +[[Components|Components]] define parameterized animation elements. +[[Animations|Animations]] define changes in components' parameters over time. + +Animations can be played and parameters can be manually controlled programmatically using the [[Zinc API|Zinc API]]. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Programming/Project Zinc/Zinc API.md b/content/Programming/Project Zinc/Zinc API.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e279b1d --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Programming/Project Zinc/Zinc API.md @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +The Zinc API is a software library used for displaying [[Components|components]], playing [[Animations|animations]], and manually controlling component [[Parameters|parameters]]. + +This may be useful for things like [[Project Maple]], which could make use of animations like that, for example, in textbox portraits. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Programming/Project Zinc/Zinc UI.md b/content/Programming/Project Zinc/Zinc UI.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..964f3dc --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Programming/Project Zinc/Zinc UI.md @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +Project Zinc's UI is a simple interface that makes it easy to define [[Components]] and [[Animations]]. + +The creation of Zinc's UI would be useful in the creation of [[The Maple Editor]] for all of the symmetry and shared functionality (e.g. defining paths in space, Bezier interpolation curves, general layout, etc) \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Programming/Project Zinc/concepts/Animations.md b/content/Programming/Project Zinc/concepts/Animations.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2ee27fa --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Programming/Project Zinc/concepts/Animations.md @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +Animations are changes in [[Parameters|component parameters]] over time. + +This would likely be achieved by defining keyframes for separate elements of animation and compositing them together. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Programming/Project Zinc/concepts/Components.md b/content/Programming/Project Zinc/concepts/Components.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..749a724 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Programming/Project Zinc/concepts/Components.md @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +Zinc Components are animatable objects made up of controllable [[Parameters|parameters]]. + +Components are made up of [[Elements|elements]], and themselves may be controlled as an element. + +Components may also contain other components. The contained components are called subcomponents. + +When previewing a component, sliders for the parameters and subcomponents' parameters will appear. +![[Zinc Component UI Concept.png]] +NOTE: "Actor" here refers to components. We should probably revise this image. + +[[Zinc API|Programmatically]], a parameter can be accessed using `component.subcomponent.parameter`. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Programming/Project Zinc/concepts/Elements.md b/content/Programming/Project Zinc/concepts/Elements.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..55eb82d --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Programming/Project Zinc/concepts/Elements.md @@ -0,0 +1,28 @@ +A Zinc element is the primitive unit of a [[Components|component]]. It consists of a single source image, optional image sequences, and has several properties that can be controlled by [[Animations|animations]]. + +### Static Properties + +Static properties are constant values that cannot be changed by an animation. + +|Property|Description| +|---|---| +|x|The horziontal position of the element relative to its parent component.| +|y|The vertical position of the element relative to its parent component.| + +### Dynamic Properties + +Dynamic properties are properties that **can** be changed by an animation. + +|Property|Description|Default Value| +|---|---|---| +|ofsX|The relative horziontal position of the element.|0| +|ofsY|The relative vertical position of the element.|0| +|scaleX|The horizontal scale of the element.|1| +|scaleY|The verticle scale of the element.|1| +|rotation|The rotation of the element in degrees.|0| +|sequenceIndex|The index of the [[Image Sequences\|image sequence]] to use.|0| +|imageIndex|The index of the image to show within the current image sequence.|0| + +Other properties may be added in the future. + +Components may also be used as elements. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Programming/Project Zinc/concepts/Image Sequences.md b/content/Programming/Project Zinc/concepts/Image Sequences.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..83758bf --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Programming/Project Zinc/concepts/Image Sequences.md @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +Image sequences are sets of images on [[Elements|elements]] to be played in sequence, used to add non-parameterized manual animation. Multiple image sequences may be present on a single element. + +Image sequences are played by animating the `imageIndex` parameter. The integer portion of the parameter determines which image in the sequence is shown. Out-of-bounds indices wrap back around to the beginning. