weird al lyrics.txt

Hey Lucy, I'm home

Oh Ricky, you're so fine
You're so fine you blow my mind
Hey Ricky, hey Ricky

Oh Lucy, you're so fine
You're so fine you blow my mind
Hey Lucy, hey Lucy

Oh Ricky, you're so fine
You play your bongos all the time
Hey Ricky, hey Ricky

Oh Lucy, you're so fine
How I love tyo hear you whine
Hey Lucy

Hey Ricky
You always play your conga drums, you think you got the right
You wake up little Ricky in the middle of the night
Stop shakin' your maraccas now and just turn out the light Ricky

I'm sick of Fred and Ethel always comin' over here
'Cause Fred eats all our pretzel sticks and then he spills his beer
Why don't you serve your cassarole and make them disappear Lucy

Oh Ricky, what's a girl like me supposed to do
You really drive me wild when you sing your babaloo
Oh Lucy, you're so dizzy, don't you have a clue
Well, here's to you Lucy
I love you too Lucy, too Lucy, let's babaloo Lucy

Hey Ricky
You're always playin' at the club, you never let me go
I'm beggin' and I'm pleadin' but you always tell me no
Oh, please honey please, let me be in your show Ricky, wah

You always burn the roast and you drop the dishes too
You iron my new shirt and you burn a hole right through
You're such a crazy redhead I just don't know what to do Lucy

Oh Ricky
What a pity, don't you understand
That every day's a rerun and the laughter's always canned
Oh Lucy
I'm the latin leader of the band
So here's to you Lucy
Let's babaloo Lucy, too Lucy
Everybody rumba!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha 

Gotta boogie
Gotta boogie
Gotta boogie
Gotta boogie
Gotta boogie (gotta boogie)
Gotta boogie (gotta boogie)
Gotta boogie (gotta boogie)
Gotta boogie on my finger and I can't shake it off

Well, I went out to a party just the other night
I was jammin' to the music, I was feelin' alright
I was burning up the floor like a disco maniac
When my woman said, "Baby, why's your hand behind you back?"

Gotta boogie (gotta boogie)
I said boogie (gotta boogie)
I gotta boogie (gotta boogie)
Gotta boogie on my finger and I can't shake it off

I can't pick it off (uh uh)
I can't flick it off (uh uh)
I sure ain't gonna lick it off (oh no)
So I guess I'm gonna have to learn to live with it

I gotta boogie (gotta boogie, uh huh, he's gotta boogie)
I gotta boogie (gotta boogie, uh huh, he's gotta boogie)
I gotta boogie (gotta boogie, uh huh, he's gotta boogie)
Gotta boogie on my finger and I can't shake it off

(boogie)
Gotta boogie
(boogie)

Hey, you wanna boogie? (No man, I don't wanna boogie)
Wanna boogie? (Get that boogie out of my face)
Do any of you wanna boogie? (No!)

Gotta boogie on my finger
Gotta boogie on my finger
Gotta boogie on my finger and I can't shake it off 

I hear those ice cream bells and I start to drool
Keep a couple quarts in my locker at school
Yeah, but chocolate's gettin' old
Vanilla just leaves me cold

There's just one flavor good enough for me, yeah me
Don't gimme no crummy taste spoon
I know what I need

Baby, I love rocky road
So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with me, ow

They tell me ice cream junkies are all the same
All the soda jerkers know my name
When their supply is gone
Then I'll be movin' on

But I'll be back on Monday afternoon, you'll see
Another truck load's comin' in for me, all for me
I'm singin'

I love rocky road
So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with me, ow

(oh, make it talk)

When I'm all alone, I just grab myself a cone
And if I get fat and loose my teeth that's fine with me
Just lock me in the freezer and throw away the key
Singing

I love rocky road
So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with me

I love rocky road
So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with

I love rocky road
So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with

I love rocky road
So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with me 

Gonna tell you a story
About Chuck and Diane
Couple British kids from
The palace at Buckingham

Chuckie wants to grow up
And be a polo star
And ride his little horsies
All around the backyard, oh yeah

You know they really paid their dues
I said, "Hey, lawdy mama
They got them Buckingham blues"

Now Chuckie goes hunting
And leaves Diane alone
So she fixes her hair
And she talks on the princess phone

Chuckie's still tryin' to figure out
What his job's supposed to be
And Diane's the fashion leader
Of the aristocracy

I said, "Hey, Lady Di
Tell me where'd you get them shoes, ah
Well, hey nonny nonny
Looks like you got them Buckingham blues"

Aw, bein' heir to the throne, well
It must be awful hard
Gotta pose for pictures
Out on the front yard

And Lady Di, well
She must have it pretty rough
Gotta hang around the house all day
Makin' babies and stuff

On another game of croquet
Then they're off on a Caribbean cruise
Well, hey bop-a-re-bop
They really got them Buckingham blues

Ah, tell the truth, now, tell the truth
Wow

I got my mojo workin'
Yeah, woo, don't help me now
Ah, hurt me, mama, whoa, ah

They don't serve no Twinkies
With their afternoon tea
Never had a dinner
Made by Chef Boyardee

Bein' in the spotlight
Is a hard life to choose
Diane drops half a pound
It's on the six o'clock news, oh yeah

Those kids have really paid their dues
Oh, what a royal pain it is
When you got them Buckingham blues 

Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you

Well, it's time to celebrate your birthday, it happens every year
We'll eat a lot of broccoli and drink a lot of beer
You should be good and happy that there's something you can eat
A million people every day are starving in the street

Your daddy's in the gutter with the wretched and the poor
Your mama's in the kitchen with a can of Cycle Four
There's garbage in the water
There's poison in the sky
I guess it won't be long before we're all gonna die

Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you

Well, what's the matter little friend, you think this party is the pits
Enjoy it while you can, we'll soon be blown to bits
The monkeys in the pentagon are gonna cook our goose
Their finger's on the button, all they need is an excuse

It doesn't take a military genius to see
We'll all be crispy critters after World War III
There's nowhere you can run to, nowhere you can hide
When they drop the big one, we all get fried

(Come on boys and girls, sing along, OK?)

Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
wow! (background screaming, sound effect)

Well there's a punk in the alley and he's looking for a fight
There's an Arab on the corner buying everything in sight
There's a mother in the ghetto with another mouth to feed
Seems that everywhere you look today there's misery and greed

I guess you know the Earth is gonna crash into the sun
But that's no reason why we shouldn't have a little fun
So if you think it's scary, if it's more than you can take
Just blow out the candles and have a piece of cake

Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
wow!

Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you

(Happy Birthday!)

And a pinch to grow an inch!

Had to park my car for just five minutes
I had to go inside to use the phone
When I came back again my car was gone
Well, I didn't know it was a loading zone
What a bummer, I was so brought down
I had to chase that tow truck all over town, yellin'

"Stop draggin' my
Stop draggin' my
Stop draggin' my car around"

Took my baby to the local disco, I was jumpin' like a maniac
But then the owner came and pulled me off the floor
Then he, he took me to his little office in the back
He said, "I really like your snaggletooth necklace
Your pants are groovy, and your hair's okay
But, man, that car of yours is so uncool
Like wow, I'm sorry, but we towed it away!"

Stop draggin' my
Stop draggin' my
Stop draggin' my car around

Now I'm in home, I'm watchin' Gilligan's Island
Guess it's time to trade my old car in
For twenty dollars and my '64 Plymouth
Maybe I could get a second-hand Schwinn
Look out the window, there's tow truck in the driveway
I grabbed the driver and I asked him why
He said, "I'm sorry kid, you're late with the payments
It's time to kiss your little car goodbye"

Stop draggin' my
Stop draggin' my
Stop draggin' my car around
Stop draggin' my car around

Listen, the check's in the mail, no, really
Stop draggin' my car around
Oh man, I just got the hub caps painted
Stop draggin' my car around
Hey! Hey! I left a sandwich in the backseat
Stop draggin' my car around
Oh 

Ooh, my little hungry one, hungry one
Open up a package of my bologna
Ooh, I think the toast is done, the toast is done
Top it with a little of my bologna

Never gonna stop, eat it up
Such a tasty snack I always eat too much, then throw up
But I'll soon be back for my, my, my, yi, yi, woo
M-m-m-my bologna

Spreadin' on the mustard now, show me how
Spread it on a litle of this bologna
Hopin' that we don't run out, don't run out
If we do I'm sure that I'll miss bologna

Never gonna stop, eat it up
Such a tasty snack I always eat too much, then throw up
But I'll soon be back for my, my, my, yi, yi, woo
M-m-m-my bologna
M-m-m-my bologna

[belch]

Goin' to the market now, market now
I'm the city's biggest bologna buyer
Walkin' down the shopping isles, shopping isles
Filling up my basket with Oscar Meyer

Never gonna stop, eat it up
Such a tasty snack I always eat too much, then throw up
But I'll soon be back for my, my, my, yi, yi, woo
M-m-m-m-m-m-m-my, my, my, yi, yi, woo
M-m-m-my bologna
M-m-m-my bologna
M-m-m-my bologna
M-m-m-my bologna

Well, hey how ya doin' have a seat, have a drink
Boy it's good to see you, what can I say?
Oh, sorry gotta run we'll get together again
Say, what was your name anyway?

Well we're working on the problem, we'll get back to you soon
But don't try to call me I'll be in a meeting every afternoon
For a year maybe longer keep in touch
Thanks for dropping by and have a nice day

The check's in the mail, hey! You're beautiful
Don't ever change you know what I mean
My girl will call your girl we'll talk, we'll do lunch
Or leave a message on my machine
So baby won't you sign on the dotted line
I'm gonna make your dreams come true
The check's in the mail, would I lie to you?

Well hey wait a minute what's the matter hold on
You want me to fork over the loot?
You say you hate my guts you wanna take me to court
And you got yourself a lawyer with a three-piece suit?

Well I'm proud to say you're not the only critic of mine, yeah
So if you wanna sue me I'm afraid you're gonna have to wait in line
Take a number thanks for calling who loves you baby
Don't forget to read the fine print

The check's in the mail, hey! You're beautiful
Don't ever change you know what I mean
My girl will call your girl we'll talk, we'll do lunch
Or leave a message on my machine
So baby won't you sign on the dotted line
I'm gonna make your dreams come true
The check's in the mail, would I lie to you?
Oh, trust me!

The check's in the mail, hey! You're beautiful
Don't ever change you know what I mean
Why don't you leave a message with my girl
I'll have lunch with your machine
So baby won't you sign on the dotted line
I'm gonna make your dreams come true
The check's in the mail, would I lie to you?
The check's in the mail, would I lie to you?

Riding in the bus down the boulevard
And the place was pretty packed (Yeah!)
Couldn't find a seat so I had to stand
With the perverts in the back
It was smelling like a locker room
There was junk all over the floor
We're already packed in like sardines
But we're stopping to pick up more, look out

Another one rides the bus
Another one rides the bus
Another comes on and another comes on
Another one rides the bus
Hey, who's gonna sit by you
Another one rides the bus

There's a suitcase poking me in the ribs
There's an elbow in my ear
There's a smelly old bum standing next to me
Hasn't showered in a year
I think I'm missing a contact lens
I think my wallet's gone
And I think this bus is stopping again
To let a couple more freaks get on look out

Another one rides the bus

Another one rides the bus ow
Another one rides the bus hey hey
Another one rides the bus hey-ey-ey-ey ey ey eyyyyyy

The window doesn't open and the fan is broke
And my face is turning blue (Yeah)
I haven't been in a crowd like this
Since I went to see the Who
Well I should've got off a couple miles ago
But I couldn't get to the door
There isn't any room for me to breathe
And now we're gonna pick up more yeaaah

I don't care about your karma
I don't care about what's hip
No space cadet's gonna tell me what to do

I won't swim in your jacuzzi
You can't make me settle down
I'd rather kick and jump and bite and scratch
And scream until I'm blue

I may as well be hyper as long as I'm still around
'Cause I'll have lots of time to be laid back
When I'm six feet underground

I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead

I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead

When are you cosmic cowboys
Gonna get it through your heads?

I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead

I can't stand the smell of incense
I don't really like to jog
No Joni Mitchell 8-tracks in my car, ooh

I hate anything organic
Even health food makes me sick
You won't catch me sipping Perrier
Down in some sushi bar, I tell you

Now's the time to go for all the gusto you can grab
You'll have plenty of time to be low-key
When you're laid out on the slab

I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead

I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead

When are you cosmic cowboys
Gonna get it through your heads?

I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead

I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead

I don't want no part of that vegetarian scene
I won't buy me a pair of designer jeans
No redwood hot tub to my name
I got all that I want and if it's all the same to you

I don't need a course in self-awareness
To find out who I am
And I'd rather have a, a Big Mac or a Jumbo Jack
Than all the bean sprouts in Japan

So don't ask me what I'm into
I don't need to prove I'm cool
I'll break your arm if you ask me what's my sign

I won't tell you where my head's at
I don't need to see no shrink
Psychosis may be in this year
But I'm really not that kind

And I'm in no hurry to be casual
In fact, I think, I'll wait
Until I'm pushing up the daisies
Like wow, man, can you relate?

I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead

I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead

I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead

I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead

I got my alligator boots I wear my pants skin tight
I wear my dark sunglasses in the middle of the night
And when I look in the mirror I'm-a such an awesome sight
It makes me wanna kneel down and pray

I'm so adorable and charming I'm sure that you can see
And everyone's always trying to hang around with me
They tell me I'm the greatest and it's hard to disagree
'Cause I'm so perfect in every way

And I'm so cute, I can hardly stand it
And I'm so handsome honey I could just die
I know you'll never be as wonderful as me but at least you can try

'Cause I'm such a groovy guy
Yeah, I'm such a groovy guy
I'm such a groovy guy
Yeah, I'm such a groovy guy

Baby are you in the mood for a little romance?
Well for starters I can pour some chocolate pudding down your pants
And then attach electrodes to your brain and watch you dance
Oh, golly wouldn't that be fun?

Oh and then I might decide to tie you up with dental floss
I'll make you wear a harness and I'll show you who's the boss
Of course if you refuse, well honey it's your loss
I mean, I don't do this with just anyone

So baby, how can you say it's all over?
So how can you tell me goodbye?
So now you tell me that you're leaving me for good
And all I wanna know is why?
I mean after all

I'm really such a groovy guy
Yeah, I'm such a groovy guy
I'm such a groovy guy
Yeah, I'm such a groovy guy
I mean you could do worse!

I'm such a groovy guy
Yeah, I'm such a groovy guy
I'm such a groovy guy
I'm such a groovy guy

I'm such a groovy guy
Yeah, I'm such a groovy guy
I'm such a groovy guy
I'm such a groovy guy

I visit Mr. Frump in the hospital
I see him most every day
And when I see Mr. Frump in his iron lung
This is what I hear him say

Y'know, Mr. Frump is my very best friend
He's never a chump or a tease
He never tells me lies, and best of all
He never disagrees

I bring him candy and flowers every afternoon
Sit down by his side and say "Hi"
And then I ask him his opinion of the world situation
And I wait for Mr. Frump's reply, and Mr. Frump would say

Well, unfortunately, soon it came to be
Mr. Frump's dying day
And now I bring to you the very last thing
That Mr. Frump had to say....

Amen 

How come you're always such a fussy young man
Don't want no Captain Crunch, don't want no Raisin Bran
Well, don't you know that other kids are starving in Japan
So eat it, just eat it

Don't wanna argue, I don't wanna debate
Don't wanna hear about what kind of food you hate
You won't get no dessert 'til you clean off your plate
So eat it

Don't you tell me you're full

Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Get yourself an egg and beat it
Have some more chicken, have some more pie
It doesn't matter if it's boiled or fried

Just eat it, eat it, just eat it, eat it
Just eat it, eat it, just eat it, eat it, ooh

Your table manners are a cryin' shame
You're playin' with your food, this ain't some kind of game
Now, if you starve to death, you'll just have yourself to blame
So eat it, just eat it

You better listen, better do what you're told
You haven't even touched your tuna casserole
You better chow down or it's gonna get cold
So eat it

I don't care if you're full
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Open up your mouth and feed it
Have some more yogurt, have some more spam
It doesn't matter if it's fresh or canned

Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Don't you make me repeat it
Have a banana, have a whole bunch
It doesn't matter what you had for lunch

Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it

Eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
If it's gettin' cold, reheat it
Have a big dinner, have a light snack
If you don't like it, you can't send it back

Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Get yourself an egg and beat it (oh lord)
Have some more chicken, have some more pie
It doesn't matter if it's boiled or fried

Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Don't you make me repeat it (oh no)
Have a banana, have a whole bunch
It doesn't matter what you had for lunch
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it

I was waiting in the express lane with my twelve items or less
At the checkout counter at the local grocery store
I was only passin' by
But a paper caught my eye
And I learned a few things I never knew before

It said your pet may be an extraterrestrial
It said the ghost of Elvis is living in my den
You can learn to cope with stress
You can beat the IRS
And the incredible frog boy is on the loose again

Oh, Midnight Star
It's in the weekly Midnight Star
Aliens from outer space are sleeping in my car
Midnight Star, I wanna know, I wanna know

Eat jelly doughnuts, and lose twenty pounds a day
Hear the story of the man born without a head
And top psychics all agree
That the telephone company
Will have a brand new service that lets you talk to the dead

Oh, Midnight Star
You can believe it if you read it in the weekly Midnight Star
They're keeping Hitler's brain alive inside a jar
Midnight Star, I wanna know, I wanna know

Tell me, tell me, tell me how to make my bust-line grow
Midnight Star, I wanna know

Oh, Midnight Star
Well, don't you know that I read it, I read it in the weekly Midnight Star
The UFOs have landed, and we'll tell you where they are
Midnight Star, I wanna know, I wanna know

Midnight Star
Well, you can read all about in in the weekly Midnight Star
You can use your ESP to learn to play guitar
I wanna know, I wanna know

(Ah, Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know
(Ah, Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know
(Ah, Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know
(Ah, Midnight Star) Inquiring minds like mine wanna know

You can watch Mr. Rogers
You can watch Three's Company
And you can turn on Fame or The Newlywed Game
Or The Addams Family

I say, you can watch Barney Miller
And you can watch your MTV
And you can watch till your eyes fall out of your head
That'll be okay with me

And you can watch (TV)

You can watch Johnny Carson
You can watch Phil Donahue
And you can use TV Guide to help you decide
With a capsulized review

Say, you can watch 60 Minutes
Even Captain Kangaroo
But there's only one set, so whatever you watch
Well, you know I gotta watch it, too

Say, give it up, give it up, television's taking its toll
That's enough, that's enough, gimme the remote control
I've been nice, I've been good, please don't do this to me
Turn it off, turn it off, I don't want to have to see

The Brady Bunch
Not The Brady Bunch
Well, The Brady Bunch
Yeah, The Brady Bunch

It's the story of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold like their mother
The youngest one in curls

It's a story of a man named Brady
Who was busy with three boys of his own
They were four men living all together
Yeah, but they were all alone

Until the one day, one day when the lady met the fellow
And they knew, and they knew it was much more than a hunch
That the group, this group must somehow form a family
That's the way, that's the way, that's the way they all became

Gonna buy me a condo
Gonna buy me a Cuisinart
Get a wall-to-wall carpeting
Get a wallet full 'o credit cards
I gonna buy me a condo, never have to mow de lawn
I gonna get me da T-shirt wit' de alligator on

Wo, used to live in Jamaica but I don't live dere no more
Had to change me lifestyle
Do t'ings I never done before
So now I'm just a lonely Rastaman
Living in dis American town
Gonna sell me Bob Marley records
Gonna get me some Jackson Browne

I gonna buy me a condo
Gonna buy me a Cuisinart
Get a wall-to-wall carpeting
and get a wallet full 'o credit cards, eh
I gonna buy me a condo, never have to mow de lawn
I gonna get me da T-shirt wit' de alligator on

Wo, gonna cut off me dreadlocks
T'row away all me ganja
I'll have a tupperware party
Maybe join me a health spa
I'll get a bowl of plastic fruits
And a microwave oven, too
Then I'll have the neighbors over for a weenie barbeque

Gonna buy me a condo
Gonna buy me a Cuisinart
Get a wall-to-wall carpeting
Get a wallet full 'o credit cards, oh
I gonna buy me a condo, never have to mow de lawn
I get a funny little T-shirt wit' de alligator on

Ain't gonna work in de field no more
Gonna be Amway distributor
Ain't gonna work in de field no more (no, no)
Gonna be Amway distributor

(Ja) Ja, ja, ja, life is so very hard
I need a (ja) ja, ja, ja jacuzi in me back yard

Oh, I gonna buy me a condo
Gonna buy me a Cuisinart
Get a wall-to-wall carpeting
Get a wallet full 'o credit cards, eh
I gonna buy me a condo, never have to mow de lawn
I get me da T-shirt wit' de alligator on

What'd you say?

I gonna buy me a condo
I gonna buy me a Cuisinart
Get a wall-to-wall carpeting
Get a wallet full 'o credit cards, oh
I gonna buy me a condo, never have to mow de lawn
I gonna get me da T-shirt wit' de alligator on

What'd you say?

I gonna buy me a condo
Gonna buy me a Cuisinart
Get a wall-to-wall carpeting
And get a wallet full 'o credit cards, oh
I gonna buy me a condo, never have to mow de lawn
I gonna get me da T-shirt wit' de alligator on 

I was there to match my intellect on national TV
Against a plumber, oh and an architect, both with a PhD
I was tense, I was nervous, I guess it just wasn't my night
Art Fleming gave the answers
Oh, but I couldn't get the questions right-ight-ight

I lost on Jeopardy, baby, ooh
I lost on Jeopardy, baby, ooh

Well, I knew I was in trouble now
My hope of winning sank
Oh, 'cause I got the Daily Double now
And then my mind went blank
I took Potpourri for one hundred
And then my head started to spin
Well, I'm givin' up, Don Pardo
Just tell me now what I didn't win, yeah, yeah

I lost on Jeopardy, baby, ooh
I lost on Jeopardy, baby, ooh

[Spoken:]
That's right, Al - you lost
And let me tell you what you didn't win: a twenty set volume of the Encyclopedia International
A case of Turtle Wax, and a years supply of Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat
But that's not all, you also made yourself look like a jerk in front of millions of people
And you brought shame and disgrace to your family name for generations to come
You don't get to come back tomorrow
You don't even get a lousy copy of our home game
You're a complete loser!

Don't know what I was thinkin' of
I guess I just wasn't to bright
Well, I sure hope I do better
Next weekend on the Price Is Right-ight-ight

I lost on Jeopardy, baby, ooh
I lost on Jeopardy, baby, ooh
I lost on Jeopardy, baby 

I need a Vegematic!
I need a Pocket Fisherman!
I need a handy appliance
That'll scramble an egg while it's still inside its shell!
(Operators are standing by.
How does that make you feel?)
Help me.
Mr. Popeil!

I wanna shine some pennies!
I wanna mend some leather!
I wanna Krazy-Glue my head to the bottom of a big steel girder!
(Please, no C.O.D.'s.
Don't miss out on this deal.)
Ah, help me.
Mr. Popeil!

Help me.
Mr. Popeil!
Mr. Popeil!
Mr. Popeil!

(Wo-o, wo-o. Ohhhhhh.)
It slices. It dices.
Look at that tomato!
You could even cut a tin can with it,
But you wouldn't want to!

Mr. Popeil, I'm in trouble.
Need your assistance on the double.
Oh no! Now how am I gonna make
My old vinyl car top look like new?
Mr. Popeil!
Tell me, what am I s'posed to do?

Mr. Popeil!
Mr. Popeil!

(Now how much would you pay?)
But wait, there's more!
It's not sold in any store!
(Now how much would you pay?)
Don't answer yet,
Just look what else you get!
(Now how much would you pay?)
If you order today,
You get a Ginsu knife and a smokeless ashtray!
(Now how much would you pay?)
Now how much would you pay?
Mr. Popeil, Mr. Popeil.
Mr. Popeil, Mr. Popeil.
Mr. Popeil, Mr. Popeil.
Mr. Popeil, Mr. Popeil.

Make me buy a Garden Weasel!
Make me buy a Bamboo Steamer!
Make me take advantage
Of this amazing TV offer!
(Call our toll-free number,
We'll make you such a deal.)
Aw, help me!
Mr. Popeil. I want it!
(Mr. Popeil.) Well, I need it!
(Mr. Popeil.) I got to got to got to have it!
Mr. Popeil!
Mr. Popeil!
Hey! 

There's a sale on our gabardine suits today
They're all thirty percent off from yesterday
There's Fortrel polyester, leather, wool, and tweed
Just a Visa or Mastercard is all you need
We got every color, we got ev'ry shade
We're located next door to Willy's Fun Arcade
We got every fabric that was ever made
But I'm known in this city as the King of Suede

We got portly and regular and extra-long
(Is my size up there?)
We got tailors to fix it if it comes out wrong
(Is my size up there?)
We got all kinds of sweatshirts, you can take your pick
(Is my size up there?)
With the collars ripped off, like in that Flashdance flick
(Is my size up there?)

Our prices are low, my staff is underpaid
You can buy off the rack or have it custom-made
And it's all guaranteed to never shrink or fade
'Cause of my reputation as the King of Suede

If you need a tuxedo for your junior prom
(Is my size up there?)
We can get you the best one that's made in Taiwan
(Is my size up there?)
We got jackets with patches on the elbows, too
(Is my size up there?)
And we'll sell 'em all factory-direct to you
(Is my size up there?)

Well, I never made it past the second grade
It took all of my life for me to learn this trade
But my friends are all thinking that I've got it made
'Cause I'm known the world over as the King of Suede

There's a two-for-one sale on our three-piece suits
Check out our suede pajamas and our suede-covered boots
You can try on our suede underwear if you choose
Do what you want, but don't step on my blue suede shoes

King of Suede

Don't miss out on our giant liquidation sale
(Is my size up there?)
Look for our color catalog in next week's mail
(Is my size up there?)
There's a sale on our double-knit slacks today
It's the same old sale as yesterday

Thirty years in the same location I have stayed
There I am, right next door to Willy's Fun Arcade
I got tough competition, but I'm not afraid
'Cause it's my destiny to be the King of Suede

King of Suede
King of Suede
King of Suede
I'll always be King of Suede
I'll always be King of Suede

We all used to call him Jimmy the Geek
He was a dumb-lookin', scrawny, little four-eyed freak
He never used to hang around with the guys
He'd just sit in the corner, attractin' the flies

He wasn't much to look at
He never was very bright
but at least there was one thing that he could do all right
That boy could dance

He was kind of a jerk
He was kind of a bore
but the women would scream when he walked in the door
'cause one thing I could tell you for sure
That boy could dance

Picking teams, he would always be last
He couldn't run very far,
He couldn't think very fast
If he was on your side, you'd always lose
the guy had a problem, even tying his shoes

He never passed his drivers test
He was always afraid of cars
and he had a complexion that resembled the surface of Mars
but that boy could dance

Well, his hair was a mess
and his clothes didn't fit
He smelled pretty bad, and he drooled just a bit
but you gotta admit
boy, that boy could dance

Now that boy is much older
he's got his own dance studio
He's got a teeny bopper fan club
yeah, he's got his own TV show
now he owns half of Montana
they all call him "Diamond Jim"
and you know I'd do anything if I could be just like him
'cause that boy could dance

Fat and weak, what a disgrace
Guess the champ got too lazy
Ain't gonna fly now, he's just takin' up space
Sold his gloves, threw his eggs down the drain

But he's no bum, he works down the street
He bought the neighborhood deli
Back on his feet, now he's choppin' up meat
Come inside, maybe you'll hear him say

Try the rye or the kaiser
They're on special tonight
If you want, you can have an appetizer
You might like our salami and the liver's all right
And they'd really go well with the rye
Or the kaiser

Never eats while on the job
He heard it's good to stay hungry
But he makes a pretty mean shish kabob
Have a taste, they were made fresh today

Try the rye or the kaiser or the wheat or the white
Maybe I can suggest an appetizer
Stay away from the tuna, it smells funny tonight
But you just can't go wrong with the rye
Or the kaiser

So today, his deli comes first
Still he dreams of his past days of glory
Goes in the back and beats up on the liverwurst
All the while you can still hear him say

It's the rye or the kaiser, it's the thrill of one bite
Let me please be your catering advisor
If you want substitutions I won't put up a fight
You can have your roast beef on the rye
Or the kaiser

The rye or the kaiser
The rye or the kaiser
The rye or the kaiser

Coming this Christmas to a theater near you
The most horrifying film that hit the screen.
There's a homicidal maniac who finds a cub-scout troop
and he hacks up two or three in every scene.
Please don't reveal the secret ending to your friends
Don't spoil the big surprise
You won't believe your eyes when you see

Nature trail to hell
Nature trail to hell
Nature trail to hell in 3-D
Nature trail to hell in 3-D
Nature trail to hell in 3-D
Nature trail to hell in 3-D

See severed heads that almost fall right in your lap.
See that bloody hatchet coming right at you.
No, you'll never see hideous effects like these again
Until we bring nature trail to hell part 2
So bring the kids along it's good clean family fun.
What have you got to lose
If you like the 6 O'Clock news then you'll love.

I finally made it through med school
Somehow I made it through
I'm just an intern
I still make a mistake or two

I was last in my class
Barely passsed at the institute
Now I'm trying to avoid, yah I'm trying to avoid
A malpractise suit

Hey, like a surgeon
Cuttin' for the very first time
Like a surgeon
Organ transplants are my line

Better give me all your gause nurse
This patient's fading fast
Complications have set in
Don't know how long he'll last

Let me see, that I.V.
Here we go - time to operate
I'll pull his indsides out, pull his insides out
And see what he ate

Like a surgeon, hey
Cuttin' for the very first time
Like a surgeon
Here's a waiver for you to sign

Woe, woe, woe

It's a fact - I'm a quack
The disgrace of the A.M.A.
'Cause my patients die, yah my patients die
Before they can pay

Like a surgeon, hey
Cuttin' for the very first time
Like a surgeon
Got your kidneys on my mind

Like a surgeon, ooh like a surgeon
When I reach inside
With my scalpel, and my forceps, and retractors
Oh oh, oh oh, woe, oh

Ooh baby, yah
I can hear your heartbeat
For the very last time

Put down that chainsaw and listen to me
It's time for us to join in the fight
It's time to let your babies grow up to be cowboys
It's time to let the bedbugs bite

You better put all your eggs in one basket
You better count your chickens before they hatch
You better sell some wine before its time
You better find yourself an itch to scratch

You better squeeze all the Charmin you can while Mr. Whipple's not around
Stick your head in the microwave and get yourself a tan

Talk with your mouth full
Bite the hand that feeds you
Bite off more than you chew
What can you do
Dare to be stupid

Take some wooden nickles
Look for Mr. Goodbar
Get your mojo working now
I'll show you how
You can dare to be stupid

You can turn the other cheek
You can just give up the ship
You can eat a bunch of sushi and forget to leave a tip

Dare to be stupid
Come on and dare to be stupid
It's so easy to do
Dare to be stupid
We're all waiting for you
Let's go

It's time to make a mountain out of a molehill
So can I have a volunteer
There's no more time for crying over spilled milk
Now it's time for crying in your beer

Settle down, raise a family, join the PTA
Buy some sensible shoes and a Chevrolet
And party 'till you're broke and they drag you away
It's OK, you can dare to be stupid

It's like spitting on a fish
It's like barking up a tree
It's like I said you gotta buy one if you wanna get one free

Dare to be stupid (yes)
Why don't you dare to be stupid
It's so easy to do
Dare to be stupid
We're all waiting for you
Dare to be stupid

Burn your candle at both ends
Look a gift horse in the mouth
Mashed potatoes can be your friends

You can be a coffee achiever
You can sit around the house and watch Leave It To Beaver
The future's up to you
So what you gonna do

Woh oh

I want a new duck
One that won't try to bite
One that won't chew a hole in my socks
One that won't quack all night

I want a new duck
One with big webbed feet
One that knows how to wash my car
And keep his room real neat

One that won't raid the ice box
One that'll stay in shape
One that's never gonna try to migrate or escape
Or I'll tie him up with duck tape

I want a new duck
A mallard I think
One that won't make a mess of my house
Or build a nest in the bathroom sink

I want a new duck
One that won't steal my beer
One that won't stick his bill in my mail
One that knows the duck stops here

One that won't drive me crazy waddling all around
One who'll teach me how to swim and help me not to drown
And show me how to get down
How to get down baby

Get it?

I want a new duck
Not a swan or a goose
Just a drake I can dress real cute
Think I'm gonna name him Bruce

I want a new duck
Not a quail or an owl
One that won't molt to much
One that won't smell too fowl

One that won't beg for breadcrumbs
Hangin' around all day
He'd better mind his manners
Better do just what I say
Or he's gonna be duck patte, duck patte, yah, yah

Well I heard that you're leavin' (leavin')
Gonna leave me far behind (so far behind)
'Cause you found a brand new lover
You decided that I'm not your kind (aahh..)

So I pulled (I pulled) your name out (name out) of my Rolodex (oohh..)
And I tore all your pictures in two
And I burned down the malt shop where we used to go
Just because it reminds me of you (dippity dippity doo)

That's right (that's right) you ain't gonna see me cryin'
I'm glad (I'm glad) that you found somebody new
'Cause I'd rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass
Than spend one more minute with you

I guess I might seem kinda bitter
You got me feeling down in the dumps
'Cause I'm stranded all alone in the gas station of love
And I have to use the self-service pumps

Oh, so honey, let me help you with that suitcase
You ain't (you ain't) gonna break my heart in two
'Cause I'd rather get a hundred thousand paper cuts on my face
Than spend one more minute with you

I'd rather rip out my intestines with a fork
Than watch you going out with other men
I'd rather slam my fingers in a door (yah)
Again and again and again and again and again

Oh, can't you see what I'm tryin' to say, Darlin...

I'd rather have my blood sucked out by leeches (leeches)
Shove an icepick under a toenail or two
I'd rather clean all the bathroom in Grand Central Station with my tongue
Than spend one more minute with you

Yes, I'd rather jump naked on a huge pile of thumbtacks
Or stick my nostrils together with crazy glue
I'd rather dive into a swimming pool filled with double-edged razor blades
Than spend one more minute with you

I'd rather rip my heart out of my ribcage with my bare hands
and then throw it on the floor and stomp on it 'till I die
Than spend one more minute with you 

I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda
S O D A, soda

I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said "Yoda"
Y O D A, Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Well, I've been around, but I ain't never seen
A guy who looks like a muppet, but he's wrinkled and green
Oh, my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Well, I'm not dumb, but I can't understand
How he can lift me in the air just by raising his hand
Oh, my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Well, I left home just a week before
And I've never ever been a Jedi before
But Obi Wan, he set me straight, of course
He said, "Go to Yoda and he'll show you the Force"

Well I'm not the kind that would argue with Ben
So it looks like I'm gonna start all over again
With my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

So I used the Force
I picked up a box
I lifted some rocks
While I stood on my head
Well, I won't forget what Yoda said

He said, "Luke, stay away from the darker side
And if you start to go astray, let the Force be your guide"
Oh, my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

"I know Darth Vader's really got you annoyed
But remember, if you kill him, then you'll be unemployed"
Oh, my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Well, I heard my friends really got in a mess
So I'm gonna have to leave Yoda I guess
But I know that I'll be coming back some day
I'll be playing this part 'till I'm old and gray

The long-term contract I had to sign
Says I'll be making these movies till the end of time
With my Yoda

George, George, George of the jungle
Strong as he can be
Ahhh
Watch out for that tree

George, George, George of the jungle
Lives a life that's free
Ahhh
Watch out for that tree

When he gets in scrapes
When he makes his escapes
With the help of his friend
An ape named Ape

Then away he'll schlep
On his elephant Shep
While Fella and Ursula
Stay in step with

George, George, George of the jungle
Friend to you and me
Ahhh
Watch out for that tree
Watch out for that (Ahhh) (Oooh) tree
George, George, George of the Jungle
Friend to you and me 

Things just haven't been the same
Since the flying saucer came
Now the aliens are on the loose

Well, we tried to hold 'em back
Tried to ward off their attack
But our atom bombs were just no use

They were ugly, they were mean
Biggest heads I ever seen
They made everybody scream and shout

First they leveled Tokyo
Then New York was next to go
Boy I really wish they'd cut it out

They wasted everybody on my block
There goes the neighborhood
They'll zap you with their death ray eyes
And blow you up real good

Run for your lives
They're not very nice to the human race

There's more comin' every day
And they just won't go away
Now they're reproducing in the sewers

They got slimy lizard skin
And an evil lookin' grin
And they sure could use some manicures

They got hands all covered with fungus
They got eyes like some kinda bug
I sure hope they don't come in here
I just shampooed the rug

Run for your lives

They're really makin' a mess of this place.

They'll rip your head off just for fun
They'll paralyze your mind
They're wearin' out their welcome

I don't think I like their kind
They'll suck your brain out through a straw
You just can't trust those guys

So hide the children, lock the doors
And always watch the skies
Look out, here come the

They're an intergalactic disgrace

I wish they'd just get outta my face

They're makin' a big fat mess of this place

Oh, where did they come from?
What do they want from us?
Who do they think they are?

Why don't they leave me alone?
They're really getting on my nerves

Some girls like to buy new shoes
And others like drivin' trucks and wearing tattoos
There's only one thing that they all like a bunch
Oh, girls, they want to have lunch
Oh, girls just want to have lunch

I know how to keep a woman satisfied
When I whip out my Diner's Card their eyes get so wide
They're always in the mood for something to munch
Oh, girls, they want to have lunch
Oh, girls just want to have

That's all they really want
Some lunch
Don't ask 'em to dinner or breakfast or brunch
'Cause girls, they want to have lunch
Oh, girls just want to have lunch

Girls, they want
Want to have lunch
Girls wanna have

She eats like she got a hole in her neck
And I'm the one that always gets stuck with the check
Can't figure out how come they don't weigh a ton
Oh, girls, they want to have lunch
Oh, girls just want to have

That's all they really want
Is some lunch
Don't know for certain but I've got a hunch
Those girls, they want to have lunch
Oh, girls just want to have lunch

I eat filet mignon seven times a day
My bathtub's filled with Perrier
What can I say
This is the life

I buy a dozen cars when I'm in the mood
I hire somebody to chew my food
I'm an upwardly mobile dude
This is the life

They say that money corrupts you
But I can't really tell
I got the whole world at my feet
And I think it's pretty swell

I got women lined up outside my door
They've been waitin' there since the week before
Who could ask for more
This is the life

You're dead for a real long time
You just can't prevent it
So if money can't buy happiness
I guess I'll have to rent it

Yeah, every day I make the front page news
No time to pay my dues
I got a million pairs of shoes
This is the life

I got a solid gold Cadillac
I make a fortune while I sleep
You can tell I'm a living legend
Not some ordinary creep

No way, I'm the boss, the big cheese
Yeah, I got this town on its knobby little knees
And I can do just what I please
This is the life

That's right, I'm the king, number one
I buy monographed Kleenex by the ton
I pay the bills, I call the shots
I grease the palms, I buy the yachts

One thing I can guarantee
The best things in life, they sure ain't free
It's such a thrill just to be me
This is the life
Waah, this is the life 

I used to think my life was so empty
I used to think life was passin' me by
Well, I was just about ready
To curl up and die

But then one day I got a visit
From the cable company
Well, they hooked me up and plugged me right in
And now I got cable TV

And now I get to watch the stock report in Korean
Midget wrestling on channel three
It costs me fifty bucks a month just to see 'em
Yeah, but that's all right with me

I got cable TV (Cable TV)
Cable TV (Cable TV)
Oh, eighty-three channels of ecstasy
I love my cable TV, yeah
I love my cable TV

I got the Siamese Faith Healer's Network
The news and weather from Peru
I got celebrity hockey
The Racketball Channel too

Bugs Bunny direct from Atlanta
Mr. Wizard is on at five
I got a satellite dish on the trunk of my car
So I can watch MTV while I drive

I'm talkin' 'bout real quality programs
The kind you just can't get for free
Now I never wanna leave my apartment
'Cause there's just so much for me to see

On my cable TV (Cable TV)
Cable TV(Cable TV)
Well, if you need to find me
You know where I'll be
Watchin' my cable TV, yeah
Watchin' my cable TV

'Cause I love my cable TV, yeah
I love my cable TV

My friends are gettin' kinda worried
They think I'm turning into some kinda freak
Oh, but they're just jealous 'cause I've seen Porky's
Twenty-seven times this week

Help me out! Dig!
All I do is grunt and groan
Hurts me to walk anywhere
Went to see my physician, Dr. Jones
He took my trousers off, told me to cough
Doctor says there ain't nothin' to discuss
He tells me any day I might have to wear a truss

Living with a hernia
All the time, such aggravation
Living with a hernia
Gonna be my ruination
Living with a hernia
Got to have an operation
Feel so old

Too much bad pain
Good gawd, drives me insane
Can't run, barely crawl
Got a bulge in my intestinal wall
Walk real funny, bless my soul
Can't play tennis and it's hard to bowl
You can't even do the splits now... Say it!
Better call it quits now
Now I'm sick of all this dancin' anyhow

Living with a hernia
Hurts me bad in a tender location
Living with a hernia
Had enough humiliation
Living with a hernia
Got to have an operation

I live with a hernia
Can't get up, can't bend over
Now I live with a hernia
Wait a minute...
You may not be familiar with the common types
Of hernias that you could get
So just settle down, let me clue you in
There's incomplete
Epigastric
Bladder
Strangulated
Lumbar hernia
Richter's hernia
Obstructed
Inguinal and Direct

Living with a hernia...Rupture!
I said it's causin' me such irritation
Living with a hernia
Have to have my medication
Living with a hernia
I feel bad! 

Found a job in a great big office,
And I really love this place
I got my.... my very own scotch tape dispenser,
And I've got a private parking space... Ha!
And I... I got my coffee mug with my... with my name right on it
In big bold letters, so everyone knows it's mine
Don't even touch it, cause... cause it doesn't belong to you.
And I'm watchin' you, so don't get funny.

I'm climbing up, up the corporate ladder.
Watch out! It's dog eat dog.
Nose against the grindstone, it feels alright.
Watch Out! It's dog eat dog.
Here we go.

I love to watch my boss get angry,
So I can count the veins in his neck. Ha!
Everyday is like a picnic,
Every Friday, get a check.

Well, do I smell Jelly donuts? This is my lucky day!
I'll have some coffee with a carcinogenic sweetener.
Hold on a minute, just one more jelly donut.
They'll never miss it.... No, they'll never miss it!

I.... I'm climbing up, up the corporate ladder!
Watch Out! Well, It's dog eat dog.
Nose against the grindstone, it feels alright.
Watch out, hey! Well, It's dog eat dog.

Sometimes I can't believe this is all really happening!
Sometimes I can't believe that I'm really sitting here!
Sometimes I tell myself, "This is not my beautiful stapler!"
Sometimes I tell myself, "This is not my beautiful chair!"

Lahg-doogie-doggy-dog-dog-dah-aye-yah-yah
Ha! Ha!

Nobody's sure what I do here,
And ahh, that's just fine with me.
Five o'clock is here much too soon now,
'Cause I just never wanna leave.

I can bend paper clips into the shapes of small animals
Maybe I can get on, on David Letterman
I-I-I-I-I think I made a big mistake
Where's my liquid paper, where's my liquid paper?

I, I'm climbing up, way up the corporate ladder now
Watch out! Well, It's dog eat dog.
Nose against the grindstone, it feels alright.
Better be careful now, It's dog eat dog
Watch me work. Hey, hey, stand back now.
Look out mama! It's dog eat dog.
Nose against the grindstone, it feels real good.
Hey, dog eat dog.
Here we go.

Potato skins, potato cakes
Hash browns, and instant flakes
Baked or boiled or french fried
There's no kind you haven't tried

You planned a trip to Idaho
Just to watch potatoes grow
I understand how you must feel
I can't deny they've got appeal

Whoah
You like them whether they are plain or they're stuffed, oh yeah
Better face the facts, it seems you can't get enough
You know, you're gonna have to face it
You're addicted to spuds

Your greasy hands, your salty lips
Looks like you found the chips
Your belly aches, your teeth grind
Some tator tots would blow your mind

And you don't mind if they're not cooked
You need your fix, I guess you're hooked
And late at night you always dream
Of bacon bits and sour cream

Whoah, you like them even if they're lumpy or tough, oh yeah
Whee, It's pretty obvoius to me you can't get enough
You know you're gonna have to face it
You're addicted to spuds

Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds

Ooh yeah

I'm givin' up, it'sjust no use
Another case of spud abuse
What can I say, what can I do
Potato bug has got me too, Wahoo

I used to hate them, now they're all that I eat, oh yeah
Whee, I've often seen then whipped, but they just can't be beat
Now I'm gonna have to face it
I'm addicted to spuds

Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds

Got to work late 'cause my alarm was busted
The boss chewed me out and everybody's disgusted
'Cause it's one of those days, it's just one of those days

I lost one of my socks in the drier
I can't find my wallet and my hair is on fire
Just one of those days, it's just one of those days

I just wrapped my Cadillac around a tree
A big swarm of locusts is following me
There's not even anything good on TV
It's just one of those day, it's just one of those days

Left all my Beatles records out in the sun
Got a Coke bottle stuck on the end of my tongue
It's just one of those days, gonna be one of those days

The nazis tied me up and covered me with ants
And I spilled toxic waste on my brand new pants
Just one of those days, ever have one of those days

The bank called me up and told me I'm overdrawn
Some freaks are burnin' crosses out on my front lawn
And I can't believe it, all the Cheetos are gone
It's just, just one of those, one of those days
Just one of those, one of those days

The F.B.I. has got a tap on my phone
Those darn Russian spies won't leave me alone
Shouldn't have got up this morning, should've known
It's just one of those days, it's just one of those days

A 747 crashed into my den
And there's nothin' but tater-tots for dinner again
It's just one of those days
Never mind, it's just one of those days

Big steamroller just ran over my mom
And I cut myself shaving and they're dropping the bomb
It's just one of those days
That's all, it's just one of those days

Then late at night, just before I go to bed
The world blows up and now everybody's dead
You just can't deny it, it's just like I said
Just, just one of those, one of those days
Just one of those, one of those days

Here's Johnny

There he goes, he drives me crazy
When he says...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
That's his job, it's so amazing
All he says is...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
I never miss a moment when he's on the tube
His being there has made my life worth living
The chills run down my spine
Each time he says that line

"Here's Johnny!" He says, and laughs in his special way
"...Johnny!" he says, you know I love him
"Here's Johnny!" he says, and "second fiddle" is his game
Ed McMahon's his name...all right

Dressed so fine, he's such a cool dude
Hear him say...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
Watch him selling beer and dog food
Hear him say...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
I got a letter from him just the other day
He said, "You may already be a winner!"
A trooper to the end
A Clydesdale's best friend

"Here's Johnny!" he says, and laughs in his special way
"...Johnny!" he says, you know I love him
"Here's Johnny!" he says, and that's the way he gets his pay
What a living

Oh...(Here's Johnny! Here's Johnny!) Wo-o-o, no
(Here's Johnny! Here's Johnny!) No no no no no no, I don't believe it
(Here's Johnny!) he says, and everytime it's just the same
Ed McMahon's his name

A very special guy...all right
He's on every night
Can't change the channel
When he's sitting on the panel
(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
There he goes, he gives me goose bumps
When he says...(Hey-O-Hey-Hey-O!)

"Here's Johnny!" he says, and laughs in his special way
"...Johnny!" he says, you know I love him
"Here's Johnny!" he says, that seems to be his claim to fame
Ed McMahon's his name 

I don't care
If you wreck my car or shave off all my hair
You can go
And run your vacuum during my favorite show
And I'll let you call up folks in Europe you don't even know
Anything you want, babe, if it makes you happy

But I'm begging you down on my bended knees
Oh, honey, please don't wear those shoes
You can spend my money, you can waste my time
Baby, I don't mind, but please don't wear those shoes
Don't wear those shoes

It's alright
You can play your Twisted Sister every night
I suppose
You can lick the middle out of my oreos
Or start laughing while you're drinking milk so it comes out your nose
And you know I'd do anything to please you

But I'm begging you down on my bended knees
Oh, honey, please don't wear those shoes.
You can spit in my face in you're so inclined
Baby, I don't mind, but please don't wear those shoes

Oh, no...oh,no...oh, no, don't wear those shoes
I said oh, no...oh, no...oh, no, please don't wear those...

Use my razor to shave your legs
And eat crackers in bed
Stomp the poodle 'til it's flat
You can even shove a six-inch railroad spike through my head
I can learn to live with that

But now I'm begging you down on my bended knees
Oh, honey, please, don't wear those shoes
You can whip me, beat me, rob me blind
Baby, I don't mind, but please don't wear those...

I said oh, no...oh, no...oh, no, don't wear those shoes
I said oh, no...oh, no...oh, no, don't wear those shoes

You can scratch up my records, you can drink my booze
But baby, please don't wear those shoes
You can make me an offer I can't refuse
But darling, please don't wear those shoes
You can play your bongos while I'm trying to snooze
But honey, please don't wear those shoes
You can expose yourself on the six o' clock news
But please, please don't wear those shoes 

They only show you their gums when they smile
Ain't got a tooth in their heads now how vile
Only can eat things like pudding and applesauce
They never have to buy toothpicks or dental floss

Hey, stand up
Toothless people, the breath is lethal
Wanna tell ya

Hey, (come on), stand up, (get on your feet)
Toothless people, old and feeble
What I say

No more of those pearly whites will they posses
Their oral hygiene is frightful a mess
Lots of 'em suffering from trench mouth and gum disease
At least they don't have to worry 'bout cavities

Hey, stand up, (take out your teeth)
Toothless people, old and feeble
Oh yes

You can brush 'em. You can floss 'em
They're something you just can't ignore
If you lose 'em your in trouble
'Cause the tooth fairy won't come no more

You need something to show your dentist
The next time he makes you say ahh
You don't wanna have to wind up
Eating all of your food through a straw

(Like toothless people)
(Toothless people)

You better brush your teeth now
Hey
Toothless toothless toothless toothless people… 

Oh, I couldn't live a single day without you
Actually, on second thought, well, I suppose I could
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, honey, you're the greatest
Well, at any rate, I guess you're...pretty good

Now, it seems to me I'm relatively lucky
I know I probably couldn't ask for too much more
I honestly can say you're an above-average lady
You're almost just what I've been looking for

You're sort of everything I've ever wanted
You're not perfect, but I love you anyhow
You're the woman that I've always dreamed of
Well, not really...but you're good enough for now

You're pretty close to what I've always hoped for
That's why my love for you is fairly strong
And I swear I'm never gonna leave you, darlin'
At least 'til something better comes along

'Cause you're sort of everything I've ever wanted
You're not perfect, but I love you anyhow
You're the woman that I've always dreamed of
Well, not really...but you're good enough for now
No, not really...but you're good enough for now 

It's Christmas at Ground Zero
There's music in the air
The sleigh bells are ringin' and the carolers are singin'
While the air raid sirens blare

It's Christmas at Ground Zero
The button has been pressed
The radio just let us know
That this is not a test

Everywhere the atom bombs are droppin'
It's the end of all humanity
No more time for last minute shoppin'
It's time to face your final destiny

Well, it's Christmas at Ground Zero
There's panic in the crowd
We can dodge debris while we trim the tree
Underneath a mushroom cloud

You might hear some reindeer on your rooftop
Or Jack Frost on your windowsill
But if someone's climbin' down your chimney
You better load your gun and shoot to kill

Oh, it's Christmas at Ground Zero
And if the radiation level's okay
I'll go out with you and see the all new
Mutations on New Year's Day

It's Christmas at Ground Zero
Just seconds left to go
I'll duck and cover with my yuletide lover
Underneath the mistletoe

It's Christmas at Ground Zero
Now the missiles are on their way
What a crazy fluke we're gonna get nuked
On this jolly holiday
What a crazy fluke we're gonna get nuked
On this jolly holiday 

Your butt is wide, well mine is too
Just watch your mouth or I'll sit on you
The word is out, better treat me right
'Cause I'm the king of cellulite
Ham on, ham on, ham on whole wheat, all right
My zippers bust, my buckles break
I'm too much man for you to take
The pavement cracks when I fall down
I've got more chins than Chinatown
Well, I've never used a phone booth
And I've never seen my toes
When I'm goin' to the movies
I take up seven rows
Because I'm fat, I'm fat, come on
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, come on you know
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
Don'tcha call me pudgy, portly or stout
Just now tell me once again who's fat
When I walk out to get my mail
It measures on the Richter scale
Down at the beach I'm a lucky man
I'm the only one who gets a tan
If I have one more pie a la mode
I'm gonna need my own zip code
When you're only having seconds
I'm having twenty-thirds
When I go to get my shoes shined
I gotta take their word
Because I'm fat, I'm fat, sha mone
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it you know
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
And my shadow weighs forty-two pounds
Lemme tell you once again who's fat
If you see me comin' your way
Better give me plenty space
If I tell you that I'm hungry
Then won't you feed my face

Doctor, every night I have the strangest dreams
Doctor, listen to me, tell me what this means
First I'm goin' shoppin' in my underwear
Then all of sudden I'm floating in mid air
My lips fall off and everybody starts to stare
Donuts and hot dogs are flying everywhere
Now Doctor, wait a minute, you ain't heard nothin' yet
Next comes the part that I won't ever forget
Now I'm bein' followed by these Russian spies
They give me some velcro, and an order of fries
Suddenly I'm bowling on the Starship Enterprise
I fall down a hole and that's when I realize
I am stuck in a closet with Vanna White
I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White
Night after night after night after night
All right!
Doctor, won't you tell me, am I going insane
Was it something I ate or something wrong with my brain
See, I'm naked in church when I meet a dinosaur
Try to run, but my feet have been nailed to the floor
Then a midget pushes me through a revolving door
And I'm back in the very same place I was before
Now I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White
I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White
Night after night after night after night
And I can't bust out and I can't break free
And it's gettin' just a little too stuffy here for me
And I can't go home and I can't get loose
And I try to escape but it's just no use
And I can't ever leave and I can't ever win
And we're runnin' outta air and the walls are closin' in
And I can't go back and I can't get through
But Vanna since you're here, why don't you let me buy a vowel from you
Come on Vanna, come on!
Ow, buhhh
Doctor, all those crazy dreams have started again
That's right, I even wake up screaming now and then
See, I'm coming home from work but I forgot my address
I'm half an hour late for my algebra test
Then some slimy alien jumps out of my chest
And I'm falling and falling and I guess you know the rest
I am stuck in a closet with Vanna White
I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White
Night after night after night after night
I am stuck in a closet with Vanna White
Stuck in a closet with Vanna White
N-n-n-night after night after night night night
Then I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White (ya-ya ya-ya, ya-ya, ya, ya-ya)
I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White
Night after night after night after night

This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
Couldn't think of any lyrics
No I never wrote the lyrics
So I'll just sing any old lyrics
That come to mind, child
You really need words
Whole lotta rhyming words
You gotta rhyme so many words, mm-mm
To do it, to do it, to do it, to do it
To do it, to do it right, child
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
I know that you're probably sore
'Cause I didn't write any more
I just didn't get to complete it
So that's why I gotta repeat it
This song is just six words long (six words long)
This song is just six words long (six words long)
Oh I make a lotta money
They pay me a ton of money
They're payin' me plenty of money
To sing this song, child
I gotta fill time
Three minutes worth of time
Oh, how will I fill so much time, mm-mm
I'll throw in a solo, a solo, a solo
A solo, a solo here
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song is just six words long
This song's got nothin' to say
But I'm recording it anyway
I know if I put my mind to it
I know I could find a good rhyme here
Oh, you gotta have-a music
You need really catchy music
This song has got plenty of music
But just six words, child
And so I'll sing' em over
And over and over and over
And over and over and over, mm-mm
And over and over and over
And over and over and over again
Six words long, six words long
Six words long, six words long
Six words long, six words long
This song is just six words long
It's just six words long