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Programming/Project Zinc/concepts/Parameters.md b/content/Programming/Project Zinc/concepts/Parameters.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..79091e2 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/Programming/Project Zinc/concepts/Parameters.md @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ +Parameters are controllable values on [[Components|components]] that allow for high-level animation control, abstracting away complex animations into simple manageable values. + +They may be controlled and coordinated by [[Animations|animations]]. + +Parameters are defined with: +- Minimum and maximum values. +- A default value. +- Keyframes at a minimum of two different values. +- An interpolation function that connects the keyframes. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/Programming/Project Zinc/images/Zinc Component UI Concept.png b/content/Programming/Project Zinc/images/Zinc Component UI Concept.png new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2204505 Binary files /dev/null and b/content/Programming/Project Zinc/images/Zinc Component UI Concept.png differ diff --git a/content/index.md b/content/index.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..84c2073 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/index.md @@ -0,0 +1,52 @@ +--- +title: Home +--- +Welcome! This is a place for [[Publishing Life After Death|documenting my thoughts]] to give everyone a picture of what my life was like and who I truly was. It's basically a blog, but more dramatic. + +Historically, I've [[Hiding My True Self|kept things close to my chest]], but recently I realized that if [[The Disease|my disease]] takes my life soon, then everyone, including my family, would only really know the boring outer shell I presented instead of the rich inner world that I inhabit. Much of my emotional depth would be lost to time, so I intend to rectify that here. + +Consider this page to be your guide for all of these thoughts that I've written down. + +## Format + +These webpages are a series of notes linked to each other. Clicking through different ones will allow you to travel to different aspects of my life. I used [Quartz](https://quartz.jzhao.xyz/) to assemble the site from the notes. + +One of the best features of Quartz is the graph view, which will allow you to view all of my notes as one big interconnected network, allowing you to see at a high level how notes connect to one another. I highly recommend using it to help you browse. The icon in the upper right allows you to view the whole network at once! + +## Disclaimers + +Keep the following in mind: + +- I'm not a perfect individual. I make mistakes and I'm wrong sometimes. +- I might discuss sensitive topics if I find them important. +- I may be a bit different than what you expected or hoped for me to be, but I would ask that you keep an open mind. + +## Other Things To Know + +- To anyone who only knows me in real life, my online username is [[UncaughtCursor]], so whenever that comes up, just know that it's me. +- I'd prefer to share this with many others, so it would make me happy if this was shared with anyone who cares, even people who barely know me. +- You might occasionally see something marked "TODO," which indicates something I planned to elaborate on or add detail to at some point. + +## Places to Start + +First of all, I want to make it known that I [[Swearing About Life's Beauty|deeply loved life]] and it was the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. + +Here are other notes that you might be interested in starting out with: + +- [[Swearing About Life's Beauty]] +- [[The Disease]] +- [[Some Thoughts on Life]] +- [[Some Thoughts on Death]] + +### Portals + +TODO: Make hub notes for programming, art, and personal stuff + + +### Stuff I Didn't Get To + +[[Notes to Write Next|Things I Planned to Write About Next]] + +## Enjoy! + +I'm doing all of this to give closure to anyone who cared about me and allow them to learn about who I truly was as a person. If I've passed at the time of reading and you're sad that you didn't get to know me better before, just remember that we can still connect though my writing. I wanted to give people that opportunity. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/quartz.config.ts b/quartz.config.ts index 5c2c411..9e2a42b 100644 --- a/quartz.config.ts +++ b/quartz.config.ts @@ -3,13 +3,13 @@ import * as Plugin from "./quartz/plugins" const config: QuartzConfig = { configuration: { - pageTitle: "🪴 Quartz 4.0", + pageTitle: "Cursor's Musings", enableSPA: true, enablePopovers: true, analytics: { provider: "plausible", }, - baseUrl: "quartz.jzhao.xyz", + baseUrl: "uncaughtcursor.github.io", ignorePatterns: ["private", "templates", ".obsidian"], defaultDateType: "created", theme: {