You make me want to slam my head against the wall
You make me do the limbo
You make me want to buy a Slurpee at the mall
You make me watch the Gong Show
There's really something kinda strange about you, baby,
But I can't exactly seem to put my finger on it
You make me
You make me
You make me
That's what you do to me
You make me want to hide a weasel in my shorts
You make me want to phone home
You make me want to write a dozen book reports
Then pack myself in Styrofoam
Sometimes you make me want to build a model of the Eiffel Tower out of Belgian waffles
You make me
You make me
You make me
That's what you do to me
That's what you do
(You make me) That's what you do
(You make me) That's what, what you do to me
You make me want to hang out in a trailer park
Then take my hamster to the beach
You make me want to do my laundry in the dark
And use a recommended bleach
When I'm with you I don't know whether I should study neurosurgery
Or go to see the Care Bears movie
You make me
You make me
You make me
That's what you do to me
That's what you do
(You make me) That's what you do
(You make me) That's what, what you do to me
That's what you do to me
That's what you do to me
That's what you do to me
You make me want to break the laws of time and space
You make me want to eat pork
You make me want to staple bagels to my face
Then remove 'em with a pitchfork
You know there's something quite unusual about you
But I can't exactly seem to put my finger on it
You make me
You make me
You make me
That's what you do to me
That's what you do
(You make me) That's what you do
(You make me) That's what, what you do to me
That's what you do
(You make me) That's what you do
(You make me) That's what you do-do-do-do-do to me
That's what you do
(You make me) That's what you do
(You make me) That's what you do to me

Isn't it strange?
Feels like I'm lookin' in the mirror
What would people say
If only they knew that I was
Part of some geneticist's plan (plan-plan-plan)
Born to be a carbon copy man (man-man-man)
There in a petri dish late one night
They took a donor's body cell and fertilized a human egg and so I say
I think I'm a clone now
There's always two of me just a-hangin' around
I think I'm a clone now
'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down
Look at the way
We go out walking close together
I guess you could say
I'm really beside myself
I still remember how it began (gan-gan-gan)
They produced a carbon copy man (man-man-man)
Born in a science lab late one night
Without a mother or a father, just a test tube and a womb with a view
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
There's always two of me just a-hangin' around
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
And I can stay at home while I'm out of town
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
'Cause every pair of genes is a hand-me-down
Signing autographs for my fans
Come and meet the carbon copy man
Livin' in stereo, it's all right
Well I can be my own best friend and I can send myself for pizza so I say
I think I'm a clone now
Another one of me's always hangin' around
I think I'm a clone now
'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
I've been on Oprah Winfrey - I'm world renowned
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
And every pair of genes is a hand-me-down
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
That's my genetic twin always hangin' around
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)

La-la-la-la-lasagna
You want-a some-a lasagna magnifico
Or a-maybe spaghetti
Ay, you supper's a-ready now, where you go
Mama mia bambino
Mama mia bambino, 'samatta you
'Samatta you, 'samatta you
You should-a taste my lasagna
Ay, you no like-a lasagna
That's okay too
How about-a calzone
Some-a nice minestrone, ats good for you
Have-a some marinara
Have-a some marinara, I know-a you like
I know-a you like, I know-a you like
La-lasagna
La-lasagna
La-lasagna
Would you like some-a zucchini
Or-a my homemade linguine, it's hard to beat
Have-a more fettuccine.
Ay, you getting too skinny, you gotta to eat
Ay, mange, mange
Ay, you-a pass the lasagna
A-don't you get any on ya, you sloppy pig
Have-a more ravioli
You-a get roly poly, a-nice and-a big
Like you cousin Luigi
Luigi, Luigi, capisce paisan
Capisce paisan, capisce paisan

Me-he-he-helanie
What can the problem be
Sweet Me-he-he-he-helanie
Why won't you go out with me
She lived across the street on the fifteenth floor of the Gilmore building
I saw her in the shower reaching for some soap
I knew she had to be the girl for me
And to think I probably never would have found her
If I hadn't bought that telescope
Oh, me-he-he-helanie
What can the problem be
Sweet me-he-he-he-helanie
Why won't you go out with me
I just can't understand it
Why won't you return my phone calls
Are you still mad I gave a Mohawk to your cat
If you'd just say the word
I'm certain that our love would last forever and ever
Or are you too dumb to realize that
Me-he-he-helanie
What can the problem be
Sweet me-he-he-he-helanie
Why won't you go out with me
How can you ignore me when you know that I can't live without you
I have to go through your garbage just to learn more about you
Melanie, ooh
Oh sweet me-he-he-helanie
Why won't you go out with me
You weren't impressed when I tattooed your name across my forehead
You wouldn't listen when I promised to be true
I couldn't stand it so I jumped out from the sixteenth story window
Right above you
Now I may be dead but I still love you

Here she come now, wants her alimony
Bleedin' me dry as a bony bony
Workin' three jobs just to stay in debt now
Well, first she took my nest egg then she took the nest
I said yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah, yeah)
'Cause she took my house (alimony), my car (alimony)
My shoes (alimony) and my toothbrush too (alimony)
Too bad (alimony), so sad (alimony)
Ah-she got (alimony), got the gift of grab (alimony)
I'm in debt (debt), debt (debt), debt (debt), debt (debt), debt (debt), debt (debt)
Lawyer's callin' me on the telephony
Tryin' to squeeze some blood from a stony-stony
Oh, I took her for better or for worse, yeah
Then she took me for everything, yeah
Everything she could get (get), get (get), get (get), get (get), get (get, get)
Well I'm out of cash (alimony), no dough (alimony)
I'm broke (alimony), it's no joke (alimony)
The check's in the mail (alimony), get off (alimony)
My back (alimony), cut me some slack (alimony)
I said yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah)
oh you do
(Oh, I want my alimo-mo-mony) is it due?
(Oh, I want my alimo-mo-mony) or you'll sue?
(Oh, I want my alimo-mo-mony)
Alimony (yeah), 'mony (yeah)
Yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah)

My life, it used to be incomplete
'Till I saw what I was looking for at a drive-in swap meet
My life it won't be the same again
Now I'm proud to say the king lives on inside my den
Oh, it's all I live for, it's all I need
My velvet Elvis
My velvet Elvis
My velvet Elvis means the world to me
Although he may not be worth much dough
He means much more to me than some old Rembrandt or Van Gogh
Check out those sideburns, there's nothing greater
You can tell that he's no velvet Elvis imitator
Oh, it's all I live for, it's all I need
My velvet Elvis
My velvet Elvis
My velvet Elvis
Oh, now you can't you see
My velvet Elvis
My velvet Elvis
My velvet Elvis means the world to me
In my own private Graceland
In my own little shrine to the king
I don't want nothin' else
No, I don't need anything
Don't need no lava lamp
Don't need no soap on a rope
No pictures of Mexican kids with those really big eyes
Or dogs playing poker
When I'm at home watching my TV
I know the king is always looking down on me
He looks so handsome, he stands so tall
So glad he's big enough to cover up that hole in the wall
He's so fuzzy
(Velvet Elvis) He's so great
(Velvet Elvis) Never ages
(Velvet Elvis) Never puts on weight
(Velvet Elvis) Look at those rhinestones
(Velvet Elvis) He's just so fine
(Velvet Elvis) You can look but don't touch now
(Velvet Elvis) 'Cause he's mine all mine

Yeah
Well, Well, Milton Bradley's got a def one
It's a Twister (Twister, Twister, Twister)
Yeah, all the girls and homeboys
Playin' Twister (Twister, Twister, Twister!)
Spin the spinner and call the shot
Twister ties you up in a knot
That's Twister
Yeah, Twister
Check it
Right foot blue (Right foot blue)
Left hand red (Left hand red)
Left, Right, Yellow, Blue, Green
Yeah, Twister
Now, everybody's chillin'
With the Twister (Twister)
Wherever things are illin'
You'll find Twister (Twister, Twister!)
That's Twister
Yeah, Twister
Yeah buddy
You gotta get it
Yeah Twister
From MB

Oh some times I think back to when I was younger
Life was so much simpler then
Dad would be up at dawn
He'd be watering the lawn
Or maybe going fishing again
Oh and mom would be fixing up something in the kitchen
Fresh biscuits or hot apple pie
And I'd spend all day long in the basement
Torturing rats with a hack-saw
And pulling the wings off of flies
Those were the good old days
Those were the good old days
The years go by but the memory stays
And those were the good old days
I can still remember good old Mr. Fender
Who ran the corner grocery store
Oh, he'd strolled down the aisle with a big friendly smile
And he'd say "Howdy" when you walked in the door
Always treated me nice, gave me kindly advice
I don't know why I set fire to his place
Oh I'll never forget the day I bashed in his head
Well you should've seen the look on his face
Let me tell ya now
Those were the good old days
Those were the good old days
The years go by but the memory stays
And those were the good old days
Do you remember sweet Michelle
She was my high school romance
She was fun to talk to and nice to smell
So I took her to the homecoming dance
Then I tied her to a chair and I shaved off all her hair
And I left her in the desert all alone
Well sometimes in my dreams
I can still hear the screams
Oh I wonder if she ever made it home
I tell ya

Beverly
Beverly Hillbillies
Huh, now lookie here, people
Listen to my story
A little story 'bout a man named Jed
You know something, that poor mountaineer
They say he barely kept his family fed
Now, let me tell you, one day he was shootin'
Old Jed was shootin' at some food
When all of a sudden right up from the ground, there
Well, there came a bubblin' crude
Oil that is, well, maybe you call it
Black gold or Texas tea
He gonna move next to Mr. Drysdale
And be a Beverly Hillbilly
Before you know it, all the kinfolk are a-sayin'
Yeah, buddy, move away from there
That little Clampett got his own cement pond
That little Clampett, he's a millionaire
Now, everyone said Californie
Is the place that you oughta be
We got to load up this here truck now
We got to move to Beverly
Hills, that is
Swimming pools
Move-a-move-a-movie stars
Huh
Look at that, look at that
Beverly, Beverly, Beverly Hillbillies
Y'all come back now, hear?

They showed up on my doorstep just a couple weeks ago
They looked so sweet and harmless
Tell me, how was I to know
They got a little too close to the microwave and then much to my surprise
They grew to forty thousand times their original size
They started mutatin' right before my eyes
Oh my
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
A race from a distant place
They came in UFOs shaped just like cuban cigars
Man oh man, you oughta hear 'em squeal
Now the whole wide world is their exercise wheel
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
The president, he's in a panic
The pentagon, they're in shock
There's a team of research scientists
They got 'em workin' 'round the clock
Now the National Guard is out in my back yard
And the Marines'll be comin' around
I hope they get these lousy rodents out of my town
'Cause the property values are goin' way down now
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
They're back and they're lookin' for a snack
And they're not that fond of Burger Kings or salad bars
I hope they're not plannin' to stay
Who invited them here anyway
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
Well, well, look at that hamster, he's as big as a blimp
And there's one the size of central park
They're using telephone pole to pick their teeth
They're evil and nasty and they glow in the dark
Oh, don't waste any more of your bullets, boys
You know it just makes 'em mad when you shoot
They're gonna stomp us into jelly and conquer the world
But you gotta admit, they're really kinda cute, now
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
What a racquet they're makin', Jack
They keep me up at night playin' they're electric guitars
Listen to 'em squeal
They think the whole stinkin' world is their exercise wheel
Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars
Hey Jack, you better watch your back
Here come those hamsters from a planet near mars
Well, well, it's called the
Attack of the radioactive hamsters From a planet near Mars
A planet near Mars

Met this fine young thing
At the local Circle K
We made a date for a half past eight
And I said, "What the hey?"
So I journeyed to her crib
And I let myself inside
That chick was slouched down on the couch
I think her brain was fried
Couldn't figure it out
She wouldn't even look at me
Then I saw her eyes, she was hypnotized
Cold glued to her TV
"Hey, what's your problem baby doll
Let's have a little fling"
She said, "Hey you fool, now just be cool
I'm watchin' that Gilligan's Isle thing"
Isle thing
Isle thing, isle thing, isle thing
Watchin' all night
Musta, been a marathon
I was bummin', those shows kept comin'
Here's what was goin' on
These castaways were stranded
On this island out at sea
One of them called Gilligan
So let's name him after m
He'd mess up every rescue
Man, that first mate was illin'
If I was one of those castaways
I think I'd probably kill 'I'm
Just about that time
Telephone began to ring
She said, "Just let it, my machine'll get
We're watchin' the Gilligan's Isle thing
Isle thing
She loves that Gilligan's Isle thing
Isle thing, isle thing, isle thing
Please, baby, baby, please
I like the professor
He always saves their butts
He could build a nuclear reactor
From a couple of coconuts
She said, "That guy's a genius"
I shook my head and laughed
I said, "If he's so fly, they tell me why
He couldn't build a lousy raft"
And while we're on the subject
I'll tell you one thing for sure
Those homeboys brought an awful lot
For just a three hour tour
Then her mom came in the room
It was kind of embarrassing
She said, "Hey you two, I was once like you
And I loved that Gilligan's Isle thing"
Isle thing
She'd watch that Gilligan's Isle thing
Please, baby, baby, please
Skipper's in a hammock
He's looking kinda fat
He'd throw a fit and then he'd hit
Old Gilligan with his hat
Mrs. Hal had it goin' on
But Mr. Hal was meaner
Ginger and Mary Anne could've used
Some funky cold medina (?)
I was really diggin' this show
I didn't know what to do
It kinda looked like I was hooked
Now I'm an addict too
I know each episode by heart
Now I'm the rerun king
And on every date we both stay up late
And we watch the Gilligan's Isle thing
Isle thing
Hasta la vista, little buddy
Gilligan's Isle thing, isle thing, isle thing

Put down your remote control
Throw out your TV Guide
Put away your jacket
There's no need to go outside
Don't you know that we control the horizontal
We control the vertical, too
We gonna make a couch potato out of you
That's what we gonna do now
Don't change the channel
Don't touch that dial
We got it all on UHF
Kick off your sneakers
Stick around for a while
We got it all on UHF
Don't worry 'bout your laundry
Forget about your job
Just crank up the volume
And yank off the knob
We got it all, we got it all, we got it all on UHF
Disconnect the phone and leave the dishes in the sink
You better put away your homework
Prime time ain't no time to think
All you do is make yourself a TV dinner
Press your face right up against the screen
We gonna show you thangs you ain't ever seen
If you know what I mean, now
Don't change the channel
Don't touch that dial
We got it all on UHF
Kick off your sneakers
Stick around for a while
We got it all on UHF
Don't worry 'bout your laundry
Forget about your job
Just crank up the volume
And yank off the knob
We got it all, we got it all, we got it all on UHF
You can watch us all day
You can watch us all night
You can watch us any time that you please
You can sit around and stare at the picture tube
'Till your brain turns into cottage cheese
Well, now

Where'd you learn how to steer
You do eighty in second gear
When you drive, I can't relax
Got your license from Cracker Jacks
You just hit another tree
These fender benders are killin' me
She drives like crazy
Like no one else
She drives like crazy
And I'm afraid for myself
They'll put you behind bars
We're not playin' bumper cars
Did a great figure eight
In the middle of the interstate
Tires squeal wherever we go
Even hitchhikers just say no
She drives like crazy
Her car's a mess
She drives like crazy
She's got a death wish I guess
She's a demon
Behind the wheel
Thinks she's drivin'
The Batmobile
Burnin' rubber in school zones
Runnin' over traffic cones
Passin' "semi-"s on the right
Now my knuckles are turnin' white

I woke up this morning
Then I went back to bed
Said I woke up this morning
Then I went right back to bed
Got a funny kind of feelin' like I got broken glass in my underwear
And a herd of wild pigs is trying to chew off my head
You know what I'm sayin'
Well I ain't got not money
I'm just walkin' down the road
Said I ain't got no money, honey
So I'm just walking down this lonely old road
Well, I wish I could get me some money
But I forgot my automated teller code
I was born in a paper sack in the bottom of a sewer
I had to eat dirt clods for breakfast, my family was so poor
My daddy was a waitress, my mama sold bathroom tiles
My brothers and sisters all hated me 'cause I was an only child
I got the blues so bad, woo
Kinda wish I was dead
Maybe I'll blow my brains out mama
Or maybe I'll, yeah maybe I'll just go bowlin' instead
I'm just a no good, scum sucking, nose picking, boot licking,
Sniveling, groveling, worthless hunk of slime
Nothing but a low-down beer bellied, bone headed, pigeon toed,
Turkey necked, weasel faced, worthless hunk of slime
Guess I pretty low self image
Maybe it's a chemical imbalance or something, I
I should probably go and see a doctor about it when I've got the time
Make it talk
Aw, make it talk, son, make it talk
OK, now make it shut up
Plagues and famine and pestilence always seem to get me down
I always feel so miserable whenever I'm around
I wish somebody would come along, stick a pitchfork through my brain
I'd flush myself right down the toilet, but I'd just clog up the drain
I got the blues so bad
Kinda wish I was dead
Maybe I'll blow my brains out mama
Or maybe I'll go bowling
Or I just might go bowling
Maybe I'll just rent some shoes and go bowling
Maybe I'll join a league, enter a tournament, put on a stupid looking
Shirt and go bowling instead
Yeah

Spam in the place where I live (Ham and Pork)
Think about nutrition, wonder what's inside it
Spam in my lunchbox at work (it's the best)
Really makes a darned good sandwich anyway you slice it at all
If you're running low, go to the store.
Carry some money to help you buy more
The tab is going to open the can
The can is there to hold in the Spam
Spam on the table at home (ham and pork)
Think about selection; are there different flavors?
Spam in my office at work (it's the best)
Think about the stuff it's made from- wonder if it's mystery meat
If you need a spoon, keep one around
Carry a thermos to help wash it down
Now if there's some left, don't just throw it out
Use it for spackle or bathroom grout
Spam in my pantry at home (have some more)
Think of expiration- better read the label
Spam- breakfast, dinner, or lunch (it's the best)
Think about the way it's pre-cooked- wonder if I'll just eat it cold
Now once you start in you can't put it down
Don't leave it sitting, or it'll turn brown
The key is going to open the tin
The tin is there to keep the Spam in
Oh, Spam (Spam!)
Ham and pork
Think about nutrition- wonder what's inside it
Spam (spam!)
It's the best
Really makes a darned good sandwich any way you slice it
Spam in the place where I live (have some more)
Think about addiction, wonder if I'm a junkie (let's eat!)
Spam in the place where I work (you're obsessed)
Think about the way is processed- wonder if it's some kind of meat
Spam in the back of my car
Spam anyplace that you are
Spam in the back of my car
Spam anyplace that you are
Oh, Spam!

Well, I had two weeks of vacation time coming
After working all year down at Big Roy's Heating And Plumbing
So one night when my family the I were gathered 'round the dinner table
I said, "Kids, if you could go anywhere in this great big world, now
Where'd you like to go ta"
They said, "Dad, we want to see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota"
They picked the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
So the very next day we loaded up the car
With potato skins and pickled wieners,
Crossword puzzles, Spider-Man comics, and mama's home made rhubarb pie
Pulled out of the driveway and the neighbors, they all waved good-bye
And so began our three day journey
We picked up a guy holding a sign that said "twine ball or bust"
He smelled real bad and he said his name was Bernie
I put in a Slim Whitman tape, my wife put on a brand new hair net
Kids were in the back seat jumping up and down,
Yelling "Are we there yet?"
And all of us were joined together in one common thought
As we rolled down the long and winding interstate in our '53 DeSoto
We're gonna see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
We're headin' for the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
Oh, we couldn't wait to get there
So we drove straight through for three whole days and nights
Of course, we stopped for more pickled wieners now and then
The scenery was just so pretty, boy I wish the kids could of seen it
But you can't see out of the side of the car
Because the windows are completely covered
With the decals of all the place where we've already been
There's Elvis-O-Rama, the Tupperware Museum,
The Boll Weevil Monument, and Cranberry World,
The Shuffleboard Hall Of Fame, Poodle Dog Rock,
And The Mecca of Albino Squirrels
We've been to ghost towns, theme parks, wax museums,
And a place where you can drive through the middle of a tree
We've seen alligator farms and tarantula ranches,
But there's still one thing we gotta see
Well, we crossed the state line about 6:39
And we saw a sign that said "Twine Ball exit - 50 miles"
Oh, the kids were so happy the started singing
"99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall" for the 27th time that day
So, we pulled off the road at the last chance gas station
Got a few more pickled wieners and a diet chocolate soda
On our way to see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
We're gonna see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
Finally, at 7:37 early Wednesday evening as the sun was setting
In the Minnesota sky
Out in the distance, on the horizon, it appeared to me like a vision
Before my unbelieving eye
I parked the car and walked with awe-filled reverence towards that
Glorious huge majestic sphere
I was just so overwhelmed by its sheer immensity,
I had to pop myself a beer
Yes, on these hallowed grounds, open ten to eight on weekdays,
In a little shrine under a make-shift pagoda,
There sits the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
I tell you, it's the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
Oh, what on earth would make a man decide to do that kind of thing?
Oh, windin' up twenty-one thousand, one hundred forty pounds of string
What was he trying to prove, who was he trying to impress
Why did he build it, how did he do, it was anybody's guess
Where did he get the twine, what was goin' through his mind
Did it just seem like a good idea at the time
Well, we walked up beside it and I warned the kids
"Now, you better not touch it, those ropes are there for a reason"
I said, "Maybe if you're good, I'll tie it to the back of our car
And we can take it home", but I was only teasin'
Then we went to the gift shop and stood in line
Bought a souvenir miniature ball of twine, some window decals,
And anything else they'd sell us
And we bought a couple post cards, "Greetings from the twine ball,
Wish you were here"
Won't the folks back home be jealous
I gave our camera to Bernie and we stood by the ball and we all gathered
'round and said, "Cheese"
The Bernie ran away with my brand new Insti-Matic,
But at least we got our memories
Then we all just stared at the ball for a while and my eyes got moist,
But I said with a smile, "Kids, this here's what America's all about"
Then I started feelin' kinda gooey inside and I fell on my knees
And I cried and cried
And that's when those security guards threw us out
You know, I bet if we unraveled that sucker,
It'd roll all the way down to Fargo, North Dakota
'Cause it's the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
I'm talkin' 'bout the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
Well, we stayed that night at the Twine Ball Inn
In the morning we were on our way home again
But we really didn't want to leave, that was perfectly clear
I said, "Folks, I can tell you're all sad to go"
Then I winked my eye and I said, "You know, I got a funny kind of feelin'
We'll be comin' back again next year"
'Cause I've been all around this great big world
And I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather go to
Than the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
I said the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
Minnesota 

What is this song all about?
Can't figure any lyrics out
How do the words to it go?
I wish you'd tell me, I don't know
Don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no
Dnn't know, don't know, don't know
Now I'm mumblin' and I'm screamin'
And I don't know what I'm singin'
Crank the volume, ears are bleedin'
I still don't know what I'm singin'
We're so loud and incoherent
Boy this oughtta bug your parents
Yeah
It's un-in-tel-ligible
I just can't get it through my skull
It's hard to bargle nawdle zouss(?)
With all these marbles in my mouth
Don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no
Don't know, don't know, don't know...
Well we don't sound like Madonna
Here we are now, we're Nirvana
Sing distinctly? We don't wanna
Buy our album, we're Nirvana
A garage band from Seattle
Well, it sure beats raising cattle
Yeah
And I forgot the next verse
Oh well, I guess it pays to rehearse
The lyric sheet's so hard to find
What are the words? Oh, nevermind
Don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no
Don't know, don't know don't know...
Well, I'm yellin' and we're playin'
But I don't know what I'm sayin'
What's the message I'm conveyin'?
Can you tell me what I'm sayin'?
So have you got some idea?
Didn't think so, well, I'll see ya!
Sayonara, sayonara
Ayonawa, adinawa
Odinaya, yodinaya
Yaddayadda, yaaahyaaah
Ayaaaaah!

Got an AK-47, well you know it makes me feel alright
Got an Uzi by my pillow, helps me sleep a little better at night
There's no feeling any greater
Than to shoot first and ask questions later
Now I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day
Well, you can't take my guns away, I got a constitutional right
Yeah, I gotta be ready if the Commies attack us tonight
I'll blow their brains out with my Smith and Wesson
That ought to teach them all a darn good lesson
Now I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day
trigger, trigger happy
Yes I'm trigger, trigger happy
(Oh baby, I'm) trigger, trigger happy
Yes I'm trigger, trigger happy
(Oh I'm so) trigger, trigger happy
Yes I'm trigger, trigger happy
Better watch out, punk, or I'm gonna have to blow you away
Oh, I accidently shot daddy last night in the den
I mistook him in the dark for a drug-crazed Nazi again
Now why'd you have to get so mad?
It was just a lousy flesh wound, Dad
You know, I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day
Oh, I still haven't figured out the safety on my rifle yet
Little Fluffy took a round, better take him to the vet
I filled that kitty cat so full of lead
We'll have to use him for a pencil instead
Well, I'm so trigger happy, trigger happy every day
trigger, trigger happy
Yes I'm trigger, trigger happy
(Oh baby, I'm) trigger, trigger happy
Yes I'm trigger, trigger happy
(Oh I'm so) trigger, trigger happy
Yes I'm trigger, trigger happy
Better watch out, punk, or I'm gonna have to blow you away
Come on and grab your ammo
What have you got to lose?
We'll get all liquored up
And shoot at anything that moves
Got a brand new semi-automatic weapon with a laser sight
Oh, I'm prayin' somebody tries to break in here tonight
I always keep a Magnum in my trunk
You better ask yourself, do you feel lucky, punk?
Because I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day

I can't watch this
My, my, my (I can't watch this)
My TV makes me so bored
Makes me say "oh, my Lord"
What is this garbage here?
Wanna cover my eyes and plug my ears
It sucks, and that's no lie
It's about as much fun as watching paint dry
Lowers my IQ one notch
And that's the reason why, uh, I can't watch
I told you homeboy... I can't watch this
Yeah, nothing but trash and you know... I can't watch this
Poke out my eyes, man... I can't watch this
Yo, gimme that remote control... I can't watch this
Talkin' 'bout sick shows
There's America's Funniest Home Videos
I can't believe my eyes
When I see the kind of stuff that wins first prize
Somebody's poor old mom falls down off the roof
Lands right on the lawn
Face first on a rake
I hear they've got it on the seventeenth take
That's funny as a kick in the crotch
And that kind of show, uh, I can't watch
Yo, I told you... I can't watch this
Change the channel now, man... I can't watch this
Yo, pass the TV Guide here, sucker... I can't watch this
Cosby Show and Roseanne
Think I've taken 'bout as much as I can
Judge Wapner, oh my
You gotta be Rain Man to like this guy
Thirtysomething is alright
If you like hearing yuppies whining all night
Can't stand Twin Peaks
Wish they'd lynch those doughnut-eatin' freaks
Those Siskel & Ebert bums
Oughta go home and sit on their thumbs
That's word because you know... I can't watch this
I can't watch this
Break it down!
Here's how to order...
Money back guarantee...
Removes tough stains fast...
It tastes more like fresh peanuts...
They keep going and going...
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful...
Could be dandruff...
Our prices are insane!
Stop, prime-time
I'm pretty sure I'll be sick
If I have to watch another stupid pet trick
Or that guy with the real flat hair
That goes "woof-woof-woof" and waves his fist in the air
Or those weird talk shows
About transsexual Nazi Eskimos
They're rude, crude and vile
Just for a minute let's flip down the dial
Flip, flip, flip... yech, I can't watch this
Look man... I can't watch this
I can't take this torture no more, I can't...
I can't watch this
Pay the bills, station break
Break it down!
Operators are standing by...
Cubic zirconium necklaces...
You're soaking in it...
And our fabulous swimsuit issue...
When you've got a headache this big...
Read the book...
This is your brain on drugs...
I've fallen and I can't get up!
Stop, Cable Time
HBO and Playboy, Showtime and MTV
I might like 'em more after my lobotomy
Now why did I ever pay for this junk?
I hooked up eighty channels and each one stunk
Just brainless blood and guts, and mindless T&A
It's awful, it's putrid, it's crummy, it's stupid, gonna throw my set away

When I said that I'd be faithful
When I promised I'd be true
When I swore that I could never
Be with anyone but you
When I told you that I loved you
With those tender words I spoke
I was only kidding
Now, can't you take a joke?
When I said that I need you, baby
When I told you that I really care
When I said that I can't live without you
When I said I'd follow you anywhere
When I said you could always trust me
When I said I'd never leave you flat
Well, guess what I was only kidding, baby
I can't believe you fell for that, you're so gullible
I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) you thought that was for real?
I was only kidding
Now I'm sorry if you misunderstood, but the fact remains
I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) baby, baby, I was
I was only kidding
Well, I guess I got you pretty good, now listen
When I said that I love you, baby
From the very bottom of my heart
When I said that I miss you so badly
Every second we're apart
When I swore that you're just getting more and more
Beautiful every day
Well, I was only kidding, honey
What's the matter with you anyway
Let me tell you something
I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) you understand, don't ya?
I was only kidding
Well, I guess it probably hurts you a lot, but you gotta know
I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) come on now, get a clue
I was only kidding
I really love you, not!
When I said you oughta marry me
When I said that we should settle down
Well, I was pullin' your leg there, honey
I was just foolin' around
You see, I, I never meant to upset you, darlin'
I never meant to hurt anyone
I was only kidding, baby
Why don't you just put down that gun?
Let's talk this over
I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) watch where you're pointing that thing
(I was only kidding)
Hey, I'm sorry if your heart is broke, you gotta realize
I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) Aw, yeah
I was only kidding
Now, honey, can't you take a joke?

The first one was a sweet one
Second one was a blast
Soon I finished off the bag, ate 'em up real fast
You can see 'em in my teeth
Tell it when I talk
Had so many my pancreas just went into shock
I love the white stuff, baby
In the middle of an Oreo
I love the white stuff, baby
It's the most delicious thing I know
I've had a zillion or two
In my life, they're so right
My teeth are all rotted clear through
But who cares? What else am I supposed to do?
Oh Oreo
The white stuff
Oh Oreo
What's in the middle? The white stuff
The first time that I tried it
Got a big sugar buzz
Nothing gets me high as that sandwich cookie does
But I love the filling most
I rub it on my roast
Mix it in with my coffee and spread it on my toast
I love the white stuff, baby
In the middle of an Oreo
I love the white stuff, baby
Take some with me everywhere I go
Might get a pimple or two
Well, so what? It's all right
Now Twinkies and Ding Dongs won't do
All I need... You know what it is
Oh Oreo, the white stuff 
Oh Oreo
What's in the middle? The white stuff

Let me tell you, sonny, let me set you straight
You kids today ain't never had it rough
Always had everything handed to you on a silver plate
You lazy brats think nothing's good enough
Well, nobody ever drove me to school when it was ninety degrees below
We had to walk buck naked through forty miles of snow
Worked in the coal mine twenty two hours a day for just half a cent
Had to sell my internal organs just to pay the rent
When I was your age
Let me tell you something, you whiny little snot
There's something wrong with all you kids today
You just don't appreciate all the things you've got
We were hungry, broke and miserable and we liked it fine that way
There were seventy three of us living in a cardboard box
All I got for Christmas was a lousy bag of rocks
Every night for dinner, we had a big ol' chunk of dirt
If we were really good, we didn't get dessert
When I was your age
I didn't have no telephone, didn't have no FAX machine
All we had was a couple cans and a crummy piece of string
Didn't have no swimming pool when I was just a lad
Our neighbor's septic tank was the closest thing we had
Didn't have no dental floss, had to use old rusty nails
Didn't have Nintendo, we just poured salt on snails
Didn't have no water bed, had to sleep on broken glass
Didn't have no lawnmower, we used our teeth to cut the grass
What's the matter now, sonny, you say you don't believe this junk?
You think my story's wearin' kinda thin?
I tell you one thing, I never was such a disrespectful punk
Back in my time, we had a thing called discipline
Dad would whoop us every night 'til a quarter after twelve
Then he'd get too tired and he'd make us whoop ourselves
Then he'd chop me into pieces and play frisbee with my brain
And let me tell ya, Junior, you never heard me complain

Taco...grande Taco...grande
Yo quero chimichangas y chile colorado
Yo tengo el dinero para un steak picado
Las flautas y tamale, siempre muy bueno
Y el chile relleno
You see, I just gotta have a tostada, carne asada
That's right, I want the whole enchilada
My only addiction has to do with flour tortilla
I need a quesadilla
I love to stuff my face with tacos al carbon
With my friends or when I'm all alone
Yo tengo mucho hambre y ahora lo quiero
Un burrito ranchero
So give me something spicy and hot now
Break out the menu, what you go, now?
Oh, would you tell the waiter I'd like to have
Sour cream on the side
You better make sure the beans are refried
Taco...grande Taco...grande
Well there's not a taco big enough for a man like me
That's why I order two or three
Let me give you a tip, just try a nacho chip
It's really good with bean dip
I eat uno, dos, tres, quatro burritos
Pretty soon I can't fit in my Speedos
Well, I hope they feed us lots of chicken fajitas
And a pitcher of margaritas
Well the combination plates al come with beans and rice
The taquitos here are very nice
Now I'm down on my knees, we need some extra
Tomatoes and cheese
And could you make that separate checks, please?
Taco...grande Taco...grande
Well the food is coming I can hardly wait
Now watch your fingers, careful hot plate!
What you think you're doing with my chili con queso?
Well, if you want some, just say so
Oh boy, pico de gallo
They sure don't make it like this in Ohio
No gracias, yo quiero jalapenos, nada mas
You can toss away the hot sauce
Donde estan los nachos? Holy frijole!
You better get me a bowl of guacamole
Y usted, Eugene? Wh's your face turning green?
Don't you like pinto beans?
You want some more cinnamon crispas?
If you don't, hasta la vista
Just take the rest home in a doggie bag if you wanna
You can finish it manana
Well, it's been a pleasure, I can't eat no more
Senor, la cuenta, por favor
If you ain't ever tried real Mexican cooking, well, you
Oughtta
Just don't drink the water

Met this pretty young stewardess on a non-stop flight
She showed me to my seat and it was love at first sight
Now lately I've been flying to all kinds of places
That I never really wanted to go
'Cause I'll do anything just to spend a little time
With the sutest flight attendant I know
You set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, Airline Amy
Tell me I'm your favorite frequent flyer, Airline Amy
Found a little piece of heaven on a 747
And no one else can take me higher than Airline Amy
Every one of our dates is at thirty thousand feet
She always points out the exits to me, she's so sweet
You know she gets me my headphones for free
Refills my coffee cup whenevr I ask
And you gotta admit my baby looks pretty hot
When she's wearin' that oxygen mask
Well well, you set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, Airline Amy
Tell me I'm your favorite frequent flyer, Airline Amy
Found a little piece of heaven on a 747
And no one else can take me higher than Airline Amy
Amy, darlin', don't you know you really drive me nuts
Every time you're handing out those honey roasted peanuts
Airline Amy, this is my new mission
Gotta get you in an upright locked position

Baby, I sure wish I could lend you a hand
But plumbing's one thing I don't understand
It's true (Haven't got a clue)
be be be baby, I can tell you've got a big problem
When I flush the john, then your shower goes on
(Baby) Now watcha gonna do?
If Drano's a joke and your plunger is broke
Baby, call the mensch with a monkey wrench
(Baby) He'll be there for you
Shower's backing up (up, up)?
Water won't go down (down, down)?
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Don't forget my plumber
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Sink's been stopped up all summer
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Better call the plumber
He'll know what to do
Pipes been blowing up
Pipes been breaking down
And the carpet's soaked... right through
Ba-ba ba ba ba, ba-ba ba ba ba ba
Ba-ba ba ba ba, kitchen's flooded, too
Ba-ba ba ba ba, ba-ba ba ba ba ba
Ba-ba ba ba ba, girl, you know it's true
be be be betcha this guy makes more than my lawyer
If he works for one day, costs you half a year's pay
(Baby) He can be here by 2:00
So if you've got cash, he'll be there in a flash
Makin' service calls in his overalls
(Baby) He'll do his best for you
Sewer's backing up (up, up)?
Got you feelin' down (down, down)?
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Don't forget my plumber
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Leaky pipes are a bummer
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Time to call the plumber
Maybe call a few
Got a problem with plumbing?
Gotta blame it on something
Blame it on the drain it was cloggin', cloggin'
Blame it on the faucet that drips all night
If hairballs, grease and goo
Won't let the water through
Blame it on the drain, yeah, yeah
When I flush the john, now when I flush the john
It turns your shower on
(Roto-Rooter 6-5000)
Ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Better call my plumber
He'll know what to do

We've been together for so very long
But now things are changing, oh I wonder what's wrong?
Seems you don't want me around
The passion is gone and the flame's died down
I guess I lost a little bit of self-esteem
That time that you made it with the whole hockey team
You used to think I was nice
Now you tell all your friends that I'm the Antichrist
Oh, why did you disconnect the brakes in my car?
That kind of thing is hard to ignore
Got a funny feeling you don't love me anymore
I knew that we were having problems when
You put those piranhas in my bathtub again
You're still the light of my life
Oh darling, I'm beggin', won't you put down that knife?
You know, I even think it's kinda cute the way
You poison my coffee just a little each day
I still remember the way that you laughed
When you pushed me down that elevator shaft
Oh, if you don't mind me asking, what's this poisonous cobra
Doing in my underwear drawer?
Sometime I get to thinking you don't love me any more
You slammed my face down on the barbecue grill
Now my scars are all healing, but my heart never will
You set my house on fire
You pulled out my chest hairs with an old pair of pliers
Oh, you think that I'm ugly and you say that I'm cheap
You shaved off my eyebrows while I was asleep
You drilled a hole in my head
Then you dumped me in a drainage ditch and left me for dead
Oh, you know this really isn't like you at all
You never acted this way before
Honey, something tells me you don't love me any more, oh no no
Got a funny feeling you don't love me anymore

I recall the time they found those fossilized mosquitoes
And before long, they were cloning DNA
Now I'm being chased by some irate veloceraptors
Well, believe me, this has been one lousy day
Jurassic Park is frightning in the dark
All the dinosaurs are running wild
Someone shut the fence off in the rain
I admit it's kinda eerie
But this proves my chaos theory
And I don't think I'll be coming back again
On no
I cannot approve of this attraction
'Cause getting disemboweled always makes me kinda mad
A huge tyrannosaurus ate our lawyer
Well, I suppose that proves, they're really not all bad
Jurassic Park is frightening in the dark
All the dinosaurs are running wild
Someone let T. Rex out of his pen
I'm afraid those things'll harm me
'Cause they sure don't act like Barney
And they think that I'm their dinner, not their friend
Oh no
Jurassic Park is frightening in the dark
All the dinosaurs are running wild
What a crummy weekend this has been
Well, this sure ain't no E-ticket
Think I'll tell them where to stick it
'Cause I'm never coming back this way again
Oh no, oh no

We're dangerous dudes, we got bad attitudes
Most of our brain cells are gone
We were born to be bad, you better not get us mad
Or we just might toilet paper your lawn
We got a reputation 'round these parts
We only leave a 10% tip
Sometimes we don't return our shopping carts
Stay out of our way and don't you give us no lip

'Cause we're young, dumb and ugly
That's what we are
We're so young--young, dumb and ugly

We wear black leather in the hottest weather
You can't imagine the smell
We got three-day stubble, our name spells trouble
T-R-U-B-E-L
Raisin' hell, bendin' the rules just a little
We're living only for thrills
We squeeze our toothpaste tubes from the middle
And wait until the last minute to pay our telephone bills

'Cause we're young, dumb and ugly
You better believe it
We're young--young, dumb and ugly
I'll tell you again
We're so young, we're so young, dumb and ugly
We're comin' to your town, yeah
We're young--young, dumb and ugly

We're wild, reckless men, we're on a rampage again
We drive with just one hand on the wheel
Danger's in our soul, we goin' out of control
Swimmin' right after a big heavy meal
We're there whenever trouble's startin'
We're rebels without a clue
We drink milk right from the carton
And keep our library books till they're way overdue

'Cause we're young, dumb and ugly
That's what we are
We're so young--young, dumb and ugly
You can't stop us
We're young, we're so young, dumb and ugly
Young, dumb, and ugly
We're young, we're young, dumb and ugly
So ugly
Young! Dumb! And ugly!

Sometimes I feel
Like I need a vacation
Sometimes I feel
Like I want to go
To the city of cavemen
The city of Bedrock
I'd be a Flinstone
Now I'll tell you why
Well, I've got I've got a woman named Wilma
Well, I've got I've got a baby named Pebbles
Well, I've got I've got a doggy named Dino
We do a little bowling and we drink a little vino
Well, I've got a little buddy, Barney Rubble
Got a neighbor by the name of Barney Rubble
He's a midget but he makes a lot of trouble
Doesn't like to shave, he got caveman stubble
Me and Barney, Loyal Order Water Buffalo
Lodge brothers, Loyal Order Water Buffalo
There's a handshake everybody gotta know
How come grand Poo-Bah always gotta run the whole show?
Yabba dabba, yabba dabba dabba do now
Yabba dabba, yabba dabba dabba do now
Yabba dabba, yabba dabba dabba do now
I get by on all my prehistoric knowhow
Betty and Barney got a baby named Bamm-Bamm
Little Pebbles is his number one fan
He's the strongest toddler in the whole land
Tear your arm off if he shakes your hand
Got a car, gonna push it with my feel now
Gonna take my family out to eat now
Jumbo ribs at the drive-in can't be beat now
Made from brontosaurus, baby, not a moo-cow
Want to chill with a Sabretooth Tiger
Wear a loincloth, natural fiber
Be the first Rolling Stone subscriber
Got a pterodactyl for a windshield wiper
Yabba dabba, yabba dabba dabba do now
Yabba dabba, yabba dabba dabba do now
Yabba dabba, yabba dabba dabba do now
Don't know what it means but I say it anyhow
Luck me, workin' down in the gravel put
Movin' rocks, on a big dinosaur I sit
Mr. Slate gets mad and he throws a fit
Pull the birdie's tail, everybody knows it's time to quit
I realize I'm living in the Stone Age
No fax, no cellular phone-Age
Pick my teeth with a dinosaur bone-Age
Liftin' heavy boulders every day for my wage
Barney Rubble, laughin' like a hyena
Barney Rubble, what a little weiner
Where's Wilma? Anybody seen her?
Got a baby elephant vacuum cleaner

Risin' above the city, blocking out the noonday sun
It dwarfs the mighty redwoods and it towers over everyone
I still remember when that delivery truck came down our block
What a lucky guy, I hear he got the last one in stock
And the neighbors are just green
They say, "That's the biggest screen we've ever seen!"
It's Frank's 2000 inch TV (Frank's 2000 inch TV)
Everybody come and see (Frank's 2000 inch TV)
Frank's 2000 inch TV (Frank's 2000" TV)
That's Frank's remote control, you can look, but don't touch it, please
'Cause Frank's the one in charge and he decides what everybody sees
The picture's crystal clear and everything is magnified
Robert DeNiro's mole has got to be ten feet wide
Everybody in the town
Can hear those 90, 000 watts of Dolby sound
And I'm mighty proud to say (And I'm mighty proud to say)
Now I can watch "The Simpsons" from thirty blocks away
On Frank's 2000 inch TV (Frank's 2000 inch TV)
Everybody come and see (Frank's 2000 inch TV)
Frank's 2000 inch TV (Frank's 2000 inch TV)
Everybody come and see (Frank's 2000 inch TV)
I'm gonna get one of my own real soon
It's like having a drive-in movie in your own living room
Whoa, hey now, hey now na na na now
Hey now, hey now na na now

You can torture me
With Donnie & Marie
You can play some Barry Manilow
Or you can play some schlock
Like New Kids On The Block
Or any Village People song you know
Or play Vanilla Ice
Hey, you can play him twice
And you can play the Bee Gees any day
But Mr. DJ, please
I'm beggin' on my knees
I just can't take no more of Billy Ray
Don't play that song
That "Achy Breaky" song
The most annoying song I know
And if you play that song
That "Achy Breaky" song
I might blow up my radio, oh
You can clear the room
By playing Debbie Boon
Or crank your Abba records until dawn
Oh, I can even hear
Slim Whitman or Zamfir
Don't mind a Yoko Ono marathon
Or play some Tiffany
On eight-track or CD
Or scrape your fingernails across the board
Or tie me to a chair
And kick me down the stairs
Just please don't play that stupid song no more
Don't play that song
That "Achy Breaky" song
You know I hate that song a bunch
And if you play that song
That nauseating song
It might just make me lose my lunch, oh
Don't play that song
That "Achy Breaky" song
I think it's driving me insane
Oh, please don't play that song
That irritating song
I'd rather have a pitchfork in my brain
Don't play that song
That "Achy Breaky" song
The most annoying song I know
And if you play that song
That "Achy Breaky" song
I might blow up my radio, oh

Carbon Monoxide
Making me choke
No A.C.
And the radio's broke
Cars backed up
Far as you can see
Seems like I've been waiting here for all eternity
Oh, and just in case you're wondering
I'll tell you where I am
I'm right here (right here) right here (right here)
Stuck right here in the middle of this...
Traffic Jam
I haven't moved one inch from this here spot
Traffic Jam
The freeway's one big parking lot
Traffic Jam
My radiator's boiling hot
And I'm stuck right here in the middle (right here in the middle)
Right here in the middle of a traffic jam
Trapped inside
My automobile
Cobwebs growin'
On the steering wheel
Now, I'm no genius
But one thing I know
I shouldn't have eaten that bag
Of bran muffins
An hour and a half ago
Yeah, and if you need to find me
I'll tell you where I am
I'm right here (right here) right here (right here)
Stuck smack dab in the middle of this...
Traffic Jam
I have'nt moved one inch from his here spot
Traffic Jam
The freeway's one big parking lot
Traffic Jam
Well I thought we were movin' but I guess we're not
'Cause I'm stuck right here in the middle (right here in the
Middle)
Right here in the middle of the Traffic Jam
Stuck in the middle of a traffic jam
Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah
Bumper to bumper to bumper to bumper to
Bumper to bumper to bumper to bumper to
Bumper to bumper to bumper to bumper...
Yay-hey!
There's a yuppie on a cellular phone
I'm gonna puke if I hear any more
There's a motorcycle zoomin' by me
Watch what happens when I open my door
Now we're all goin' nowhere fast
Well, I guess that's perfectly clear
I left home five hours ago
And I can still see my house from here
So if anybody's tryin' to find me
Well, I'll tel you where I am
Right here (right here) right here (right here)
Stuck right here in the middle of this...
Traffic Jam
I haven't moved one inch from this here spot
Traffic Jam
The freeway's one big parking lot
Traffic Jam
Now my back teeth are floatin' and my nerves are shot
And I'm stuck right here in the middle (right here in the middle)
Stuck right here in the middle of a traffic jam
Traffic jam, traffic jam, traffic jam---woo!

I dated Siamese Twins, I slept with Bigfoot, too
Get me on Sally Jesse, put me on Donahue
'Cause I wanna tell the world about it
Right now
My dog's a narcoleptic, my mom's a circus freak
I gotta get a spot on Geraldo's show this week
'Cause I wanna tell the world about it
Right now
I'm just an anorexic, codependent, bingo, addict
Stripper born without a chin
And I'm only comfortable talking about it
When the whole wide world is listening in
Talk soup
Talk soup
Listen to me (listen to me) listen to me (listen to me) listen to me
My wife ran off with Elvis, my boss shaved off my hair
I've got a thing for poodles and rubber underwear
I wanna tell the world about it
Right now
I had a close encounter, I never chew my food
I got 11 nose jobs, I yodel in the nude
And I wanna tell the world about it
Right now
I'm just a cross-dressin', alcoholic, neo-Nazi
Porno star, as you may have guessed
And I'm really gonna feel a whole lot better
If you let me get this thing off my chest
Talk soup
Talk soup
Listen to me (listen to me) listen to me (listen to me) listen to me
I'm just your average schizophrenic, nymphomaniac
Albino go-go dancer, you see
Nothin' so bad that I can't share it
With a billion friends on national TV, whoa
I have no genitalia, I sold my kids for cheese
I love my blow up doll, so bring out those cameras, please
'Cause I gotta tell the world about it
Right now

There's somethin' weird in the fridge today
I don't know what it is
Food I can't recognize
My roommate won't throw a thing away
I guess it's probably his
It looks like it's alive
And livin' in the fridge
Livin' in the fridge
Livin' in the fridge
Livin' in the fridge
There's somethin' gross in the fridge today
It's green and growin' hair
It's been there since July
If you can name the object
In that baggie over there
Then mister, you're a better man than I
It's livin' in the fridge
You can't stop the mold from growin'
Livin' in the fridge
Can't tell what it is at all
Livin' in the fridge
You can't stop the mold from growin'
Livin' in the fridge
Tell me, do you think it should be carbon-dated
Fumigated or cremated and buried at sea?
You try to save a little bit of your home cookin'
Couple weeks later, got a scary-lookin' specimen
It always happens, my friend
Again & again & again & again
Somethin' stinks in the fridge today
And it's been rottin' there all week
It could be liver cake or woolly mammoth steak
Well, maybe I should another peek

When we first met she seemed perfectly normal
I never dreamed she'd make my life so hard
You see, my baby, she started to change
Started lookin' kinda strange
Wearin' all that white makeup and those black leotards
Well, I guess she kept her little secret pretty well
Now, ever since I learned the horrible truth, you know my life has been a living hell
That's right, you see
She never told me she was a mime
She never told me she was a mime, oh no
Actin' like she's trapped inside a big glass box all the time
She never told me, she never told me she was a-
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-mime
I wish we both could just talk it all over
But my baby won't even make a sound
Now she makes everybody sick
Doin' that pantomime shtick
Even our old friends have stopped coming around
Well, my parents can't stand her and our neighbors hate her guts
She's really, really embarrassing me, this silent treatment's driving me nuts
You see
She never told me she was a mime
She never told me she was a mime, oh no
Now she's actin' like she's trapped inside a big glass box all the time what a crime
She never told me (she never told me) she never told me she was a mime
She walks against the wind everywhere we go
Stops at every corner, gotta put on a show
Carries 'round a picture of Marcel Marceau
Always was the quiet type, but how was I know to know?
She never told me she was a mime
She never told me she was a mime, oh no
Actin' like she's trapped inside a big glass box all the ti-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yime
She never told me, she never told me she was a mime

Oh, Harvey, Harvey
Harvey the wonder hamster
He doesn't bite and he doesn't squeal
He just runs around on his hamster wheel
Harvey, Harvey
Harvey the wonder hamster
Hey, Harvey!

It took a lifetime, but I finally found
The perfect waffle recipe
You'll never find a batter any better in this whole stinkin' town
One little bite and I'm sure that you'll agree
Your eyes roll back and your knees get weak
Aw, you're gonna lick your plate clean
People come from miles around just to study my technique
I make the best darn waffles this world has ever seen
I'm the Waffle King (Waffle King), yeah
Waffle King (Waffle King)
That's what they call me
Waffle King (Waffle King)
Hey, I'm the Waffle King
Everywhere I go, the people cheer
I never have to wait in line
People say, "Right this way, sir... Your money's no good here.'
Some day I betcha they'll build me a shrine
And everybody say, "Well, I'm your biggest fan!"
"I seen your picture in People Magazine!"
Folks come from around the world just to shake my hand
If you don't believe in the power of the waffle, lemme show you just what I mean
I'm the Waffle King (Waffle King)
Make you want to scream and shout
Waffle King (Waffle King)
That's my name, don't wear it out
Waffle King (Waffle King)
Make no mistake about it, I'm the Waffle King... yeah
Roll out the red carpet, 'cause here I come
All you peons better scram
Out of my way, you worthless piece of scum
Don't you know who I am?
Hey!
I wanna see you grovel, you waffle-eatin' fools
Everybody, on your knees
You wanna buy a waffle, you're playin' by my rules
Go on, beg me... lemme hear you say, "Pretty please"
Can't you tell the universe revolves around me?
Don't you know you suckers owe me everything?
And can't you see that I'm the highest form of life that there could ever be?
Everybody all around the world, stand up and sing
Come on know...
Waffle King
Hey, batter batter
Waffle King
Hot on your platter
Waffle King
Say, what's the matter
Don't you know who I am?
Don't you know who I am?

As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain
I take a look at my wife and realize she's very plain
But that's just perfect for an Amish like me
You know I shun fancy things like electricity
At 4:30 in the morning I'm milkin' cows
Jebediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows fool
And I've been milkin' and plowin' so long that
Even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone
I'm a man of the land, I'm into discipline
Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin
But if I finish all of my chores and you finish thine
Then tonight we're gonna party like it's 1699
We been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
I've churned butter once or twice
Living in an Amish paradise
It's hard work and sacrifice
Living in an Amish paradise
We sell quilts at a discount price
Living in an Amish paradise
A local boy kicked me in the butt last week
I just smiled at him and I turned the other cheek
I really don't care, in fact I wish him well
'Cause I'll be laughing my head off when he's burning in Hell
But I ain't never punched a tourist even if he deserved it
An Amish with a 'tude?
You know that's unheard of
I never wear buttons but I got a cool hat
And my homies agree
I really look good in black fool
If you come to visit, you'll be bored to tears
We haven't even paid the phone bill in 300 years
But we ain't really quaint, so please don't point and stare
We're just technologically impaired
There's no phone, no lights, no motorcar
Not a single luxury
Like Robinson Caruso
It's as primitive as can be
We been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish Paradise
We're just plain and simple guys
Living in an Amish Paradise
There's no time for sin and vice
Living in an Amish Paradise
We don't fight, we all play nice
Living in an Amish Paradise
Hitchin' up the buggy, churnin' lots of butter
Raised a barn on Monday, soon I'll raise anutter
Think you're really righteous?
Think you're pure in heart?
Well, I know I'm a million time as humble as thou art
I'm the pious guy the little Amlettes want to be like
On my knees day and night scorin' points for the afterlife
So don't be vain and don't be whiny
Or else, my brother, I might have to get medieval on your heinie
We been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish Paradise
We're all crazy Mennonites
Living in an Amish Paradise
There's no cops or traffic lights
Living in an Amish Paradise
But you'd probably think it bites
Living in an Amish Paradise

I was driving on the freeway in the fast lane
With a rabid wolverine in my underwear
When suddenly a guy behind me in the back seat
Popped right up and cupped his hands across my eyes
I guessed, "Is it Uncle Frank or Cousin Louie?"
"Is it Bob or Joe or Walter?"
"Could it be Bill or Jim or Ed or Bernie or Steve?"
I probably would have kept on guessing
But about that time we crashed into the truck
And as I'm laying bleeding there on the asphalt
Finally I recognize the face of my hibachi dealer
Who takes off his prosthetic lips and tells me
Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you thought was just so
Important doesn't matter
Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong
I was walkin' to the kitchen for some Golden Grahams
When I accidentally stepped into an alternate dimension
And soon I was abducted by some aliens from space
Who kinda looked like Jamie Farr
They sucked out my internal organs
And they took some polaroids
And said I was a darn good sport
And as a way of saying thank you
They offered to transport me back to
Any point in history that I would care to go
And so I had them send me back to last Thursday night
So I could pay my phone bill on time
Just then the floating disembodied head of
Colonel Sanders started yelling
Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you thought was just so
Important doesn't matter
Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong
I was just about to mail a letter to my evil twin
When I got a nasty papercut
And, well, to make a long story short
It got infected and I died
So now I'm up in heaven with St. Peter
By the pearly gates
And it's obvious he doesn't like
The Nehru jacket that I'm wearing
He tells me that they've got a dress code
Well, he lets me into heaven anyway
But I get the room next to the noisy ice machine
For all eternity
And every day he runs by screaming
Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you used to think was so important
Doesn't really matter anymore
Because the simple fact remains that

Listen to the Muzak
Hearin' people scream
Sittin' in the waiting room
Readin' crappy magazines
With a toothache
This is it, pal
Root Canal
My molars are impacted
I'm gettin' gum disease
I'm gonna need some fillings
Got twelve cavities
Can you help me
Have mercy
Doctor, please
My teeth are a fright
Got a huge overbite
Numb me, drill me
Floss me, bill me
You jab at my nerve endings
It's driving me insane
Just give me nitrous oxide
Shoot me up with novocaine
Help me out here
'Cause I'm in severe
Pain
Please stop for a bit
Let me rinse and spit
Numb me, drill me
Floss me, bill me
You validate my parking
I think that I'm okay
But you make one more appointment for
A week from Saturday
'Cause you came upon
A little problem on
My x-ray
Oy vey!
It's getting absurd
Well I hope I'm insured, now
Numb me, drill me
Floss me, bill me

Hit my snooze alarm for the twenty seventh time
Just don't feel like goin' to work - I think I'll call my boss, then I'm
Gonna hack and cough and wheeze
Swear I got some strange disease
What's that little twerp gonna say
Hey
I'm callin' in sick today
Callin' in sick today
I could shine my pennies or clean my lava lamp
I could spend all day in my underwear wathing "Ernest Goes To Camp"
I could sit and count my hair
I could burp my Tupperware
I'm not busy anyway
Hey
I'm callin' in sick today
Callin' in sick today
Ain't goin' to work, no way
Callin' in sick today
I can do anything I want to
I am invincible now
I'm on fire, baby
I'm alive, I'm alive, can you hear me, world?
I'm alive
Maybe I'll spend all day staring at the sun
And trying not to squint
Maybe I'll make a huge color tapestry from
My belly button lint
When I'm sick of takin' abuse
I just make up some lame excuse
Freedom's just seven digits away
Hey
I'm callin' in sick today
Callin' in sick today
Ain't gonna work, no way
Callin' in sick today

Since you've been gone
Well, I feel like I've been chewing on tinfoil
Since you've been gone (Since you've been gone)
If like I got a great big mouthful of cod liver oil
Oh well, I'm feelin like I stuck my hand
Inside a blender and turned it on
You know, I've been in a buttload of pain
Since you've been gone
I couldn't feel any worse if you dropped
A two ton bowling ball on my toes
It couldn't hurt any more if you shoved
A red-hot cactus up my nose
Since you've been gone
Well, it feels like I'm getting tetnus shots every day
(Shots every day)
Since you've been gone
It's like I've got an ice cream headache that won't go away
(Won't go away)
Ever since the day you left me
I've been so miserable, my dear
I feel almost as bad as I did
When you were still here

Gump sat alone on a bench in the park
"My name is Forrest, " he'd casually remark
Waitin' for the bus with his hands in his pockets
He just kept sayin' life is like a box of chocolates
He's Gump, he's Gump
What's in his head?
He's Gump, he's Gump, he's Gump
Is he inbred?
Gump was a big celebrity
He told JFK that he really had to pee
He never feels too dumb because
His mom always told him stupid is as stupid does
He's Gump, he's Gump
He's kinda square
He's Gump, he's Gump, he's Gump
What's with that hair?
Run... run... run, run, now
Forrest Run... run... run like the wind now
Run... run... run, run, now
Forrest Run... stop!
His buddy Bubba was a shrimp-lovin' man
His friend with no legs he called Lieutenant Dan
His girlfriend Jenny was kind of a slut
He went to the White House, showed LBJ his butt
He's Gump, he's Gump
He's not too bright
He's Gump, he's Gump, he's Gump
But he's all right
Is this Gump out of his head?
I think so
Is this Gump really brain dead?
I think so
Did this Gump make lots of bread?
I think so
And that's all I have to say about that

You tell a joke and forget the punchline
Why you always wastin' my time?
Hey baby, trust me, you just disgust me
You hair's a mess and your make-up's crusty
I don't know too many females
Who make a habit of biting their toenails
Wo, every time you call, you drive me up the wall
Honey, just the sight of you makes my flesh crawl
I'm sure we'd be happy together
If onle one thing weren't true
Oh baby, I I I I I
I'm so sick of you
You drink the milk right from the carton
What are you, in kindergarten?
You're belchin' everywhere, foulin' up the air
Then you use my razor to shave your back hair
You don't have an ounce of class
You're just one big pain in the neck
How much more can I take now, give me a break now
You even snore when you're wide awake now
You tell all your friends we're the perfect couple
Well, maybe you should get a clue
'Cause baby, I I I I I
I'm so sick of you
Baby, you're so nauseatin'
I I I I I
I'm so sick of you
And when you softly call my name
It's like listenin' to that squeaky chalk sound
And when you look at me that special way
It's hard for me to keep my lunch down
And when you askin' me what I'm thinkin', honey, usually I'm thinkin'
How I'd really like to tie your head completely up in duct tape
So I wouldn't have to listen to you asking me those stupid questions
Over and over again
Well, that disgusting noise you make when you laugh
Gives me a throbbing migraine
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you)
Until you cam along I nbever dated anyone
This low on the food chain
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you)
You've got inhuman body odor
You've got the hair of a boxing promoter
Yeah, your teeth are all yellow, your butt's made of Jell-O
You woke up in a puddle, droolin' on your pillow
I hate the way you crack your knuckles
I hate your whiny loser girlfriends too
But mostly I I I I I
I'm so sick of you
Really now, you're aggrivatin'

My whole family
Loves "Three's Company"
See the reruns constantly
There on my TV
Syndicated Incorporated
Well, I know what's on the tube
I know just what to see
Got my TV Guide with me
"MASH" and "All in the Family"
"The Munsters" and "Mayberry R. F. D."
I will always be busy
Watching my TV
Oprah Winfrey talks to me
Every day at three
Then soon it'll be
"Wheel" and "Jeopardy"
Syndicated Incorporated
Syndicated Incorporated
Well, I'm in such ecstasy
When I'm watchin' TV
I'm a boob tube devotee
Think I'm losin' my sanity
I'm addicted to Regis and Kathie Lee
Forever I will always be
Glued to my TV
Love "The Partridge Family"
And "Dynasty"
And "Laverne and Shirley"
And "Hard Copy"
Syndicated Incorporated
Syndicated Incorporated

Say, do you remember that guy Larry next door
Well, he always was the neighborhood clown
Like the time he pulled my pants off
And he took those color pictures
And posted copies all over town
Or the time that he dumped toxic waste on my lawn
Or those wacky prank phone calls from midnight till dawn
What a crazy kid larry was, always foolin' around
Boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try
Say, do you remember when I lost all my hair
'Cause Lar' gave me that Nair shampoo
And hey, how 'bout the day he put Ben Gay inside my jockstrap
And filled my toothpaste tube up glue
All those wedgies he gave
All those shoestrings he tied
All those brownies he made with the ex-lax inside
Oh, Lar', I swear, it was a laugh a minute with you
Boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try
You know I couldn't help but laugh
Even though he treated me like slime
Remember when he cut my car in half?
Well, he really got me good that time
Say, do you remember when I broke in Larry's house
Late at night and tied his mouth with a rag
Then I dragged him by his ankles to the middle of the forest
And stuffed him in a big plastic bag
If the cops ever find him, who knows what they'd say
But I'm sure if ol' Lar' were still with us today
He would have to agree with me
It was a pretty good gag
Boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try
Boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try
No matter how I try

Mom and dad are goin' out for the evening
And you're stuck inside the house all alone
That's when you decided it might be fun to harass someone
Dial a random number up on your telephone
You ask if their refrigerator is running
Then you tell 'em they should go out and catch it
Buddy, if they ever figured out where you were callin' 'em from
They'd come and bust your head right in with a ratchet
Listen to me
Don't go makin' phony calls
Please stick to the seven-digit numbers you're used to
I know that you think it's funny drivin' folks up the wall
But it's really gettin' old fast
Little Melvin has a natural obsession
Askin' for Prince Albert in a can
He gets a kick each time he makes a collect call
To some guy he doesn't know who lives in Japan
He's callin' strangers up at three in the morning
Gives 'em pizza pie delivery at four
He won't be laughin when they're tracin' his line
One day the phone police will be there at his door
Yo, hear me
Don't go makin' phony calls
Only dial the seven-digit numbers you're used to
Swear someday I'm gonna yank that phone cord right out from the wall
How long is this phase gonna last?
Come on Moe's bar, what'll ya eat, beat or drink?
Uh, yeah, hello, is Mike there?
Last name Rotch.
Hold on. I'll check.
Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch!
Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?
Listen to me, you little puke.
One of these days, I'm going to catch you,
And I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick!
Don't go makin' phony calls
Please stick to the seven-digit numbers you're used to
You went through the New York City phone book and prank called 'em all
Hope that you grow out of this fast
Dont' go makin' phony calls,
Please stick to the seven-digit numbers you're used to
Betcha think it's funny when you're drivin' folks right up the wall
But you're just a pain in the aaa....

Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye,
"Merry Christmas to all - now you're all gonna die!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain

Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said, "It tastes just like chicken!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can't hardly walk around the North Pole
Without steppin' in reindeer guts

There's the National Guard and the F.B.I.
There's a van from the Eyewitness News
And helicopters circlin' 'round in the sky
And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin'
And everyone's dyin' to know, oh Santa, why?
My my my my my my
You used to be such a jolly guy

Yes Virginia, Now Santa is dead Some guy
From the swat team blew a hole through his head
Yes little friend now, thats his brains on the floor,
I guess they wont have the fat guy kicking around anymore
But now there's no more presents for children's enjoyment
And the Elves have to wait in the line and file for unemployment
And they say Mrs. Clause, she's on the phone every night
With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights

They're talkin' bout - the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
Sounds to me like he was sick of gettin' gypped

Wo, the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he's gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain
Tell ya, something finally must have snapped... in his brain

A long, long time ago
In a galaxy far away
Naboo was under an attack
And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn
Could talk the federation in
To maybe cutting them a little slack
But their response, it didn't thrill us
They locked the doors and tried to kill us
We escaped from that gas
Then met Jar Jar and Boss Nass
We took a bongo from the scene
And we went to Theed to see the Queen
We all wound up on Tatooine
That's where... we found... this boy
Oh
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi, Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
Did you know this junkyard slave
Isn't even old enough to shave
But he can use the Force, they say
Ahh, do you see him hitting on the queen
Though he's just nine and she's fourteen
Yeah, he's probably gonna marry her someday
Well, I know he built C-3PO
And I've heard how fast his pod can go
And we were broke, it's true
So we made a wager or two
He was a pre-pubescent flyin' ace
And the minute Jabba started off that race
Well, I knew who would win first place
Oh yes, it was our boy
We started singin'
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi, soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
Now we finally got to Coruscant
The Jedi Council we knew would want
To see how good the boy could be
So we took him there and we told the tale
How his midichlorians were off the scale
And he might fulfill that prophecy
Oh, the Council was impressed, of course
Could he bring balance, to the Force?
They interviewed the kid
All training they forbid
Because Yoda sensed in him much fear
And Qui-Gon said "Now listen here"
Just stick it in your pointy ear
I still will teach this boy"
He was singin'
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi, Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
We caught a ride back to Naboo
'Cause Queen Amidala wanted to
I frankly would've liked to stay
We all fought in that epic war
And it wasn't long at all before
Little Hotshot flew his plane and saved the day
And in the end some Gunguns died
Some ships blew up and some pilots fried
A lot of folks were croakin'
The battle droids were broken
And the Jedi I admire most
Met up with Darth Maul and now he's toast
Well, I'm still here and he's a ghost
I guess I'll train this boy
And I was singin'
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi, Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
We were singin'
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

Oh, my baby, my baby she don't want me no more
Ever since she saw his poster in that record store
She says the way he grinds his molars is really sexy
She thinks he's so darn dysfunctional and Generation X-ey
She likes his brooding angst and his wild-eyed stare
Yeah, he's her very favorite slacker multi-millionaire
Well, my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
She's all crazy 'bout that Eddie Vedder
Once she was mine, but now I better just forget her
'Cause my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
Now, every time I see him, well, he looks so grim
I guess it really must suck to be a rock star like him
What a pain in the butt to have so much success
Spending all his time moping and avoiding the press
But my girl can't get enough of his sullen demeanor
Like he's some big tortured genius and I'm some kinda wiener
Well, my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
She's got a thing for that Eddie Vedder
Tell me, what can he do that I can't do better
Now my baby's in love with
I said I said I said my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
Head over heels for that Eddie Vedder
I can't believe it, now she's knitting him a sweater
'Cause my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
I knew we were headin' for disaster
When she caught me hangin' out at the Ticketmaster
Now she's got an unrequited adoration
For the frustrated, agitated, designated alienated
Spokesman for the disaffected grunge generation
Well, I don't wear Doc Martens and I don't wear flannel
And I don't boycott the music video channel
And I just can't compete with all that money and fame
But I know two can play at this kind of game
Yeah, well, let's just see how jealous she'll get
When I start stalking Alanis Morissette

Vern zol fun dir a blintsa
Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
And all the goyim say I'm pretty fly for a rabbi
Meccha leccha hi, meccha hiney hiney ho
Our temple's had a fair share of rabbis in the past
But most of'em were nudniks and none of'em would last
But ournew guy's real kosher, I think he'll do the trick
I tell ya, he's to die for, he really knows his shtick
So how's by you? Have you seen this Jew?
Reads the Torah, does his own accounting too
Working' like a dog at the synagogue
He's there all day, he's there all day
Just say "Vay is mir!", and he'll kick into gear
He'll bring you lots of cheer and maybe bagels with some shmeer
Just grab your yarmulka and
Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing!
Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
And all the goyim say I'm pretty fly (for a rabbi)
He shops at discount stores, not just any will suffice
He has to find a bargain 'cause he won't pay retail price
He never acts meshugga and he's hardly a schlemiel
But if you wanna haggle, oy, he'll make you such a deal!
People used to scoff, now they say Mazel tov!
He's such a macher 'cause he worked his tuchis off
Yeah, he keeps his cool and teaches shul
What's not to like? What's not to like?
Oh high holy days, you know he prays and prays
And he never eats pastrami on white break with mayonnaise
Put on your yarmulka and
Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing!
When he's doing a Bar Mitzvah, now that you shouldn't miss
He'll always shlep on down for a wedding or a briss
They say he's got a lot of chutzpah, he's really quite hip
The parnets pay the moyl and he gets to keep the tip!
Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
Meccha leccha hi, meccha meccha cholly ho
He's doin' well, I gotta kvell
The yentas love him, even shicksas think he's swell
Show up at his home, he says, Shalom!
And Have some cake, you want some cake?
Yeah he calls the shots, we really love him lots
Oy gevalt, I'm so ferklempt that I could plotz!
So grab your yarmulka
The one you got for Chanukah
Let's put on our yarmulkas and
Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing!

It's been one week since we got to see
Cheatin' lovers and cousins that marry
Five days since they had the show
With the hermaphrodite, the slut and the crack ho
Three days since we heard the tale
About the guy who learned his woman was a she-male
Yesterday it occurred to me
That I've been watchin' a bit too much Jerry Springer
Holy cow, d'you see it last week?
Well, they had this one freak
Who sucker-punched his whole family
Do you recall when the brawl
Became a total free-for-all?
And Jerry's in the middle tryin' to be the referee
Hey, see the stripper with the implants?
She likes to lap dance
And date the boyfriend of her mother
Now here comes Jerry's next guest
And it's a slugfest
Cause it's her trailer trash brother
Nymphomaniac is back on crack
It's like "When Animals Attack"
They all exhibit reprehensible behavior
Hit 'em in the nose, tear off their clothes
Step on their toes, that's how it goes
They get so violent they have to sign a waiver
They're always swearin', cursin', kickin' butt and pointin' blame
On the air? They don't care, they've got no shame
There was one guy who I'm sure felt a little strange
When he found out that his wife had a sex change
They have a tendency to scream and yell constantly
They have a history of ripping off their shirts
It's been one week since they had the fight
With the Siamese twins and the transvestite
Five days since that awful brawl
They still haven't got the blood off the wall
It's been three days since the bitter feud
Between the KKK and that gay Jewish black dude
Yesterday, finally dawned on me
I'm spendin' way too much time on that Jerry Springer
Baby, I've been sleepin' with your sister.
Oh, which one?
All of 'em.
Ah, well, I've been sleepin' with your best friend Jake.
Yeah? W-Well, me too! And, I've been sleepin' with your dog Woofie!
Woofie, you bitch! Well I'm also sleepin' with your pet goat!
That goat doesn't love you!
Once you start watchin', there's just no stoppin'
Your brain shuts down, then your IQ's droppin'
Jerry's the king of confrontation
He's a sensation
He puts the 'sin' in syndication
It's totally worthless, like a bad check
It's like a train wreck
Don't want to stare, but you can't look away
Like Sally Jesse he does talk shows
But with more weirdos
The ratings jumpin' higher every day
If you've seen the show, well then you know
It's just as low as you can go
The guests are tacky and they're lacking in their hygiene
And pretty soon some ugly goon
Comes in the room and then it's BOOM
In the face of some unsuspecting drag queen
Well, it's the kind of show where people scream obscenities
Yankin' hair, throwin' chairs at their hubbies
"Jerry! Jerry!" Now the crowd starts their favorite chant
Should I turn off my TV? I just can't
I have a tendency to watch it religiously
I have a history of taping each one
It's been one week since the show about
Psycho killers with problems they should work out
Five days since the big surprise
When some loser's wife said that she's still dating twenty guys
Three days since he interviewed
A bunch of psychic porn star midgets who were all nude
Yesterday, it occurred to me
That I've been watchin' a bit too much Jerry Springer
Tired of wastin' my time on that Jerry Springer
I've got way too much class to watch Jerry Springer
Come over here and pull on my finger

Sometimes I really want to be alone
But that's one state I'm never in
Because I know that I've got millions upon millions
Of tiny, one-celled organisms living on my skin
I rub and scrub until my flesh is raw and bleeding
(Germs) But they just come right back
(Germs) I can't even see 'em, but I know they're up to something
Hey, don't touch that - you don't know where it's been
They're all over me
They're inside of me
Can't get 'em offa me
I'm covered with ... microscopic bacteria
What do they want from me
What'll they do to me
There's no escape for me
I'm crawling with ... microscopic bacteria
Now if I ever dare to go to sleep
That's when they start their sneak attack
In the morning I wake up in utter horror
To find my teeth are covered with bacterial plaque
Can't get those parasitic creatures off my face
(Germs) And there's more comin' every day
(Germs) I never said that they could camp out on my body
I wish they'd pack their tiny little bags and move away
They're all over me
They're inside of me
Can't get 'em offa me
I'm covered with ... microscopic bacteria
What do they want from me
What'll they do to me
There's no escape for me
I'm crawling with ... microscopic bacteria
They're creepin' around my shorts
They're under the bathroom sink
They're ridin' inside my car
They're swimmin' in my drink
They're hidin' between my toes
They're lurkin' in every kiss
I got 'em way up my nose
In every orafice
I'm gonna show them who's boss
I'm gonna get even yet
Just gimme some Lysol spray
Just hand me a moist towelette
Don't tell me I'm paranoid
I know that they're after me
Look under the microscope
See??
They're all over me
They're inside of me
Can't get 'em offa me
I'm covered with ... microscopic bacteria
What do they want from me
What'll they do to me
There's no escape for me
I'm crawling with ... microscopic bacteria

Aquarius
There's travel in your future
When your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life
By playing whack-a-mole 17 hours a day
Pisces
Try to avoid any virgos or leos with the ebola virus
You're the true Lord of the dance
No matter what those idiots at work say
Aries
The look on your face will be priceless
When you find that 40 pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep
Taurus
You will never find true happiness
What you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up
Do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined
Once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble
When your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest
Cancer, the position of Jupiter says that
You should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test
Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt
And staple it to your bosses face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding
Then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry quik
Virgo
All virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent, except for you
Expect a big surprise today
When you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
Now you may find it inconceivable or rather very least a bit unlikely that
The relative position of the planets and the stars
Could have a special deep significance or meaning
That exclusively applies to only you
But, let me give you my assurance that
These forecasts and predictions are all based on
Solid, scientific, documented evidence
So you would have to be some kind of moron
Not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true
Where was I?
Libra
A big promotion is just around
The corner for someone much more talented than you
Laughter is the very best medicine
Remember that when your appendix bursts next week
Scorpio, get ready for an
Unexpected trip
When you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak
Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of
Ernest Borgnine, you've got hanging in your den
Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person
But, you know they're lying
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows
And never, never, never, never, never leave my house again

It's all about the Pentiums, baby
Uh, uh-huh, yeah
Uh, uh-huh, yeah
It's all about the Pentiums, baby
It's all about the Pentiums, baby
It's all about the Pentiums (it's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums (it's all about the Pentiums, baby)
Yeah
What y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?
Workin' at a desk with a dumb little placard?
Yeah, payin' the bills with my mad programming skills
Defraggin' my hard drive for thrills (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
I got me a hundred gigabytes of RAM (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I never feed trolls and I don't read spam
Installed a T1 line in my house
Always at my PC, double-clickin' on my mizouse
Upgrade my system at least twice a day
I'm strictly plug-and-play, I ain't afraid of Y2K
I'm down with Bill Gates, I call him "Money" for short
I phone him up at home and I make him do my tech support
It's all about the Pentiums, what?
You've gotta be the dumbest newbie I've ever seen
You've got white-out all over your screen
You think your Commodore 64 is really neat-o
What kinda chip you got in there, a Dorito?
You're usin' a 286? Don't make me laugh
Your Windows boots up in what, a day and a half?
You could back up your whole hard drive on a floppy diskette
You're the biggest joke on the internet
Your database is a disaster
You're waxin' your modem, tryin' to make it go faster
Hey fella, I bet you're still livin' in your parents' cellar
Downloadin' pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar
And postin' "me too" like some brain-dead AOL-er
I should do the world a favor and cap you like Old Yeller
You're just about as useless as JPEGs to Hellen Keller
It's all about the Pentiums, yeah (it's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums, yeah (it's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums, yeah (it's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums, yeah (it's all about the Pentiums, baby)
Now, what y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard? (Uh, uh, loggin' in now)
Wanna run wit my crew, huh? (Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
Rule cyberspace and crunch numbers like I do?
They call me the king of the spreadsheets
Got 'em all printed out on my bedsheets
My new computer's got the clocks, it rocks
But it was obsolete before I opened the box
You say you've had your desktop for over a week? (Uh-huh)
Throw that junk away, man, it's an antique (come on)
Your laptop is a month old? (Yeah) well, that's great
If you could use a nice, heavy paperweight
My digital media is right-protected
Every file inspected, no viruses detected
I beta tested every operating system
Gave props to some, and others? I dissed 'em
While your computer's crashin', mine's multitaskin' (uh, uh)
It does all my work without me even askin' (uh, uh, uh)
Got a flat-screen monitor, forty inches wide
I believe that yours says "Etch-A-Sketch" on the side
In a 32-bit world, you're a 2-bit user (come on)
You've got your own newsgroup, "Alt.Total-Loser" (come on)
Your motherboard melts when you try to send a fax (come on)
Where'd you get your CPU, in a box of Cracker Jacks? (Come on)
Play me online? Well, you know that I'll beat you
If I ever meet you I'll control-alt-delete you
What? What? What? What? What? (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums, yeah (it's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums, yeah (it's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums, yeah (it's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums (it's all about the Pentiums, baby)
What y'all wanna do? (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers? (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?
What?

I'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a big ol' truck
Pedal to the metal, hope I don't run out of luck
Rollin' down the highway until the break of dawn
Drivin' a truck with my high heels on
My diesel rig is northward bound
It's time to put that hammer down
Just watchin' as the miles go flyin' by
I'm ridin' 20-tons of steel
But it's sure hard to hold the wheel
While I'm still waiting for my nails to dry
Oh, I always gotta check my lipstick in that rear view mirror
And my pink angora sweater fits so tight
I'm jammin' gears and haulin' freight
Well, I sure hope my seams are straight
Lord, don't let my mascara run tonight
Because I'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a big ol' truck
Smokey's on my tail and my accelerator's stuck
Got these 18 wheels a-rollin until the break of dawn
Drivin' a truck with my high heels on
Oh, I don't mind when my crotchless panties creep right up on me
And my nipple rings don't bother me too much
But when I hit those big speed bumps
My darling little rhinestone pumps
Keep slippin' off the mother-lovin' clutch
But still I'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a big ol' truck
Headin' down the interstate, just tryin' to make a buck
Wearin' feather boas with sequins and chiffon
While I'm drivin' a truck with my high heels on
I'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a truck
Got a load to carry and some eyebrows left to pluck
And I'm late for my appointment down at the hair salon
So I'll be drivin' a truck with my high heels on (my high heels on)

Who's that waddlin' down the street?
It's just me, 'cause I love to eat
Fudge and Twinkies and deviled ham
Who's real flabby? Yes, I am!
Every picture of me's
Gotta be an aerial view
Now my doctor tells me
There's just one thing left to do--
Grapefruit Diet (Diet)
Throw out the pizza and beer
Grapefruit Diet (Diet)
Oh, get those jelly donuts out of here
Grapefruit Diet (Diet)
Might seem a little severe
Grapefruit Diet (Diet)
I'm gettin' tired of my big fat rear
Blow, flatty!
Well, I used to live on chocolate sauce
Made sumo wrestlers look like Kate Moss
Walked down an alley and I got stuck
I got more rolls than a pastry truck
When I'm all done eating
I eat a little more
When I leave a room
First I gotta grease the door
Grapefruit Diet (Diet)
Can't have another eclair
Grapefruit Diet (Diet)
I gotta decrease my derriere
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
No more pie now
No more creme brulee
Lay off the gravy
And souffle
No french fri-yi-yies now
No ice cream parfait
Mr. Cheese Nacho
Stay away
Oh, I think I'd sell my soul
For a triple patty melt
But I need a boomerang
When I put on my belt
Grapefruit Diet (Diet)
Lay off the 3 Musketeers
Grapefruit Diet (Diet)
Until my big booty disappears
Grapefruit Diet (Diet)
Eat'em till they're comin' out of my ears
Grapefruit Diet (Diet)
'Cause I haven't seen my feet in years

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy
Living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house
Half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait Shop
(You know the place)
Well, anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy!

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning
My mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

Aw, big bowl of sauerkraut!
Every single mornin'!
It was driving me crazy

I said to my mom
I said, "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?"
And my dear, sweet mother
She just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train
And she leaned right down next to me
And she said, "It's good for you!"
And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old

That's when I swore that someday
Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place
Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer
And the towels are oh so fluffy
Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long
And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel

Wacka wacka doodoo yeah!

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true
Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest
To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt
I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize
That's right, a first class one-way ticket

To Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!

Oh yeah
You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before
And I gotta tell ya, it was really great
Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor
And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time
The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts
And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out
And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
Except for me
You know why?

'Cause I had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position

Ah ha ha ha
Ah ha ha
Ah

So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage
I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days
Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag
And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball
And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel
But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn
Where the towels are oh so fluffy
And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
It's okay, they're clean!

Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C
And I turned on the SpectraVision
And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door

Well now, who could that be?
I say, "Who is it?"
No answer
"Who is it?"
There's no answer
"Who is it?"
They're not sayin' anything

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock of Seagulls haircut and only one nostril
Oh man, I hate it when I'm right
So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
And I'm like, "Hey, you can't have that!
That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me!"
And he's like, "Tough."
And I'm like, "Give it!"
And he's like, "Make me."
And I'm like, "'kay!"
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
Yes, indeed, you better believe it
And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook
And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice
And you know what it said?
I'll tell you what it said

It said
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again;
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again;
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator."

In Albuquerque
Albuquerque

[Verse 3]
Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel
But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest
I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice
But first, I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop
And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
And he says, "Yeah, what do ya want?"
I said, "You got any glazed donuts?"
He said, "No, we're outta glazed donuts."
I said, "You got any jelly donuts?"
He said, "No, we're outta jelly donuts."
I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"
He said, "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts."
I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?"
He said, "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls."
I said, "You got any apple fritters?"
He said, "No, we're outta apple fritters."
I said, "You got any bear claws?"
He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check

"No, we're outta bear claws."
I said, "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"
He says, "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"
I said, "Okay, I'll take that."

So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out
And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over
Oh man, they were just going nuts
They were tearin' me apart
You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head
I believe it went a little something like this...

Doh!
Get 'em off me!
Get 'em off me!
No, get 'em off, get 'em off!
Oh, oh God, oh God!
Oh, get 'em off me!
Oh, oh God!

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face
Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'
Like a constipated wiener dog
And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams
Her name was Zelda
She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches
I'll never forget the first thing she said to me
She said, "Hey, you've got weasels on your face."

That's when I knew it was true love
We were inseparable after that
Aw, we ate together, we bathed together
We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss
The world was our burrito
So we got married and we bought us a house
And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly
Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah

But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me
She said, "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"
I said, "Whoa, hold on now, baby, I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!"
So we broke up and I never saw her again
But that's just the way things go

In Albuquerque
Albuquerque

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me
Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream
That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler!
I even made employee of the month after I put out that grease fire with my face
Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
I was gettin' a lot of attitude

OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot
Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself
So I, I say to him, I say, "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"
And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes
"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw."

So I did

And then he gets all indignant on me
He's like, "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic!"
Well, that's just great
How was I supposed to know that?
I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud
Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname: "Torso-Boy"!
So what's he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bite in three days
Well, I knew what he meant
But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein
And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over
And I'm like, "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?"
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming
You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation
Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

Anyway, um, um, where was I?
Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh, well, uh, okay
Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it
But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is:

I
Hate
Sauerkraut!

That's all I'm really tryin' to say
And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up
And find yourself in an existential quandary​
Full of loathing and self-doubt
And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up old universe of ours
There's still a little place called

Look, if you had, one shot
To sit on your lazy butt, and watch all the TV you ever wanted
Until your brain turned to mush, would you go for it
Or just let it slip?
Yo

Remote is ready, eyes wide, palms are sweaty
There's Flintstones on the TV already, Wilma and Betty
No virgin to channel surfin', and I'm HD ready
So I flip, garbage is all I'm getting
There's Simon Cowell, who folks wanna disembowel
He opens his mouth, always says something foul
They're dying wow, wannabes are crying now
He votes 'em out, time to throw in the towel
Shows based on reality, oh the humanity
Oh, Ozzy's family sure loves profanity
Woah, the insanity, oh, dogs that crap and pee
Home of depravity? No, they live happily
Yo, plus Da Ali G Show, and Celebrity Mole
Oh there's Anna Nicole, she's scarin' me
Look, Ma — No cavities! Oh, it's a station break
Better go out to the kitchen and microwave something

You're gonna lose your mind watching TV
They told me, they'd scold me, but I'd still tune into every show
My cable gets C-SPAN, TVLand, and HBO
The Travel Channel, Discovery and Lifetime
You're gonna lose your mind watching TV
They told me, cajoled me, "Turn off those music videos!"
I'm gonna watch C-SPAN, TVLand, and HBO
The History Channel, and QVC, and Lifetime
You're gonna...

My butt is aching, as I watch NASCAR racing
That show about undertaking, Larry King
To 24, to Law & Order
The Weather Channel's boring like 60 Minutes
Ancient reporters, next up on E! True Hollywood Story
The rise and decline of twelve actors named Corey
Shows for next fall, they've already been namin'
CSI: Boise, and Touched by an Uncle
Both sound pretty lame, and
So does Everybody Tolerates Raymond
And King of Queens jumped the shark the first minute
I can't believe Richard Simmons ain't in it
I move right on to 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter
Then I bet I watch The Bachelorette
Followed by Welcome Back, Kotter
And The Muppet Show where they go "Mahna Mahna"

You're gonna lose your mind watching TV
They told me, they'd scold me, but I'd still tune into every show (oh)
My cable gets C-SPAN, TVLand, and HBO
The Disney Channel and A&E and Lifetime
You're gonna lose your mind watching TV
They told me, cajoled me, but I still love Lisa Kudrow (oh)
I'm lookin at C-SPAN, TVLand, and HBO
The Playboy Channel, and Court TV, and Lifetime
You're gonna...

Never miss Melrose Place or Lost in Space
I've seen each Amazing Race and Without a Trace
But I only watched Will & Grace, one time, one day
Wish I hadn't, 'cause TiVo now thinks I'm gay
Oh, and Fear Factor, I watched maybe a half hour
After that, felt like I needed a long shower
Network execs with naked ambition
Next week on FOX watch lions eat Christians
Like to tie up those programming planners
Make them watch all that junk until their heads explode just like Scanners
Leech-covered, grub-eating fools on Survivor
Look, there's James Lipton discussing the oeuvre
Of Mr. Rob Schneider
And there's Gilligan and SpongeBob
Plus there's MacGyver
And Jay Leno has got Madonna
Hey, there's Luke Perry
And a special all Pig Latin episode of Drew Carey
Wanna turn on ET
'Cause I'm a gossip freak
And I gotta know who J-Lo is marrying this week
A 30-second spot
Welcome back to Are You Hot?
I was planning on recording The Sopranos — I forgot
I love shows with or without a plot
I'll stare 'til my legs are numb, my eyes bloodshot
Because I only have got one brain to rot
I'm gonna spend my life watching television a lot

You're gonna lose your mind watching TV
They told me, they'd scold me, but I still tune into every show (oh)
My cable gets C-SPAN, TVLand, and HBO
The Sci-Fi Channel and AMC and Lifetime
You're gonna lose your mind watching TV
They told me, cajoled me, turn off that Oprah Winfrey show (oh)
I got it on C-SPAN, TVLand, and HBO
The Learning Channel and MTV and Lifetime
You're gonna...
You can watch anything you want to, man

Nothin' ever (ever) happens in this town
Feelin' low down (down), not a lot to do around here
I thought that I would go right out of my mind
Until a friend told me the news
He said, "Hey, you know that vacant lot
Right beside the gas station? Well, somebody bought it
And on that spot they're gonna build a shop
Where we can go buy bolts and screws"
Since then I've been walking on air (air)
I can barely brush my teeth or comb my hair
'Cause I'm so excited and I really don't care
I've been waiting since last June
For this day to finally arrive
I'm so happy (happy) now just to be alive
'Cause any minute now I'm gonna be inside
Well, I hope they open soon
I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when)
When are they gonna open up that door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardware store
In my sleeping bag I camped out overnight
Right in front of the store, then as soon as it was light out
I pressed my nose right up against the glass
You know, I had to be first in line
Gonna get me a flashlight and a broom
Want a pair of pliers for every single room of my house
See those hacksaws? Very, very soon
One of them will be all mine
Guys with nametags walking down the aisles
Rows of garden hoses that go on for miles and miles
Brand new socket wrenches in a plethora of styles
All arranged alphabetically
And they're doing a promotional stunt
There's a great big purple sign out front
That says every 27th customer
Will get a ball peen hammer free
I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when)
When are they gonna open up that door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardware store
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardware store
They've got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters
Trash compactors, juice extractor, shower rods and water meters
Walkie-talkies, copper wires safety goggles, radial tires
BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers
Picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters
Paint removers, window louvres, masking tape and plastic gutters
Kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables
Hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles
Pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication
Metal roofing, water proofing, multi-purpose insulation
Air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors
Tire guages, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors
Trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers
Tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers
Soffit panels, circuit brakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers
Calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers
I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when)
When are they gonna open the door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardware store

It's rotten, so rotten here
So rotten, ah, oh!
It was like, the last day before trash day (uh)
My place was gettin' kinda nasty (uh)
Even know the garbage I knew would reak (ya know)
Thought that I could leave it for one more week
Then I, I'm takin', birthday cake (oh) and chile and greasy old bacon
Throw in all on top of the mess I've been makin'
Wife so mad she start to shakin'
Leaky bag and now the girl is gaggin'
She's naggin', I need you to get that stuff of the kitchen floor (oh)
Is that too much to ask you for (oh)
But I see no reason why, I can't let a few more weeks go by (uh uh)
And that garbage is piled up high, and buddy you should see the flies
I said
There something rotten here (say what)
You better hold your nose (oh)
(Hey you disgusting slob, you better take the trash out)uh uh uh uh, oh
Boy there's a lot in here (a lot)
And everyday it grows (oh)
(Hey you disgusting slob, you better take the trash out)uh uh uh, make you
Want to throw up
Look at all this garbage that I keep generatin' (come on)
I sit around all day and watch it biodegrating
Bet there's a hundred house codes that I'm violatin'
Even my dog passed out and need resusatatin'
You won't believe it, take a whiff of that aroma
Sure to put you in a coma
It's so messy can't find my toenail clippers
It's so bad the roaches wearin' slippers
Worn, sweatly clothes, pile up in this joint
Stand up by themselves at this point
It's so filthy now baby I can't lie
I wipe my feet before I go outside
I wonder what crawled in here and died
Ya know, walkin' around barefoot actin terrified
But it gives me stuff to talk about with my friends, like
Hey I think them rats gettin' big (oh)
There something rotten here (say what)
You better hold your nose (oh)
(Hey you disgusting slob, you better take the trash out)uh uh uh uh, oh
Look what we got in here (now what)
Let's watch it decompose (oh)
(Hey you disgusting slob, you better take the trash out)uh uh uh uh, make
You want to throw up
With a little bit a
And a little bit a
Make me want to throw up
It makes you want to
Just makes you want to
Oh
Some Lysol, some Comet, I got a mop and its got your name on it
(What?) I'm just kiddin' dogonit
(Oh) Unless your gonna do it
Careful not to (ay) breathe the fumes
The garbage piles are goin' all the way to the bathroom
Turn in to toxic waste sometime this after noon
Better get a Hazmat suit and a push broom
Oh
There something rotten here (say what)
You better hold your nose (oh)
(Hey you disgusting slob, you better take the trash out)uh uh uh uh, oh
Its kinda pot in here (tear pot)
Bring out the fire hose (oh)
(Hey you disgusting slob, you better take the trash out)uh uh uh uh, make
You want to throw up

Finger food and an ice cold keg
It won't cost you an arm and a leg
Dance all night to a rotten band
Come on, people, let's give 'em a hand
Saturday night is the place to be
Everybody cut footloose with me
At the party at the leper colony
Oh, there's a party at the leper colony
Met a little lady so pretty and young
She was quite a talker 'till the cat got her tounge
She oozed up beside me i turned on my charm
Pretty soon she was completely disarmed
I said, "Now girl, don't fall to pieces on me"
But she cried her eyes out, literally
At the party at the leper colony
Oh, there's a party at the leper colony
Hey, now buddy don't you give me no lip
Sorry I was usin your head for a dip
There's a guy in the hot tub, I don't know who
Wait a minute, it looks like stew
Well, hold the phone, now what do I see
Anothe pretty momma got her eye on me
At the party at the leper colony
Oh, there's a party at the leper colony

I don't have a library card
But do you mind if I check you out?
I like your skeletal structure, baby
You're an ectomorph, no doubt
Your face is real symmetrical
And your nostrils are so nice
I wish that I was cross-eyed, girl
So I could see you twice

Girl, you smell like Fritos
That's why I'm giving you this hungry stare
You're so hot, you're gonna melt
The elastic in my underwear
I'll bet you're magically delicious
Like a bowl of Lucky Charms
You'd look like Venus de Milo
If I just cut off your arms
What I'm tryin' to say is...

I wanna be your lover, baby
I need somebody to love
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby
Now I need somebody to love

Do you believe in love at first sight
Or should I walk by again?
My love for you's like diarrhea
I just can't hold it in
Stop, drop and roll now
'Cause baby, you're on fire
I'll bet your outfit
Makes a lot of noise in the dryer

You're absolutely perfect
Don't speak now, you might spoil it
Your eyes are even bluer
Than the water in my toilet
Say, has anyone ever told you
You've got Yugoslavian hands?
No, of course not, that would be stupid
Just forget I ever brought it up
The point I'm trying to make is...

I wanna be your lover, baby
I need somebody to love
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby
Now I need somebody to love

I wanna be your Krakatoa
Let my lava flow all over you
I wanna be your anaconda
And your heat-seeking missile too
I wanna be your beef burrito
Am I making this perfectly clear?
I wanna be your love torpedo
Are you picking up the subtle innuendo here?
Uh huh

I hope I'm not being forward
But do you mind if I chew on your butt?
You can tell me truthfully
Am I a steamin' hunk of love now, or what?
There just aren't enough o's in "smooth"
To describe how smooth I am
Maybe you've seen my picture
It's in the dictionary under "Kablaam!"
My lips are registered weapons
Can I invade your personal space?
You must have fallen from heaven
That would explain how you messed up your face
Well, how'd you get through security?
'Cause baby, you're the bomb
I'd like to take you home right now
So you can meet my mom
Because I...

I wanna be your lover, baby
I need somebody to love
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby
Now I need somebody to love

Girl, you must be Jamaican
Because Jamaican me crazy
Girl, you must be Jamaican
Because Jamaican me crazy

I wanna be your lover, baby
I need somebody to love
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby
Now I need somebody to love

Uh huh, extra cheese
Uh huh, uh huh, save a piece for me
Pizza party at your house
I went just to check it out
Nineteen extra larges
What a shame
No one came
Just us eatin' all alone
You said, "Take the pizza home"
"No sense lettin' all this go to waste"
So then I faced
Pizza all day
And every day
This cheese 'round the clock
Is gettin' me blocked
And I sure don't care
For irregularity
Tell me
Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated?
'Cause right now I'd do anything to just get my bowels evacuated
In the bathroom, I sit and I wait and I strain
And I sweat and I clench and I feel the pain
Oh, should I take laxatives or have my colon irrigated?
No no no
I was feelin' pretty down
'Till my girlfriend came around
We're just so alike in every way
I gotta say
In fact, I just thought I might
Pop the question there that night
I was kissing her so tenderly
But woe is me
Who would have guessed
Her family crest
I'd suddenly spy
Tattooed on her thigh
And son-of-a-gun
It's just like the one on me
Tell me
How was I supposed to know we were both related?
Believe me, if I knew she was my cousin we never would have dated
What to do now? Should I go ahead and propose
And get hitched and have kids with eleven toes
And move to Alabama where that kind of thing is tolerated?
No no no no no no no
No no no no no no no
No no no no no
I had so much on my mind
I thought maybe I'd unwind
Try out that new roller coaster ride
And the guide
Said not to stand
But that's a demand
That I couldn't meet
I got on my feet
And stood up instead
And knocked off my head, you see
Tell me
Why'd I have to go and get myself decapitated?
This really is a major inconvenience, oh man, I really hate it
Such a drag, now
Can't eat, I can't breathe, I can't snore
I can't belch or yodel anymore
Can't spit or blow my nose or even read Sports Illustrated
Oh no
Why'd I have to go and get myself all mutilated? (yeah, yeah)
I gotta tell ya, life without a head kinda makes me irritated
What a bummer
Can't blink, I can't cough, I can't sneeeze
But my neck is enjoyin' a pleasant breeze now
Haven't been the same since my head and I were separated
No no no

I was watching my TV one night
When they broke in with a special report
About some devastating earthquake in Peru
There were thirty thousand crushed to death
Even more were buried alive
On the Richter scale it measured 8.2
And I said
"God, please answer me one question"
"Why'd they have to interrupt The Simpsons just for this?"
What a drag, 'cause I was taping it and everything
And now I'll have to wait for the rerun
To see the part of the show I missed
Why does this always happen?
Why does this always happen to me?
Why does this always happen?
(Why) why does this always happen to me?
Ba ba ba ba

I was driving down the highway
When all the traffic slowed to a crawl
There was a 12-car pile-up, everybody dead
And I saw brains and guts and vital organs splattered everywhere
As well as my friend Robert's disembodied head (disembodied head)
And I thought
"Poor Rob, I just had lunch with him"
"Hey, wait a minute, he still owes me money, what a jerk"
Well, there's five bucks
That I'm never gonna see again
Plus now, on top of everything else
It looks like I'm gonna be late to work
Oh, why does this always happen?
Why does this always happen to me?
Why does this always happen?
(Why) why does this always happen to me?
Ba ba ba ba

Oh, the other day, my boss said
We were running low on toner
And he told me I should buy another case
Well, I told him I was busy
But he still just kept on asking
So, I turned around and stabbed him in the face (right in the face)
Oh, and wouldn't you know it? My knife got stuck
I guess that's probably bound to happen now and then
But I'm afraid I may have bent the tip a little
And I know that blade will never ever be quite as sharp again
Quite as sharp again

Peter Parker was pitiful
Couldn't have been any shyer
Mary Jane still wouldn't notice him
Even if his hair was on fire
But then one day he went to that science lab
That mutated spider came down
Oh, and now Peter crawls over everyone's walls
And he's swingin' all over town
La li la, li de da
La la, li le la da dumb
Sling us a web, you're the Spider-Man
Sling us a web tonight
'Cause we're all in the mood for a hero now
And there's evil doers to fight
Now Harry the rich kid's a friend of his
Who horns in on Mary Jane
But to his great surprise it seems she prefers guys
Who can kiss upside down in the rain
"With great power comes great responsibility"
That's the catch phrase of old Uncle Ben
If you missed it, don't worry, they'll say the line
Again and again and again
Oh, la la la, di de da
La la, di di da da dom
Now Norman's a billionare scientist
Who never had time for his son
But then something went screw and before you knew he
Was trying to kill everyone
And he's ridin' around on that glider thing
And he's throwin' that weird pumpkin bomb
Yes, he's wearin' that dumb Power Rangers mask
But he's scarier without it on
Sling us a web, you're the Spider-Man
Sling us a web tonight
'Cause you're brave and you're strong and so limber now
But where'd you come up with those tights?
It's a pretty sad day at the funeral
Norman Osborn has bitten the dust
And I heard Harry's said he wants Spider-Man dead
Aw, but his buddy Pete he can trust
Oh, and M.J. is all hot for Peter now
Aw, but Peter, he just shuts her down
Mary Jane, don't you cry, you can give it a try
Again when the sequal comes 'round
Oh, la la la, di de da
La la, di di da da dumb
Sling us a web, you're the Spider-Man
Sling us a web tonight
'Cause we all sure could use us a hero now
And we think that you'll do all right

I, man, am Regal, a German am I
Never odd or even
If I had a Hi-Fi
Madam, I'm Adam
Too hot to hoot
No lemons, no melon
Too bad I hid a boot
Lisa Bonet ate no basil
Warsaw was raw
Was it a car or a cat I saw?
Rise to vote, sir
Do geese see God?
Do nine men interpret? Nine men I nod
Rats live on no evil star
Won't lovers revolt now?
Race fast safe car
Pa's a sap
Ma is as selfless as I am
May a moody baby doom a yam
Ah Satan sees Natasha
No devil lived on
Lonely Tylenol
Not a banana baton
No X in Nixon
O stone, be not so
O Geronimo, no minor ego
"Naomi" I moan
A Toyota's a Toyota
A dog, a panic, in a pagoda
Oh no, Don Ho
Nurse, I spy gypsies, run!
Senile felines
Now I see bees, I won
UFO tofu
We panic in a pew
Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo
God, a red nugget, a fat egg under a dog
Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog

A used pink bathrobe
A rare mint snow globe
A Smurf TV tray
I bought on E-Bay
My house is filled with this crap
Shows up in bubble wrap
Most every day
What I bought on E-Bay
Tell me why I need another pet rock
Tell me why I got that Alf alarm clock
Tell me why I bid on Shatner's old toupee
They had it on E-Bay
I'll buy your knick-knack
Just check my feedback
"A plus plus" they all say
They love me on E-Bay
Gonna buy a slightly-damaged golf bag
Gonna buy some Beanie Babies, new with tag
From some guy, I've never met in Norway
Found him on E-Bay
I am the type who is liable to snipe you
With two seconds left to go, whoa
Got Paypal or Visa, whatever'll please ya
As long as I've got the dough
I'll buy your Tchotchkes
Sell me your watch, please
I'll buy (I'll buy, I'll buy, I'll buy)
I'm highest bidder now
Junk keeps arriving in the mail
From that worldwide garage sale (Dukes Of Hazard ashtray)
Hey, A Dukes Of Hazard ashtray (Oh yeah)
I bought it on E-Bay
Wanna buy a PacMan Fever lunchbox
Wanna buy a case on vintage tube socks
Wanna buy a Kleenex used by Dr. Dre (By Dr. Dre)
Found it on E-Bay
Wanna buy that Farrah Fawcet poster
Pez dispensers and a toaster
Don't know why the kind of stuff you'd throw away
I'll buy on E-Bay
What I bought on E-Bay

I'm not the brightest crayon in the box
Everyone says I'm dumber than a bag of rocks
I barely even know how to put on my own pants
But I'm a genius in France (yeah), genius in France, genius in France
Hoom chaka laka hoom chaka laka hoom chaka
I may not be the sharpest hunk of cheese
I got a negative number on my SATs
I'm not good looking, and I don't know how to dance
But nevertheless and in spite of the evidence I am still widely considered to be a
Genius in France, genius in France, genius in France
People say I'm a geek, a moronic little freak
An annoying pipsqueak with an unfortunate physique
If I was any dumber, they'd have to water me twice a week
But when the Mademoiselles see me, they all swoon and shriek
They dig my mystique, they say I'm c'est magnifique
When I'm in Par-ee, I'm the chic-est of the chic
They love my body odor and my bad toupee
They love my stripey shirt and my stupid beret
And when I'm sipping on a Perrier
In some café down in St. Tropez
It's hard to keep the fans at bay
They say, "Sign my poodle, s'il vous plait"
"Sign my poodle, s'il vous plait"
Hemenene humenene himenene homenene
Poodle... poodle...
Folks in my hometown think I'm a fool
Got too much chlorine in my gene pool
A few peas short of a casserole
A few buttons missing on my remote control
A few fries short of a happy meal
I couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
Instructions on the heel
Instructions on the heel
But when I'm in Provence, I get free croissants
Yeah, I'm the guy every French lady wants
And if you ask 'em why, you're bound to get this response:
(He's a genius in France! Genius in France!) That's right
(He's a genius in France! Genius in France!) You know it
(He's a genius in France, genius in France, genius in France!)
I'm not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree
But the folks in France, they don't seem to agree
They say, "Bonjour, Monsieur would you take ze picture with me?"
I say, "Oui, oui"
That's right, I say, "Oui, oui"
"Oui, oui"
He says, "Oui, oui"
I'm dumber than a box of hair
But those Frenchies don't seem to care
Don't know why, mon frere
But they love me there
I'm a genius in France
Yeah... I'm a genius in France
Gonna make a big splash when I show up in Cannes
Gonna make those Frenchies scream, "You ze man! You ze man! You ze man!"
Like a fine Renoir (waa!), I've got that je ne sais quoi (quoi!)
Like a fine Renoir (ooh la la!), I've got that je ne sais...
Quoi quoi quoi quoi quoi, oo-we-oo
Quoi quoi quoi quoi quoi, oo-we-oo
Bow diddy bow di bow di bow bow diddy
Bow diddy bow di bow di bow bow diddy
Bow
I'm a taco short of a combo plate
But by some twist of fate, all the Frogs think I'm great
Oh, the men all faint and the women scream
They like me more than heavy cream
When I'm in Versailles, I'm a popular guy
My oh my, I'm as French as apple pie (apple pie)
They think I'm awfully witty, a riot and a half
When I tell a stupid joke, they laugh (haw haw haw haw haw)
And laugh (haw haw haw haw haw haw)
People in France have lots of attitude
They're snotty and rude, they like disgusting food
But when they see me, they just come unglued
They think that I am one happening dude
Bowm ba ba bowm ba bowm ba bowm
I'm about as sharp as a bowling ball
But they like me better than Charles de Gaulle
Entre nous, it's very true
The room temperature's higher than my IQ
But they love me more than Gerard Depardieu
How did this happen? I don't have a clue
Well... I'm not the quickest tractor on the farm
I don't have any skills or grace or charm
And most people look at me like I'm all covered with ants
But I'm a genius in France (yeah), genius in France, genius in France
And I'm never goin' back, I'm never goin' back
I'm never never never never goin' back home again
I'm tearin' up my return flight ticket
Gonna tell the folks back home where they can stick it
'Cause I'm never goin' back, I'm never goin' back
I'm never goin' back
The girls back home never gave me a chance
But I sho nuff got them Frogs in some kinda trance
And I'm aware that it's a most improbable circumstance
But GREAT GOOGILY MOOGILY, I'm a genius in France
Every Frenchie that I meet
Just can't wait to kiss my feet
Get in line, pucker up! Tout suite!
Bowm diddy bowm diddy bowm diddy
I'm gettin' even more famous by the hour
I'm stuffed with pastries and drunk with power
Now they're puttin' up my statue by the Eiffel Tower
A little more to the left, boys, a little more to the left
A little more to the left, boys, a little more to the left
I'm the biggest dork there is alive
My mom picked out my clothes for me till I was 35
And I forgot to mention
I'm not even welcome at the Star Trek convention
But the Frenchies think
That my poop don't stink
I'm a genius in France
Say, would you pass the Grey Poupon?
Merci beaucoup

They see me mowin' my front lawn
I know they're all thinkin' I'm so
White and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy
Can't you see I'm white and nerdy?
Look at me, I'm white and nerdy
I wanna roll with the gangstas
But so far they all think I'm too
White and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy
I'm just too white and nerdy
Really white and nerdy
First in my class here at M-I-T
Got skills, I'm a champion at D and D
M.C. Escher, that's my favorite M.C.
Keep you're forty, I'll just have an Earl Grey tea
My rims never spin, to the contrary
You'll find that they're quite stationary
All of my action figures are cherry
Stephen Hawking's in my library
My MySpace page is all totally pimped out
Got people beggin' for my top eight spaces
Yo, I know pi to a thousand places
Ain't got no grills, but I still wear braces
I order all of my sandwiches with mayonnaise
I'm a wiz' at Minesweeper, and I play for days
Once you've see my sweet moves, you're gonna stay amazed
My fingers movin' so fast, I'll set the place ablaze
There's no killer app I haven't run (run)
At Pascal, well, I'm number one (one)
Do vector calculus just for fun
I ain't got a gat, but I got a soldering gun (What?)
Happy Days is my favorite theme song
I could sure kick your butt in a game of ping pong
I'll ace any trivia quiz you bring on
I'm fluent in JavaScript as well as Klingon
Here's the part I sing on
You see me roll on my Segway
I know in my heart they think I'm
White and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy
Can't you see I'm white and nerdy?
Look at me, I'm white and nerdy
I'd like to roll with the gangstas
Although it's apparent I'm too
White and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy
I'm just too white and nerdy
How'd I get so white and nerdy?
I been browsin', inspectin' X-Men comics
You know I collect 'em
The pens in my pocket, I must protect them
My ergonomic keyboard never leaves me bored
Shoppin' online for deals on some writable media
I edit Wikipedia
I memorized Holy Grail really well
I can recite it right now and have you R-O-T-F-L-O-L
I got a business doing websites (websites)
When my friends need some code, who do they call?
I do H-T-M-L for 'em all
Even made a homepage for my dog, yo
I got myself a fanny pack
They were havin' a sale down at The Gap
Spend my nights with a roll of bubble wrap
Pop, pop, hope no one sees me gettin' freaky
I'm nerdy in the extreme
Whiter than sour cream
I was in AV club, and glee club
And even the chess team
Only question I ever thought was hard
Was "Do I like Kirk, or do I like Picard?"
Spend every weekend at the Renaissance Fair
Got my name on my underwear
They see me strollin', they're laughin'
And rollin' their eyes 'cause I'm so
White and nerdy
Just because I'm white and nerdy
Just because I'm white and nerdy
All because I'm white and nerdy
Holy cow, I'm white and nerdy
I wanna bowl with the gangstas
But, oh well, it's obvious I'm
White and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy
I'm just too white and nerdy
Look at me, I'm white and nerdy

I'm always thinkin' 'bout it
I don't know what I'd do without it
I love, I really love
My pancreas
My spleen just doesn't matter
Don't really care about my bladder
But I don't leave home without
My pancreas
My pancreas is always
There for me
Ahh-oooh
Secreting those enzymes (bap bap bap)
Secreting those hormones too
Metabolizing carbohydrates
Just for me
Ooooooh
My pancreas attracts every other
Pancreas in the universe
With a force proportional
To the product of their masses
And inversely proportional
To the distance between them
Woo woo woo woo
Don'tcha you know you gotta
Flow, flow, flow, pancreatic juice
Flow, flow, into the deuodenum
Won'tcha
Flow, flow, flow, pancreatic juice
Flow, flow, into the deuodenum
Insulin, glucagon
(Won'tcha flow, flow, flow, pancreatic juice)
Comin' from the islets of Langerhans...
(Flow flow, into the deuodenum)
Insulin, glucagon
(Won'tcha flow flow flow, pancreatic juice)
Comin' from the islets of Langerhans...
(Flow flow, into the deuodenum)
Lipase, amylase, and tripsin
They gonna help with our digestion
Lipase, amylase, and tripsin
They gonna help with our digestion
Can't you see I love my pancreas

Don't want to be a Canadian idiot
Don't want to be some beer swillin' hockey nut
And do I look like some frostbitten hosehead?
I never learned my alphabet from A to Z
They all live on donuts and moose meat
And they leave the house without packing heat
Never even bring their guns to the mall
And you know what else is too funny
Their stupid monopoly money
Can't take 'em seriously at all
Well maple syrup and snow's what they export
They treat curling just like it's a real sport
They think their silly accent is so cute
Can't understand a thing they're 'talking abuut'
Sure they got their national health care
Cheaper meds, low crime rates and clean air
Then again well they got Celine Dion
Eat their weight in Kraft macaroni
And dream of driving a Zamboni
All over Saskatchewan
Don't want to be a Canadian idiot
Won't figure out the temperature in Celsius
See the map - they're hovering right over us
Tell you the truth it makes me kinda nervous
Always hear the same kind of story
Break their nose and they'll just say sorry
Tell me what kind of freaks are that polite?
It's gotta mean they're all up to something
So quick before they see it coming
Time for a preemptive strike

I sued Taco Bell 'cause I ate half a million chalupas, and I got fat
I sued Panasonic they never said I shouldn't use their microwave to dry off my cat
I sued Earthlink 'cause I called 'em up, and they had the nerve to put me on hold
I sued Starbucks 'cause I spilled a frappucino in my lap, and brr, it was cold
I sued Toys 'R' Us 'cause I swallowed a Nerf Ball and nearly choked to death
I sued Petco 'cause I ate a bag of kitty litter and now I've got bad breath
I sued Coca Cola, yo 'cause I put my finger down in a bottle and it got stuck
I sued Delta Airlines 'cause they sold me a ticket to New Jersey I went there, and it sucked
Yeah
If you stand me up on a date
If you deliver my pizza 30 seconds late
I'm gonna sue, sue, yes I'm gonna sue
Sue, sue, yeah, that's what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna sue, sue, yes I'm gonna sue
Sue, sue, yeah I might even sue you!
Ugh
I sued Duracell they never told me not to shove that AA right up my nose
I sued Home Depot 'cause they sold me a hammer, which they knew I might drop on my toes
I sued Dell Computers 'cause I took a bath with my laptop - now it doesn't work
I sued Fruit Of The Loom 'cause when I wear their tighty-whities on my head, I look like a jerk
I sued Verizon 'cause I get all depressed any time my cell phone is roaming
I sued Colorado 'cause you know, I think it looks a little bit too much like Wyoming
I sued Neiman Marcus 'cause they put up their Christmas decorations way out of season
I sued Ben Affleck aw, do I even need a reason?
Ugh
If I sprain my ankle while I'm robbing your place
If I hurt my knuckles when I punch you in the face
I'm gonna sue, sue, yes I'm gonna sue
Sue, sue, yeah, that's what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna sue, sue, yes I'm gonna sue
Sue, sue, that's right, I'm gonna sue you

Hey, everyone, listen up, your attention if you please
Really wanna give you a warning
'Cause I found out this morning
About a dangerous, insidious computer virus
If you should get an email with the subject, 'stinky cheese'
Better not go taking your chances
Under no circumstances, should you open it
Or else it will
Translate your documents into Swahili
Make your TV record "Gigli"
Neuter your pets, and give you laundry static cling
(Look out!)
It's gonna make your computer screen freeze
(Look out!)
Erase the Easter eggs off your DVDs
(Look out!)
Erase your hard drive and your backups too
And the hard drive of anyone related to you
Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt!
Forward this message on to everybody
Soon, very soon, it will make all the paint peel off your walls
It'll make your keyboard all sticky
Give your poodle a hickey
And invest your cash in stock in Euro Disney
Then, it will tie up your phone, making crank long-distance calls
It'll set your clocks back an hour and start clogging the shower
So just trash it now, or else it will
Decide to give you a permanent wedgie,
Legally change your name to Reggie,
Even mess up the pH balance in your pool
It's gonna melt your face right off your skull
(Look out!)
And make your iPod only play Jethro Tull
(Look out!)
And tell you knock-knock jokes while you're trying to sleep
(Look out!)
And make you physically attracted to sheep
(Look out!)
Steal your identity and your credit cards
(Look out!)
Buy you a warehouse full of pink leotards
(Look out!)
Then cause a major rift in time and space
And leave a bunch of Twinkie wrappers all over the place
That's right it's a
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt!
Forward this message on to everybody
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt!
Forward this message on to everybody
Warn all your friends, send this to everybody
Tell everyone you know, tell everybody now
If you get infected, you'll wish you had never been born
So before it emails your grandmother all of your porn
Turn off your computer and make sure it powers down
Drop it in a forty-three-foot hole in the ground
Bury it completely, rocks and boulders should be fine
Then burn all the clothes you may have worn any time you were online!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt!
Forward this message on to everybody
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt!
Forward this message on to everybody
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt!
Forward this message on to everybody
Warn all your friends, send this to everybody
Tell everyone you know, tell everybody now
What are you waiting for'
Just hurry up and forward this to every single person that you know!
Hit send right now!

These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I could say
I came up with more secrets to tell you today
These are my confessions
Slipped my mind
The last two times
Silly me, so now I gotta give you part three
Of my confessions

First I told you 'bout that skank that I was cheatin' with
Then I mentioned she's having my kid
But that's not all, now I recall more you see
so I give you part three of my confessions

Now this gonna be the hardest thing I think I ever had to do
Gonna tell you everything left out of parts one and two
Like remember when I told you I knew Pauly Shore? (Pauly Shore)
That's a lie, I dont know what I said that for
I borrowed your Chapstick from you without asking
Oh and I tried out your nose hair trimmers too
And by the way your diamond ring is cubic zirconium
Killed your goldfish accidentally
just replaced it with another one

These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I could say
I need to get some things off my chest right away
These are my confessions
Slipped my mind
The last two times
Silly me, so now I gotta give you part three
Of my confessions
I threw up on your dog last time I had too much to drink
There's been times where I peed in your sink
Don't know why but you and I should agree
That belongs in part three
Of my confessions

Baby, forgive me I'm still trying to figure out
Why I used your toothbrush to clean off my bathroom grout
Oh and sometimes in private
I really like to dress up like Shirley Temple and spank myself with a hockey stick (hockey stick)
My boss thinks I'm a jerk
I didn't get that raise
I haven't changed my underwear in twenty-seven days
And when I'm kissing you, I fantasize you're a midget
I'm so sorry Debbie....i mean...Bridgette

These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I could say
I got some more secrets id like to convey
These are my confessions
Slipped my mind
The last two times
Silly me, so now I gotta give you part three
Of my confessions

Gave you Buttered Toast I dropped and picked up off the floor
FYI that was NOT a cold sore
Oops! My bad! But you'll be madder at me
When I finish part three
Of my confessions

You don't know how hard it is for me to tell you this. But remember that shirt you got me for my birthday? Well, I returned it for Store Credit. That thing was hideous...what were you thinking? Oh, and by the way, I wasn't really sick last week, I just didn't want to go to your stupid office picnic. Oh and at breakfast, when I told you we were all out of Rice Krispies, what I meant was there was only enough left for me. Sorry....

These are my confessions
Just when I thought all I could say
I thought up of more things that should scare you away
These are my confessions
Slipped my mind
The last two times
Silly me, so now I gotta give you part three
Of my confessions

Once I blew my nose and then I wiped it on my cat
And I lied, yes, that dress makes you look fat
Anyway I shouldn't say anymore
Until i give you part four
Of my confessions

I mean, I'm just getting started here! I'm not even halfway down the list. This thing could go on for...h-hey! Where are you goin'? Honey? What? Was it something i said? ugh...Women...

Jillian was her name
She was sweeter than aspartame
Her kisses reconfigured my DNA
And after that I never was the same
And I loved her even more
Than Marlon Brando loved souffle
She was gorgeous, she was charming
Yeah, she was perfect in every way
Except she was always using the word "infer"
When she obviously meant "imply"
And I know some guys would put up with that kind of thing
But frankly, I can't imagine why
And I told her, I said
Hey! Are we playing horseshoes, honey?
No, I don't think we are!
You're close! (Close!)
But no cigar!
Then I met sweet young Janet
Prettiest thing on the planet
Had a body hotter than a habanjero
She had lips like a ripe pomegranate
And I was crazy like Manson about her
She got me all choked up like Mama Cass
She had a smile so incredibly radiant
You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass
I thought after all these years of searching around
I'd found my soul mate finally
But one day I found out she actually owned a copy
Of Joe dirt on DVD
Oh, no! I said
Hey! Are we lobbing hand grenades, kiddo?
No I don't think we are!
You're close! (Close!)
Oh, so very close! (Close!)
Yeah, baby, you're close! (Close!)
So close!
But no cigar!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, no!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, no!
Hurray!
Julie played water polo
She wore a ribbon on her left manolo
She had me sweating like Nixon every time she was near
My heart was beating like a Buddy Rich solo
And she was everything I've dreamed of
She moved right up to number one on my list
And did I mention she's a world famous billionaire
Bikini supermodel astrophysicist
Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron
Look like a big fat slobbering pig
The only caveat is one of her earlobes
Was just a little tiny bit too big
I said
Hey! Are we doing government work here?
No I don't think we are!
You're close! (Close!)

I know that you don't know me very well
We've barely met, but I can surely tell
No one will ever love you like I do
I like to feel the warm spot on your chair
Sometimes I drool and usually I stare
My precious one
I saved that gum... that you threw in the garbage
You're the one I dream about
But the only question with me now
Is do I creep you out?
Every time I shake your hand, now
Wanna stick your fingers in my mouth
Well, do I creep you out?
Call you every night and hang up
Gonna carve your name in my leg
In my leg
Something I should ask about...
Can I sniff the pit stains on your blouse?
And do I creep you
Do I creep you out?
(Your restraining order's out)
(Still the only question with me now)
Oh the only question
(Is, do I creep you out?)
Is do I creep you out?
Know exactly where you live now
Follow you from work right to your house
Well, do I creep you out?
Do I creep you out?

Seven O'Clock in the evening
Watchin' somethin' stupid on TV
I'm zoned out on the sofa
When my wife comes in the room and sees me
And she says "is this 'Behind the Music'
With Lynard Skynard?"
And I say I don't know
Say, it's gettin' late, watcha wanna do for dinner?
She says "I kinda had a big lunch
So I'm not super hungry"
I said, well you know, baby, I'm not starvin' either
But I could eat"
She said "So whadya have in mind?"
I said I don't know what about you?
She said "I don't care, if you're hungry, let's eat"
I said that's what we're gonna do!
But first you gotta tell me
What it is you're hungry for!
And she says "let me think,
What's left in our refrigerator?"
I said well, there's tuna, I know
She said "That went bad a week ago!"
I said is the chili okay?
She said "you finished that yesterday!"
I hopped up and I said
I don't know, do you want to get something delivered?
She's like "why would I want to eat liver?
I don't even like liver!"
I'm like no, I said 'delivered'
She's like "I heard you say liver!"
I'm like I should know what I said
She's like "whatever, I just don't want any liver!"
Well I was gonna say something
But my cell phone started to ring
Now who could be callin' me?
Well I checked my caller ID
It was just cousin Larry
Callin' for the third time today
My wife said "Let it go to voicemail"
I said okay
Where were we? Oh, Dinner, Right
So what d'ya want to do?
She said "why don't you whip up somethin in the kitchen?"
Yeah, I said why don't you?
And then she said "baby, can't we just go out to dinner, please?"
I says no
She says "yes"
I says no
She says "yes"
I says no
She says "yes
Oh, here's your keys"
I step a little bit closer
Say okay, where ya want to go?
She says "how about The Ivy?"
I said yeah, well I don't know
I don't feel like gettin all dressed up
And eatin' expensive food
She's says "Olive Garden?"
I say nah, I'm not in the mood
And Burrito King would make me gassy
There's no doubt
She says "Just forget about it"
I said no, I swear I'm gonna take you out!
Then I get an idea
I says I know what we'll do!
She says "What?"
I say, guess?
She says "What?"
I say we're goin' to the drive-thru!
So we head out the front door
Open the garage door
Then I open the car doors
And we get in those car doors
Put my key in the ignition
And then I turn it sideways
Then we fasten our seat belts
As we pull out the driveway
Then we drive to the drive-thru
Heading off to the drive-thru
We're approaching the drive-thru
Getting close to the drive-thru!
Almost there at the drive-thru
Now we're here at the drive thru
Here in line at the drive-thru
Did I mention the drive-thru?
Well here we are
In the drive-thru line, me and her
Cars in front of us, cars in back of us
All just waiting to order
There's some idiot in a Volvo
With his brights on behind me
I lean out the window and scream
Hey, Whatcha tryin to do, blind me?
My wife says "maybe we should park
We could just go eat inside"
I said I'm wearin' bunny slippers
So I ain't leavin' this ride
Now a woman on a speaker box
Is sayin' "Can I take your order, please?"
I said yes indeed, you certainly can
We'd like two hamburgers with onions and cheese
Then my wife says
"Baby, hold on, I've changed my mind!
I think I'm gonna have a chicken sandwich
Instead, this time"
I said you always get a cheeseburger!
She says "That's not what I'm hungry for"
I put my head in my hands and screamed,
I don't know who you are anymore!
The voice on the speaker says
"I don't have all day!"
I said, then, take our order,
And we'll be on our way!
I wanna get a chicken sandwich
And I want a cheeseburger, too
She's like "you want onions on that?"
I'm like, yeah, I already said that I do
Plus we need curly fries
And don't you dare forget it!
And two medium root beers
No, just one, we'll split it"
Then I said I'm guessin' that
You're probably not too bright
So read me back my order
Let's make sure you got it right
She says "one, you want a chicken sandwich
Two, you want a cheeseburger
Three, curly fries, and a large root beer"
Stop, don't go no further!
I never ordered a large rootbeer
I said medium, not large!
Then she says "we're havin' a special,
I supersized you at no charge"
"Oh" and that's all
I could say, was "Oh"
And she says "now there is somethin' else
That I really think you should know
You can have unlimited refills
For just a quarter more"
I say, great, except we're in the drive thru
So what would I want that for?
Then she says "Wait a minute
Your voice sounds so familiar hey, is this Paul?
And my wife is all like "no, that ain't Paul,
Now tell me, who's this Paul?
She says "Oh, he's just some guy
Who goes to school with me
I sat behind him last year
And I copied off him in Geometry
I said I know a guy named Paul
He used to be my plumber
He was prematurely bald
And he moved to Pittsburgh last summer
He also had bladder problems
And a really bad infection on his toe
And she said "Mister, please, you can stop right there,
That's way more than I needed to know!"
And then we both were quiet
And things got real intense
Then she says "next window please,
That'll be five dollars and eighty two cents"
So we inched ahead in line
Movin' painfully slow
I got a little bored
So I turned on the radio
Click, turned it off
Because my wife was getting a headache
So we both just sat there quietly
For her sake
Then I looked at her
And she looked back at me
And I said umm,
I think you have somethin' in your teeth
She turned away from me
And then turned back and said "did I get it?"
I said yeah well, I mean, most of it
But hey, ya know, don't sweat it
Then she said "how about now?"
I said yeah, almost
There's still a little bit there
But don't worry, it's probably just a piece of toast"
Now we're at the pay window
Or whatever you call it
Put my hand in my pocket
I can't believe there's no wallet!
And the lady at the window's like,
"Well, well, well, that'll be five eighty two"
I turn around to my wife, and say
How much have you got on you?
She just rolls her eyes and says
"I'll pay for this, I guess"
So she reaches into her purse
And pulls out the American Express
I hand it to the lady
And she says "oh, dear
It's gotta be cash only
We don't take credit cards here"
I took back the card and said
Gee, really? Well that sucks
And that's when I found out
My wife was only carryin' three bucks
I said I thought you were
Going to hit the ATM today
She says "I never got around to it
So where's your wallet anyway?
And I said never mind,
Just help me to find some change
Now the lady at the window
Is lookin' at me kinda strange
And she says "Mister, please,
We gotta move this line along"
I said now hold your stinkin' horses lady,
We won't be long
So, we looked around inside the glove-box
And check the mat beneath my feet
I found a nickel in the ashtray
And a couple pennies and a dime in the space between he seats
Before long I had a little pile
Of coins of every sort
The lady counts it up and says
"You're still about a dollar short"
And now my woman's got this weird look
Frozen on her face
She screams, "you know
I wasn't even really hungry in the first place"
And so I turned around
To the cashier again
I shrugged and said okay
Forget the chicken sandwich then
So I pick up my change
Pick up my receipt
And I drive to the pickup window
Man, I just can't wait to eat
And now we see this acne ridden
Kid about sixteen
Wearin' a dorky name tag that says
"Hello, my name is Eugene"
And he hands me a paper bag
I look him in the eyes
And I say to him, hey, Eugene,
Could I get some ketchup for my fries?
Well he looks at me
And I look at him
And he looks at me
And I look at him
And he looks at me
And I look at him
And he says "I'm sorry
What did you want again?"
I say ketchup!
And he says "oh yeah, that's right
I just spaced out there for a second
I'm really kind of burnt tonight"
And then he hands me the ketchup
And now we're finally drivin' away
And the food is drivin' me mad
With its intoxicating bouquet
I'm starvin' to death
By the time we pull up at the traffic light
I say, baby, gimme that burger,
I just gotta have a bite!
So she reaches in the bag
And pulls out the burger
And she hands me the burger
And I pick up the burger
And then I unwrap the paper
I bite into those buns
And I just can't believe it
They forgot the onions!

Once in awhile, maybe you will feel the urge
To break international copyright law
By downloading MP3s from file-sharing sites
Like Morpheus, or Grokster, or LimeWire, or Kazaa
But deep in your heart, you know the guilt would drive you mad
And the shame would leave a permanent scar
'Cause you start out stealing songs, then you're robbing liquor stores
And selling crack and running over school kids with your car
So don't download this song
The record store's where you belong
Go and buy the CD like you know that you should
Oh, don't download this song
Oh, you don't want to mess with the R-I-double-A
They'll sue you if you burn that CD-R
It doesn't matter if you're a grandma or a seven-year-old girl
They'll treat you like the evil, hard bitten, criminal scum you are
So don't download this song
Don't go pirating music all day long
Go and buy the CD like you know that you should
Oh, don't download this song
Don't take away money
From artists just like me
How else can I afford another solid gold Humvee?
And diamond-studded swimming pools
These things don't grow on trees
So all I ask is everybody please
Don't download this song (don't do it, no, no)
Even Lars Ulrich knows it's wrong (you can just ask him)
Go and buy the CD like you know that you should (you really should)
Oh, don't download this song
Don't download this song (oh, please don't you do it or you)
Might wind up in jail like Tommy Chong (remember Tommy)
Go and buy the CD (right now)
Like you know that you should (go out and buy it)
Oh, don't download this song
Don't download this song (no, no, no, no, no, no)
Or you'll burn in hell before too long (and you deserve it)
Go and buy the CD (just buy it)
Like you know that you should (you cheap bastard)

My mama told me when I was hatched
Act like a superstar
Save your allowance, buy a bubble dress
And someday you will go far
Now on red carpets, well, I'm hard to miss
The press follows everywhere I go
I'll poke your eye out with a dress like this
Back off and enjoy the show!
I'm sure my critics will say it's a grotesque display
Well they can bite me, baby, I perform this way
I might be wearin' Swiss cheese or maybe covered with bees
It doesn't mean I'm crazy, I perform this way ('from this way)
Ooh, my little monsters pay lots 'cause I perform this way
Baby, I perform this way (perform this way)
Ooh, don't worry, I'm okay, hey, I just perform this way
I'm not crazy, I perform this way
I'll be a troll or evil queen
I'll be a human jelly bean
'Cause every day is Halloween for me
I'm so completely original
My new look is all the rage
I'll wrap my small intestines 'round my neck
And set fire to myself on stage
I'll wear a porcupine on my head
On a W-H-I-M
And for no reason now I'll sing in French
Excusez-moi, qui a PT (express yourself)
Got my straight jacket today, its made of gold lame
No, not because I'm crazy, I perform this way
I strap prime rib to my feet, cover myself with raw meat
I'll bet you've never seen a skirt steak worn this way
Don't be offended when you see
My latest pop monstrosity
I'm strange, weird, shocking, odd, bizarre
I'm Frankenstein, I'm Avatar
There's nothing too embarrassing
I'll honestly do anything
But wear white after Labor Day
'Cause baby, I perform this way
Hope you won't think it's cliche if I go nude today
Don't call the cops, now, baby, I perform this way
No reason I should regret all the attention I get
I'm not completely crazy, I perform this way, yeah
I perform this way-hey, I perform this way-hey
I'm always deviating from the norm this way-hey
I perform this way-hey, I perform this way-hey
I'm really not insane, I just perform this way-hey

Charles Nelson Reilly was a mighty man
The kind of man you'd never disrespect
He stood eight feet tall, wore glasses
And he had a third nipple on the back of his neck
He ate his own weight in coal, and excreted diamonds everyday
He could throw you down a flight of stairs
But you still would love him anyway
Yeah, you know you'd love him anyway, oh
Charles Nelson Reilly won the Tour de France
With two flat tires and a missing chain
He trained a rattlesnake to do his laundry
I'm telling you the man was insane
He could rip out your beating heart
And show it to you right before you died
Everyday he'd make the host of Match Game
Give him a piggyback ride
Yeah, two hour piggyback ride, giddy up Gene
The ninja warrior, master of disguise
He could melt your brain with his laser-beam eyes, oh yeah
Oh yeah
He had his own line at the DMV
He made sweet, sweet love to a manatee
Oh yeah
Oh yeah, that was something to see, I tell ya
Charles Nelson Reilly sold his toenail clippings
As a potent aphrodisiac
He ran a four minute mile blindfolded
With an engine block strapped to his back
He could eat more frozen waffles
Then any other man I know
Once he fell off the Chrysler building
And he barely even stubbed his toe
Had a tiny little scratch on his toe
Didn't even hurt
Charles Nelson Reilly figured out cold fusion
But he never ever told a soul
I've seen the man unhinge his jaw
And swallow a Volkswagen whole
He'd bash your face in with a shovel
If you didn't treat him like a star
You could spit at the wind, or tug at Superman's cape
But Lord knows you don't mess around with CNR
No, no, no
Talkin' about CNR

You're sort of famous
A minor celebrity
And so it only makes sense
The world would be
Obsessed with every
Single thing you do
They're running 'round
With their camcorders in the night
They're lurking patiently
And hoping that they just might
See something real embarrassing
You do
The bad hair day and sweat-stained t-shirts
That's the story that
They are gonna feature
With exclusive pics
Of your flabby behind
You think you're all alone
But that's right when you'll find
A bunch of paparazzi
Popping out of nowhere
Cameras in your face
And then suddenly
You're on TMZ
You're on TMZ
Following you
When you're walking down the street
And asking stupid questions
While you're trying to eat
So you cover your face
Thinking to yourself
"Hey, isn't this creepy?"
And they're out there praying
You'll have a big meltdown
And take them on a little car chase
Through this whole town
They'll be there with you
When you're going to jail
First on the scene
For every wardrobe fail
You just picked up some transvestite
Seconds later
It's up on the website
Get a Vegas wedding
A quickie divorce
And they'll be
Sneaking in
Snapping pictures, of course
And if they ever catch you
Picking your nose
Or storming down the street
On a drunken spree
You're on TMZ
Stalking you
Just waiting by a front door
Trailing you through
Airport security
They were TMZ
They were TMZ
We caught this Oscar nominee picking up dog poop
Is that a baby bump?
I pronounce you guilty, of leaving the house while fat
Look who's drinking coffee
Everything celebrities do is fascinating
Oh, let me tell you
It's getting to the point
Where a famous person can't
Even get a D.U.I
Or go on a racist rant
Those guys are all around
So you really shouldn't dare
Go to every club in town
If you've lost your underwear
Seems that every single time
A star decides to shave their head
Or ram their car into a tree
They're on TMZ
If they catch you peeing in the bushes
Later on, that night
Well, I guarantee
You're on TMZ

I starred in every high school play
Blew every drama teacher away
I graduated first in my class at Juilliard
Took every acting workshop I could
And I dreamed of Hollywood
While I read my Uta Hagen and studied the Bard
Hit the boards and paid my dues
And got phenomenal rave reviews
I knew the world was gonna love me, without a doubt
I was sure that Tarantino would be callin' me on the phone
Annie Leibovitz would shoot me for Rolling Stone
But the years have come and gone
And I'm sorry to say that's not the way that it's all worked out
I'm a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride
Skipper Dan is the name
And I'm doin' 34 shows every day
And every time it's the same
Look at those hippos, they're wigglin' their ears
Just like they've done for the last 50 years
Now I'm laughin' at my own jokes but I'm cryin' inside
Cause I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride
Oh, the critics, they used to say
I was the new Olivier
Thought I'd be the toast of Sundance or maybe Cannes
Aw, but don't bother tryin' to IMDB me
The only place you might possibly see me
Is ridin' my little boat around Adventureland
It ain't exactly what I planned
But I'm a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride
Skipper Dan is the name
And I'm doin 34 shows every day
And every time it's the same
I would've killed if I'd been in "Speed The Plow"
But what's the difference, that's all behind me now
Cause I'm payin' the rent and I'm swallowin my pride
And I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride
I should be there on Broadway
Knockin' 'em dead in "12 Angry Men"
But instead I'm here tellin' these lame jokes
Again and again and again and again and again and again and again
Bengal Tigers can jump over 20 feet!
That's an African bull elephant
And there it is, the backside of water!
What have I done with my life?!
I should a listened when my grandfather said
"Why don't you major in business instead?"
Now my hopes have all vanished and my dreams have all died
And I'll probably work forever as a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride
Skipper Dan is the name
And I'm doin' 34 shows every day
And every time it's the same
Look at those hippos, they're wigglin their ears
Somebody shoot me cause I'm bored to tears
Always said I'd be famous... I guess that I lied
Cause I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride
I'm still workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride

You've got a '65 Chevy Malibu
With automatic drive
A custom paint job, too
I'll trade you for my old wheelbarrow
And a slightly used sombrero
And I'll even throw in a stapler, if you insist
Craigslist!
I'm on Craiglist, baby, come on!
Yeah
Well, we shared a quick glance
Saturday at the mall
I never took a chance
Never approached you at all
You were a blonde half-Asian with a bad case of gas
I was wearin' red Speedos and a hockey mask
Come on, let's find that love connection that we missed
On Craigslist!
Yeah, Craigslist, come on!
I'm on Craigslist
Oh, baby, maybe you are too!
Be bom ba chomb cadonk bin bam boo!
An open letter to the snotty barista
At the Coffee Bean on San Vacente Boulevard:
I know there were twenty people behind me in line
But I was on a cell phone call with my mother
Didn't you see me hold up my index finger?
That means, "I'll order my soy decaf hazelnut latte in just a couple minutes"
So, what's with the attitude, lady?
No tip for you!
Got a trash can of Styrofoam peanuts
You can have 'em for free
You can drop by on the weekend
And pick 'em up from me
But the trash can ain't part of the deal
Only givin' you the peanuts
Get real!
Don't have no Hefty bag, so bring your own
Don't bug me with questions on the phone
Don't ask for help, don't waste my time
And don't complain, 'cause they won't cost you a dime
Just ask yourself:
Do you want my Styrofoam peanuts?
You can have my Styrofoam peanuts
Do you want my Styrofoam peanuts?
You can have them all

I moved out to Langley recently
With a plain and simple dream
Wanna infiltrate some third-world place
And topple their regime
Those men in black with their matching suitcases
Where everything's on a need-to-know basis
Agents got that swagger
Everyone so cloak and dagger
I'm feelin' nervous but I'm really kinda wishing
For an undercover mission
That's when the red alert came on the radio
And I put my earpiece on
Got my dark sunglasses on
And I had my weapon drawn
So I get my handcuffs
My cyanide pills
My classified dossier
Tappin' the phones like yeah
Shreddin' the files like yeah
And then I rised all the enemy spies
I've got to neutralize today
Yeah, it's a party in the CIA
Yeah, it's a party in the CIA
I've done a couple of crazy things
That have almost gotten me dismissed
Like terminate some head of state
Who wasn't even on my list
Burn that microfilm buddy, will you
I'd tell you why but then I'd have to kill you
You need a quickie confession?
Well, start a water boarding session
No hurry on the south American dictator
I'll assassinate him later
That's when he walked right in my laser sights
And my silencer was on and my silencer was on
And another target's gone
Yeah, we've got our black ops all over the world
From Kazakhstan to Bombay
Payin' the bribes like yeah
Pluggin' the leaks like yeah
Interrogating the scum of the earth
We'll break them by the break of day!
Yeah, it's a party in the CIA
Yeah, it's a party in the CIA
Need a country to stabilize? (stabilize)
Look no further, we're your guys (we're your guys)
We've got snazzy suits and ties (suits and ties)
And a better dental plan than the FBI's
Better put your hands up and get in the van
Or else you'll get blown away
Stagin' a coup like yeah
Brainwashin' moles like yeah,
We only torture the folks we don't like
You're probably going to be OK
Yeah, it's a party in the CIA

Once, not very long ago I was respected,
I was popular (popular).
But now I hang my head in shame.
My life is filled with such regret,
Of that mistake, I can't forget.
And now I'll never be the same!
Ringtone!
Why did I buy this stupid ringtone!
I just can't imagine now what I was thinking at all (what was I thinking).
My friends all stare at me,
Whenever I get a call.
Well everybody (everybody),
Everybody (everybody),
Everybody in the world really hates my ringtone!
When my phone goes off at work,
I look like the biggest jerk.
Total strangers want to slap me around.
When its ringing on the terrace,
My neighbors get embarrassed.
They're beggin' me to move out of town.
Well it made my wife so sick,
She smashed my iPhone with a brick.
But I had it fixed and now its just fine.
Its a pain, I sure don't need it,
And I probably should delete it,
But for me that would be crossing the line.
'Cause I hate to waste a buck 99.
Hey! I paid good money for this Ringtone!
Why did I buy this stupid ringtone!
I just can't imagine now what I was thinking at all (really what was I thinking).
My friends all stare at me,
Whenever I get a call.
Well everybody (everybody),
Everybody (everybody),
Everybody in the world really hates my ringtone!
Ringtone!
Ringtone!
Ahhh!
Chinese factory workers (they hate my ringtone),
Muslim women in Burqas (really hate my ringtone),
Starvin' kids in Angola (they hate my ringtone),
Even folks with Ebola (just hate my ringtone).
All the nuns and nannies (all the welfare mothers),
All the Pakistanis (all the Wayans brothers),
Everyone on the land, Everyone on the sea,
Every single person everywhere unanimously.

Beautiful tats
All over my back
Makes me so proud
I'm gonna shout it out loud
I got another tattoo baby
Yeah another tattoo baby
(A-noth-noth-nother tattoo)
(Noth noth nother tattoo)
No part of me is blank I'm really ink obsessed
It's like an art show the moment that I get undressed
At every job interview they're just so impressed
'Cause I got all my ex-wives' names on my chest
Over here is Clay Aiken, there's a side of bacon
And I'm in a torpedo fighting with Satan
Next to hello kitty and a zombie ice skating and wait
It's Ronald Reagan
I got these dragons, I got these dolphins
All inscribed on me indelibly
I've had bad reactions, bad infections
Even Hepatitis C
My friends think that I need therapy
Maybe some laser surgery
For the flaming goat skull on my knee
Knee (knee) knee (knee) knee, hey
Beautiful tats (yeah) all over my back (all over)
And I've got some space here on the side of my face here
For another tattoo baby
(A-noth-noth-nother tattoo babe no-nother tattoo)
Another tattoo baby
(A-noth-noth-nother tattoo babe no-nother tattoo)
No I'm not high (high)
I'm really OK (OK)
I just love these scribbles (ha ha) that won't go away
I got another tattoo baby
(A-noth-noth-nother tattoo babe no-nother tattoo)
Another tattoo baby
(A-noth-noth-nother tattoo babe no-nother tattoo)
Yeah
Yes there were a few
I got from a losing a bet
I misspelled a word or two
Still there's nothing I regret
My shopping trips are no sweat
There's never stuff I forget
Check out this rad Boba Fett
He's playing clarinet
Beautiful tats (yeah) all over my back (all over)
And what the heck (ha ha)
There's still room on my neck
I'll get another tattoo baby
(A-noth-noth-nother tattoo babe no-nother tattoo)
Another tattoo baby
(A-noth-noth-nother tattoo babe no-nother tattoo)
I don't know why (why)
But every day (day)
Whenever folks see me
They just back away
I got another tattoo
(A-noth-noth-nother tattoo babe no-nother tattoo)
Another tattoo baby
(A-noth-noth-nother tattoo babe no-nother tattoo)
Yeah
D'ow
Deh, OK right there by my elbow, you see?
Yeah I got a couple of square inches left
Maybe a squid or a tarantula or something
I dunno surprise me
D'ow

I'm your shelter from the storm
You'll know I'll always have your back
I'll even let you warm your freezing hands inside my butt crack
I never get out my leaf blower when Oprah is on
And when you're telling me about your feelings I try not to yawn
And when we're at parties I don't talk about your spastic bladder
When you're cleaning the gutters on the roof I hold the ladder
And if that isn't love
If that isn't love
If that isn't love
I don't know what love is
Nanananananana nanananano i guess i don't know
Nanananananana
Ahhhh listen now
There's a microscopic bit of milk left in the refrigerator
I coulda finished it off but i quit in case you want a tiny little sip for later
And if you cut the cheese then maybe i'll wink and say the dog's to blame
And i'll make sure to call you baby everytime i forget your name
I'll even tell you girl when you start looking fat
'Cuz all your so-called friends will probably neglect to mention that
And if that isn't love
If that isn't love
If that isn't love
I don't know what love is
Nanananananana nananana well then I don't know
Nananannananna
Oh no
Even though you make me sit through Mamma Mia!
Well I still adore you
I'll kiss you even if you have omelettes for breakfast
And i can't stand omelettes
After I take a bath
If its still warm i'll leave the water in there for you
I'll give you my word
You're so beautiful you make a glorious sunset look like a big fat turd
Everytime I see you trying to lift some really heavy thing
You can always count on me to help by saying something encouraging
If you get drunk and pass out i'll never sharpie up your face
And I don't wipe my nose on your couch even though that's a super convenient place
I totally support every idiotic thing you do
And i almost never pretend you're someone else when i'm making out with you
And if that isn't love
If that isn't love
If that isn't love
I don't know what love is
Nanananananana no i don't know what love is
Nanananananana well I don't know what love is
Nanananananana I don't know what love is

Hey girl, you know, our economy's in the toilet
But I'm still gonna treat you right
I said you can have whatever you like, you like
I said you can have whatever you like, you like
Yeah
Tater Tots, Cold Duck on ice
And we can clip coupons all night
And baby you can have whatever you like, you like
I said you can have whatever you like, you like
Yeah
Take you out for dinner anywhere that you please
Like Burger King or Mickey D's
And baby you can have whatever you like, you like
I said you can even have the large fries, large fries
Yeah
Baby, you should know I am really quite a sweet guy
When I buy you bathroom tissue, I always get the 2-ply
Want it, you can get it, my dear
I got my Costco membership card right here
Yeah you like Top Ramen, need Top Ramen?
Got a cupboard full of 'em, I'll keep 'em comin'
You want it, I got it, go get it, just heat it
Dump the flavor packet on it and eat it
Pork and beans and Minute Rice
And we can play cribbage all night
And baby you can have whatever you like, you like
I said you can have whatever you like, you like
Yeah, yeah
I can take you to the Laundromat downtown
And watch all the clothes go 'round and 'round
And baby we can go wherever you like, you like
I said we can go wherever you like, you like
Yeah, yeah
Hottest shorty I know, if you had some Lipo
You could be second runner-up Miss Ohio
Seven dollar bills rolled up inside my plastic billfold
Buy you a bagel even if it isn't day old
And you never ever gotta wear your sister's old clothes
Long as I'm still assistant manager at Kinko's
Cut your hair with scissors and a soup bowl
You ain't gotta pay me, that's the way that I roll
My chick can have what she want
At Wal-Mart she can pick out anything she want
I know girl, you ain't never had a man like that
Who doesn't make you buy generic brand like that
Yeah you like my Hyundai, see my Hyundai?
I can take you to see your cousin Phil next Sunday
But that's kinda far and I'm not made of cash
Do you think you could chip in for gas?
Mac and cheese would be all right
But let's send out for pizza tonight
And you can order any toppings you like, you like
I said you can even have the last slice, last slice
Yeah, yeah
Ran myself a cable from my neighbor next door (door)
Now I can get free HBO
And baby you can watch whatever you like, you like
I said you can watch whatever you like, you like
Yeah
And you can always ride the city bus
Got a stack of tokens just for us
Yo, my wallet's fat and full of ones
Yeah, it's all about the Washingtons, that's right
You want White Castle, need White Castle?
Long as you got me it won't be no hassle
You want it, well get it, just don't be a hater
If I grab a bunch of napkins for later
Thrift store jeans, on sale half price
The underwear at Goodwill is nice
And baby you can have whatever you like, you like
I said you can have whatever you like, you like
Yeah
Baby I can give you anything you please
Even share my government cheese
And baby you can have as much as you like, you like
I said you can go have as much as you like, you like
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Oh, the sand keeps fallin' through the hourglass
There's no way you're gonna slow it down
You say, "We gotta treasure each moment
Who knows how long we're gonna be around?"
Yeah, you keep on telling me life is short
And it's hard to disagree with what you say
But if time is so precious, why you wastin' mine?
'Cause I'm always reading, always deleting
Every useless piece of garbage that you send my way
Every stupid hoax, all those corny jokes
Stop forwarding that crap to me
Well, I don't need tons of cringe inducing puns
Stop forwarding that crap to me
No, it isn't okay if you brighten my day
With some cut and pasted, hackneyed Hallmark poetry
And I didn't request a personality test
Stop forwarding that crap to me
You're sending virus-laden, bandwidth-hogging attachments
To every single person you know
You're passin' 'round a link to some dumb thing on YouTube
That everybody else already saw 3 years ago
And wacky, badly photoshopped billboards were never that amusing to me
And I just can't believe you believe those urban legends
But I have high hopes someone'll point you towards Snopes
And debunk that crazy junk you're spewing constantly
No, I don't want a bowl of Chicken Soup for the Soul
Stop forwarding that crap to me
Send more top ten lists and I'll slash my wrists
Stop forwarding that crap to me
Well, I'm sorry I can't accept your paranoid rant
And I don't want the Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe
Won't you kindly refrain, 'cause it's hurting my brain
Stop forwarding that crap to me
Like glittery hearts and unicorns and pictures of somebody's cat
Now tell me
In what alternate reality would I care about something like that?
And by the way
Your quotes from George Carlin aren't really George Carlin
Mr. Rogers never fought the Viet Cong
And Bill Gates is never gonna give me something for nothing
And I highly doubt some dead girl's gonna
Kill me if I don't pass your letter along
Well, now I know you're wishin' I'll sign your petition
But stop forwarding that crap to me
And I don't wanna read your series of conspiracy theories
Just stop forwarding that crap to me
And your 2 million loser friends all have my address now
'Cause you never figured out the way to BCC
Now, I gotta insist
Take me off of your list
Stop forwarding that crap to me
Just stop it now (Stop forwarding that crap to me)
Oh, no, whoa (Stop forwarding that crap to me)
I can't take it (Stop forwarding that crap to me)
Ah, please (Stop forwarding that crap to me)
You gotta stop (Stop forwarding that crap to me)
Right now (Stop forwarding that crap to me)
I'm not kidding (Stop forwarding that crap to me)
At the risk of being slightly
Repetitious gonna ask you now to stop (Stop)
Sending me that (Crap)
I don't want it
Don't send it to me
Don't send it to me

First things first, I'm a craftsman (craftsman)
Remodeling is my only passion (it's my passion)
And I'm the greatest in the business, want referrals, yo
My clientèle will bear you witness (right, right)
I can help when your door jamb sticks (heh?)
There is nothing in the world I can't fix (yeah)
I do tiles, I do stone, I do bricks
Call me, I'll come rushing over with my bag of tricks (bag of tricks)
Where you go when your disposal is rusted? (Rusted)
Termite problem making you disgusted (yuck)
When your front window is busted
Just one man that's always trusted
I'm so handy, you already know
I'll fix your plumbing when your toilets overflow
I'm so handy, I'll bring you up to code
When your dishwasher's about to explode
Now you see that your furnace is needing some service
I'm fully bonded, no need to be nervous
Perhaps you would like a new counter Formica
Maybe I'll hook up your dishwasher combo dryer
But all your pipes are antique
Your water pressure's too weak
You got an attic full of dry rot
Because your roof sprung a leak
Your fridge is starting to reek
Your hardwood floors really squeak
But don't you worry I'll just show you my amazing technique
Now let me glue that, glue that and screw that, screw that
Any random chore you got, well I can do that, do that
Or maybe I'll just rewire your house for fun
I got 99 problems but a switch ain't one
I'm so handy, everyone said so
I'll grout your bathroom, resurface your patio
I'm so handy, I'm the guy to know
When your leaf blower doesn't blow
Patch the drywall, clean your gutters and mow the lawn
Make that phone call, I'll install anything you want
Yeah, check my big staple gun, my socket wrenches are second to none
I won't quit 'til I'm done, don't even care if I hammer my thumb (ow)
Still rocking my screwdriver
Got the whole world thinking I'm MacGyver
Your heating bills are shocking
I can solve that with some duct tape and some caulking
Your house is a disaster, huh?
Need a guy whose a master with the plaster, huh?
Let me be your stripper
Taking off lacquer, no one does it quicker
I'm so handy, you already know
I'll beat all price quotes, my hourly rates are low
I'm so handy, you should call this pro
I'm in the phone book and se habla español

One time I was in the checkout line
Behind Steven Seagal
Once I'm pretty sure Mr. Jonah Hill
Was in the very next bathroom stall
My best friend's brother
Well, he was an extra in Wayne's World 2
My neighbour's baby sitter
Dated three of the guys in Motley Crue
I swear Jack Nicholson
Looked right at me at a Laker's game
I got a lame
Lame claim to fame
Check it out, I bought a second hand toaster
From a guy who says he knows Brad Pitt
I got me an email from the prince of Nigeria
Well, he sure sounded legit
My sister used to take piano lessons
From the second cousin of Ralph Nader
Last year I threw up in an elevator
Next to Christian Slater
Well guess what, my birthday and Kim Kardashian's
Are exactly the same
I got a lame
Lame claim to fame
A really lame
Lame claim to fame
Once at a party, my dentist accidentally
Sneezed on Russell Crowe
I posted first in the comments
On a YouTube video
I tried to sit by Steve Buscemi
But he told me this seat's taken
I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy
Who know a guy who knows a guy who know Kevin Bacon
I had a car that used to belong
To Cuba Gooding Jr.'s uncle
A friend of mine in high school
Had jury duty with Art Garfunkel
One time I was staying in the same hotel
As Zoey Deschanel
I used the same napkin dispenser
As Steve Carell at a Taco Bell
I don't mean to brag but
Paul Giamatti's plumber knows me by name
I got a lame
Lame claim to fame
A really lame
Lame claim to fame
I got a lame
Lame claim to fame
A really, really, really lame
Lame claim to fame
Ow, let's get lame boys

I never seem to finish all my food
So I always gets doggy bag from the waiter
So I just keep what's still unchewed
And I take it home, save it for later
But then I deal with fungal rot, bacterial formation
Microbes, enzymes, mould and oxidation
I don't care, I've got a secret trick up my sleeve
I never bother with baggies, glass jars, tupperware containers
Plastic cling wrap, really a no-brainer
I just like to keep all my flavours sealed in tight
With aluminum foil (foil)
Never settle for less
That kind of wrap is just the best
To keep your sandwich nice and fresh
Stick it in your cooler (cooler)
Eat it when you're ready
But maybe you'll choose (you'll choose, you'll choose, you'll choose)
A refreshing herbal tea
Mmm, lovely!
Oh, by the way, I've cracked the code
I've figured out these shadow organizations
And the Illuminati know
That they're finally primed for world domination
And soon you've got black helicopters comin' cross the border
Puppet masters for the New World Order
Be aware: there's always someone that's watching you
And still the government won't admit they faked the whole moon landing
Thought control rays, psychotronic scanning
Don't mind that, I'm protected cause I made this hat
From aluminum foil (foil)
Wear a hat that's foil lined
In case an alien's inclined
To probe your butt or read your mind
Looks a bit peculiar ('culiar)
Seems a little crazy
But someday I'll prove (I'll prove, I'll prove, I'll prove)
There's a big conspiracy

our sports team is vastly inferior
That simple fact is plainly obvious to see
We’re gonna kick your collective posterior
Of course you realize we’re speaking figuratively
Our stats are thoroughly impressive
Our coach really has the Midas touch
Our players are fast and strong and brave
And your guys, eh, not so much

In fact we’ve played teams across the nation
And you’re the worst one we’ve come across
Try to assimilate that information
And it just might help you cope with your impending loss
Oh, and if somehow we are still failing
To effectively articulate the points at hand
Allow us now to summarize them in a manner
That your feeble brains can understand

We’re great (We’re great)
And you suck (You suck)
We’re great (We’re great)
And you suck (You suck)
We’re great (We’re great)
And you suck (You suck)
You see there’s us (We’re great)
And then there’s you (You suck)
We’re really, really great (Really great)
In contrast, you really suck (Really suck)
Okay, full disclosure, we’re not that great
But nevertheless, you suck

Your sports team will soon suffer swift defeat
That theory’s backed by empirical evidence
We’re gonna grind up your guys into burger meat
Again, of course, we’re speaking in the figurative sense
What’s the use of even going through the motions
When you know that you’re gonna lose anyhow
So why don’t you save us all some time
And give up now (You suck!)

If you can't write in the proper way
If you don't know how to conjugate
Maybe you flunked that class
And maybe now you find
That people mock you online
Okay, now here's the deal
I'll try to educate ya
Gonna familiarize
You with the nomenclature
You'll learn the definitions
Of nouns and prepositions
Literacy's your mission
And that's why I think it's a
Good time
To learn some grammar
Now, did I stammer
Work on that grammar
You should know when
It's "less" or it's "fewer"
Like people who were
Never raised in a sewer
I hate these word crimes
Like I could care less
That means you do care
At least a little
Don't be a moron
You'd better slow down
And use the right pronoun
Show the world you're no clown
Everybody wise up!
Say you got an "I", "T"
Followed by apostrophe, "s"
Now what does that mean?
You would not use "it's" in this case
As a possessive
It's a contraction
What's a contraction?
Well, it's the shortening of a word, or a group of words
By the omission of a sound or letter
Okay, now here's some notes
Syntax you're always mangling
No "x" in "espresso"
Your participle's danglin'
But I don't want your drama
If you really wanna
Leave out that Oxford comma
Just keep in mind
That "be", "see", "are", "you"
Are words, not letters
Get it together
Use your spellchecker
You should never
Write words using numbers
Unless you're seven
Or your name is Prince
I hate these word crimes
You really need a
Full time proofreader
You dumb mouth-breather
Well, you should hire
Some cunning linguist
To help you distinguish
What is proper English
One thing I ask of you
Time to learn your homophones is past due
Learn to diagram a sentence too
Always say "to whom"
Don't ever say "to who"
And listen up when I tell you this
I hope you never use quotation marks for emphasis
You finished second grade
I hope you can tell
If you're doing good or doing well
About better figure out the difference
Irony is not coincidence
And I thought that you'd gotten it through your skull
What's figurative and what's literal
Oh but, just now, you said
You literally couldn't get out of bed
That really makes me want to literally
Smack a crowbar upside your stupid head
I read your e-mail
It's quite apparent
Your grammar's errant
You're incoherent
Saw your blog post
It's really fantastic
That was sarcastic (Oh, psych!)
'Cause you write like a spastic
I hate these Word Crimes
Your prose is dopey
Think you should only
Write in emoji
Oh, you're a lost cause
Go back to pre-school
Get out of the gene pool
Try your best to not drool
Never mind I give up
Really now I give up
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
Go away!

I saw a baby drive a truck
I saw a junkie eat a tuba
I saw a stripper kiss a duck
Behind a dumpster in Aruba
I saw this fat, psychotic guy
His underwear was made of crickets
He pawned a skeleton to buy
Some old expired lotto tickets
I saw a naked vagrant giving
Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to his cat
I probably could have gone my whole life
Without seeing that
With my own eyes
I see things that'd drive a normal man insane
Wish I could disconnect my brain
From my own eyes
I saw a mime get hacked to death
With an imaginary cleaver
I saw an old man's final breath
I watched him die from Bieber Fever
I saw these diabetic chicks
In an abandoned 7-Eleven
I watched them snorting pixie sticks
While they were belching Stairway To Heaven
I saw two drag queens trying to see how many crackers
They could shove up each other's nose
I'd like to erase my mind completely but I suppose
That's just the way it goes
With my own eyes
I see things that'd drive a normal man insane
Wish I could disconnect my brain
From my own eyes (my own eyes)
Those visions haunt my memory
Oh, there's so much I wish I could unsee
With my own eyes
Some priest got drunk and stole a circus zebra
And he trained it to massage his back
My guinea pig committed hara-kiri
So we used him to play Hacky Sack
My neighbor's kids sold weapons-grade plutonium
And frosty ice-cold lemonade
They took MasterCard and sometimes
Human organs in trade, that's how we paid
I have to say that it was really darn good lemonade
With my own eyes
I've seen thing that'd drive a normal man insane
Wish I could disconnect my brain
From my own eyes (my own eyes)
Those visions haunt my memory
Oh, there's so much I wish I could unsee
With my own eyes

We must all efficiently
Operationalize our strategies
Invest in world-class technology
And leverage our core competencies
In order to holistically administrate
Exceptional synergy
We'll set a brand trajectory
Using management's philosophy
Advance our market share vis-à-vis
Our proven methodology
With strong commitment to quality
Effectively enhancing corporate synergy
Transitioning our company
By awareness of functionality
Promoting viability
Providing our supply chain with diversity (-versity, ooooh)
We will distill our identity
Through client-centric solutions
And synergy
(Oooooh oooh oooh)
(Ahhhhhh)
At the end of the day (At the end of the day)
We must monetize our assets
The fundamentals have changed
Can you visualize a value-added experience?
That will grow the business infrastructure and
Monetize our assets
Monetize our assets
Monetize our assets
Bringing to the table
Our capitalized reputation
Proactively overseeing
Day-to-day operations
Services and deliverables
With cross-platform innovation
Networking soon will bring seamless integration
Robust and scalable, bleeding-edge and next-generation
Best of breed
We'll succeed
In achieving globalization
Gaining traction with our resources in the marketplace
It's mission-critical to stay incentivized
Against this purple-poster-flexible-solutions for our customer base
If you can't think outside the box
You'll be downsized
It's a paradigm shift! (Hey, Hey! Look out!)
Well, it's a paradigm shift, now!

I'm waking up in Cheeto dust
My belly's covered with pizza crust
I'm using my inhaler now
I'm out of shape, fattening up
I'm sipping Coke from a solo cup
Donut crumbs are upon my lips, whoa
The TV's on, I really hate this show
I can't reach my remote control
Welcome to my new place, to my new place
Sorry it's a cramped space, but it's my place
I'm really inactive, I'm so inactive
I'm really inactive, highly inactive
My muscle's gone, I'm atrophied
Always lose my fight with gravity
I rest my bones, and just chillax
My nordictrack's collecting dust
And my stairmaster's a pile of rust
This is it, the inertia
I can't get up, this couch is part of me
I'm growing cobwebs on my knee
Pretty sad for my age, sad for my age
I could read my rib cage, here is my age
I'm really inactive, yes, quite inactive
I'm really inactive, not very active
Near comatose, no exercise
Don't tag my toe, I'm still alive
I'm giving up, my energy is shot.
I'm never moving from this spot
Never move from this place, move from this place
I'll stay here in this place, right in this place
I'm really inactive, just so inactive
I'm really inactive, not so attractive

My maid is cleaning my bathroom, so I can't take a shower
When I do, the water starts getting cold after an hour
I couldn't order off the breakfast menu, cause I slept in till two
Then I filled up on bread, didn't leave any room for tiramisu
Oh no, there's a pixel out in the corner of my laptop screen
I don't have any bills in my wallet small enough for the vending machine
Some idiot just called me up on the phone, what!? Don't they know how to text? OMG!
I got
First world, first world problems
I bought too many groceries for my refrigerator
Forgot my gardener's name, I'll have to ask him later
Tried to fast forward commercials, can't - I'm watching live T.V
I'm pretty sure the cookies in this airport lounge ain't gluten free
My barista didn't even bother to make a design in the foam on the top of my vanilla latte
First world, first world problems
Can't remember which car I drove to the mall
My Sonicare won't recharge, now I gotta brush my teeth like a neanderathal
The thread count on these cotton shes has got me itching
My house is so big, I can't get WiFi in the kitchen
Uh, I had to buy something I didn't even need just so I could qualify for free shipping on Amazon
First world, first world problems

It might seem crazy, wearing stripes and plaid
I Instagram every meal I've had
All my used liquor bottles are on display
We can go to see a show but I'll make you pay
Wear my belt with suspenders and sandals with my socks
Got some new glitter Uggs and lovely pink sequined Crocs
Never let you forget some favor I did for you
If you're okay with that, then, you might just be tacky, too
I meet some chick, ask her this and that
Like 'Are you pregnant girl, or just really fat?' (what?)
Well, now I'm dropping names almost constantly
That's what Kanye West keeps telling me, here's why
Wear my Ed Hardy shirt with fluorescent orange pants
Got my new resume it's printed in Comic Sans
Think it's fun threatening waiters with a bad Yelp review
If you think that's just fine, then, you're probably tacky, too
Bring me shame, can't nothing
Bring me shame, I never know why
Bring me shame, can't nothing
Bring me shame, I said
Bring me shame, can't nothing
Bring me shame, it's pointless to try
Bring me shame, can't nothing
Bring me shame, I said
43 Bumper Stickers and a YOLO license plate
Bring along my coupon book whenever I'm on a date
Practice my twerking moves in line at the DMV
Took the whole bowl of restaurant mints. Hey, it said they're free
I get drunk at the bank
And take off my shirt, at least
I would live-tweet a funeral, take selfies with the deceased
If I'm bit by a zombie, I'm probably not telling you
If you don't think that's bad, guess what, then you're tacky, too

Tuesday morning, eight-fifteen
I was riding to work on the Jackson Park Express
Seemed like any other day
Then my whole world changed
In a way I never could have guessed
Cause she walked in (oh, oh)
Took her seat right across the aisle
I knew we had a special connection
The moment I saw her smile
She smiled as if to say
Hello... Haven't seen you on this bus before
I gave her a look that said
Heh... Life is funny. You never know what's in store
By the way your hair is beautiful
I bet it smells like raisins
She looked at me in a way that asked
Did you have a nose job or something?
I'm only asking, cause your nose looks slightly better
Than the rest of your face
I arched my eyebrow, ever so slightly
Which was my way of asking
Do you want my old Hewlett-Packard printer?
It still works, kinda
And I got a bunch of ink cartridges left
Then, she let out a long sigh
Which, I took to mean
Uh, Mama, What is that deodorant you're wearing?
It's intoxicating
Why don't we drive out to the country sometime
And collect deer ticks in a zip-lock baggie?" Oh yeah
I gave her a penetrating stare
Which could only mean
You are my answer, my answer to everything
Which is why, I'll probably do very poorly
On the written part of my driver's test
Yes, It all happened
On the Jackson Park Express!
I knew she was starting to fall for me
Cause she crinkled her nose, which unmistakably meant
Baby, lets wear each other's clothes
And speak in a thick German accent
And maybe someday we can own and operate
Our own mobile pet-grooming service
I couldn't hold back my feelings
I gave her a look, that said
I would make any sacrifice for your love
Goat, chicken, whatever
I could never hold you close enough
Let's have our bodies surgically grafted together
Oh, surgically grafted together
She picked up her newspaper, and started reading to herself
Which I'm sure, was a way of telling me
When you're cold, I will warm you
When you're shivering, I will hold you
When your nauseous, I will give you Pepto-Bismol every hour
For as long as the symptoms persist
Oh, I, I never, ever want to see you cry
So please let me cauterize your tear ducts with an arc welder
Then, I glanced down, at her shirt, for a second
In a way that clearly implied
I like your boobs
Yes, It all happened
On the Jackson Park Express!
I cleared my throat quietly, and then, I looked away
And I'm sure it was obvious to her, just what I was trying to say
I was trying to say "Hey"
I'd like to make a wall-sized mural out of all the dead skin cells
That you slough off while you sleep at night
Whoa-o-Oh, I'd like to rip you wide open
And french-kiss every single one of your internal organs
Oh, I'd like to remove all your skin, and wear your skin, over my own skin
But not in a creepy way
Then, I'm pretty sure, she looked at me, out of the corner of her good eye
And, though, she never spoke a word, this is exactly what I heard
She was saying "Oh"
I wanna make out with you, in an abandoned toll-booth, in the middle of a monsoon
I wanna ride dolphins with you, in the moonlight
Until the staff at Sea World kicks us out
I want you inside me, oh, like a tapeworm
I pointed to the side of my mouth, as a way of indicating
Hey, I think you got something on the side of your mouth
She licked the corner of her lips, as if to say
Here? I nodded, implying, "Yeah, you got it
And, then the bus stopped, at 53rd Street, and she got up suddenly
Where are you going?, pleaded my eyes. Baby, don't you do this to me
Think of the beautiful children we could have someday
We could school them at home, raise them up the right way
And protect them from the evils of the world
Like trigonometry and prime numbers, oh no
Baby, please don't go
She brushed my leg, as she left the bus
I'm sure that was her way of saying
I'm sorry this just isn't working out
You're suffocating me
I need some space to find out what life's all about
So, goodbye forever, my love
And deep inside, I knew she was right
It was time for us both to move on
And though, I never got her number, oh no no
She never bothered to leave her address.
Oh, but as long as I live, I'll never forget
Those precious moments we shared together