Once I knew transitioning is most likely the way to go, I contacted my vårdcentral (local health care center) where I was treated for my depression before. I got an appointment with a psychologist in order to get him write a letter to ANOVA, which is a team of health care specialists dealing with various related topics, trans* included. Told him the whole thing. He asked questions, took notes of my answers. Later he gave me a call about the process. He said the letter is there and it will take nearly 6 months for me to receive my first appointment. Bummer. Half-a-fucking-year of waiting. Not that I didn't know it before since there are quite a few online resources telling how long one needs to stay strong in order to not commit suicide.
Came out to my friends, everyone was very accepting. Some of my friends from the other country made a few pretty transphobic jokes while not meaning bad. Oh well, it's fine. They get it eventually and use name and pronouns correctly. Considering how much transphobic and homophobic my ex-country is, I consider it a miracle.
Came out to my parents over Skype since they live far away, in the country I wish to not visit ever again. Complete denial, anger, gaslighting and even threats of physical violence. I'll list a few "standard arguments" a lot of parents try to use against their own children:
- You are not
insert gender here! - You're an idiot. An idiot. A stupid fucking idiot.
- This is a phase, you've always been like that, jumping from one thing to another.
- You're mentally sick. Ask doctors to check you up.
- Did doctors convince you? These bastards... Fucking Western Europe...
- This is an effect of
insert antidepressant here, I've just read it! - Do you want us to die of a heart attack?
- If you ever chose to proceed, I think we don't want to see you.
- You aren't welcome at our place.
- You think and care only of yourself, always.
- I'll come and beat the shit out of you.
And so on. We still don't talk about this topic anymore. They didn't even read up anything. Fun(?) fact: they believe gender specialists will tell me I'm not trans and I will eventually "get back to normal". Thing is, even if gender specialists would tell me I'm wrong, I would still continue. Why? Read further.
Came out at work. Everyone is accepting, I've got a lot of great responses to my coming out email. People instantly started calling me by new name even though I didn't ask for it in the email. I got gendered correctly as well. Didn't expect any of that, really.
I thought it's not a big deal. There are always things to take care of while waiting. There are hobbies to do. Friends to hang out with. Stuff to read.
Dropped around 7kg in three months by not eating well enough and running once per two days. Developed a skin-care routine. Tried to fix my sleeping routine, but it's still far from perfect.
Installed a voice-training app on my phone, designed specifically for AMABs who want to train a feminine voice. But before I would live alone in my new apartment, there was basically no way I could practice without being distracted all the time. There are surgeries on vocal cords that make your pitch higher, but it also has consequences. You're not going to sing. I want to, so this isn't for me. Besides that, feminine voice isn't just about high pitch. In fact, it's less about pitch than resonance and articulation.
I also dyed my hair a bit. Started putting polish on my nails, mostly just shiny black. I like black color.
My set of clothes started changing as well.
But the closer it would get to the 4 months point, the worse I'd feel. A constant fight between "I should wait" and "why the hell would I ever wait". I still saw a man in the mirror and I hated it more and more.
To feel better I read upon facial hair removal and phoned a place where electrolysis (a very painful method) was one of the options. The woman that picked up didn't really speak English and asked me to call some other place instead, but by insisting I got an appointment there. She would try to convince me not to proceed on that appointment but I was pretty stubborn and she gave up. Remove my hair and JUST TAKE MY MONEY, please. It is expensive.
It's good when there is money. Many people don't have it enough. Many people don't have it at all. Swedish health care system takes care of that by requiring one to pay up to a specific amount, and then you don't pay anything at all for this year. The problem is, Swedish health care doesn't really help when you're transgender and might kill yourself before ANOVA will diagnose you and allow to use Swedish health care system to pay for the things like hair removal. Or provide HRT (hormone replacement therapy).
You can't get HRT before the diagnosis. I mean, you can, but that means buying online from another country, hoping it will come through customs. But it's expensive and it seems doctors are reluctant to give you free blood analysis just because you decided to go DIY HRT.
There are labs that will take your money and take a great care of your blood. But it's very expensive.
You can't get surgery before the diagnosis. I mean, you can, but probably by flying elsewhere after being on a waiting list of length that is proportional to surgeon's skills and results. And it's EXTREMELY expensive.
It's expensive to make yourself feel better.
While doing electrolysis was good, it wasn't enough. Every day it would get worse.
I read a lot of stories about mental effects of HRT and it was too late to forget them. I wasn't much interested in looking better, mostly just wanted to not get into the same state of depression and going suicidal like before, since now I knew the reasons behind.
I lasted for 4 months. Then I created a long document with all the variants of antiandrogens and estrogen possible, with prices, assumed dosages per day. I sorted the list by "ranking" all of the items after reading as much as possible about every single one of them. It just ended up with most expensive ones at the top. Then I lasted for two more weeks and ordered it online.
I was excited and horrified at the same time. Excited because finally there is a chance of being alive throughout 2017. Horrified because it might kill me just as well if I do things wrong. All this stuff can be bad at your liver, apparently.
I got pills about one month later, a bit before moving to a new apartment.
An antiandrogen. The one killing testosterone. Not approved in USA, but is used in Europe.
Rumor has it, Spironolactone makes your boobs smaller. Cyproterone, on the other hand, is way more powerful and also activates progesterone receptors. Rumor has it, Progesterone makes your boobs bigger and shapes them better. It sounded like a double win.
I start with 25mg, half of a pill each morning. Two weeks after I reduce it to 12.5mg, then week after raise again to 12.5mg twice per day (morning and evening). I have no idea what I'm doing but apparently my balls get like x4 times smaller, or something. I don't feel any need for sex, at all. That is actually great.
My hairline just stopped receding altogether and now it's covered with lots of vellus hair. If it's not too late with HRT, I might even get my widow's peak fixed in a few years.
Not micronised, it has to go through your mouth, end up in your stomach, and then through your liver into the blood flow.
Each pill is just 2mg-worth, which is considered "low", I guess. Rumor has it, starting with estrogen before killing off your testosterone is basically throwing estrogen pills into trash can. I waited one week before starting. Cyproterone is amazingly quick anyway.
For two weeks nothing happened. Then I cried for no reason, once. Then I started laughing more. Smiling more. Feeling better in general. Not as aggressive as before.
One and half months in, my skin is very soft and not as oily as before, my eyelashes are getting even bigger (they were huge regardless), the shape of eyelids is changing. The face as a whole seems to be at change but considering how often I look into mirror it's hard for me to spot where exactly the difference is. Body hair grows slower and in some places it becomes thinner and discolored. I smell better, too.
I never took selfies before. I'd ask not to take pictures of me. Now almost every day is a selfie day. Sometimes I like what's in the picture, sometimes I hate it, no idea what's different from one day to another.
One night my nipples start hurting. Might need some kind of a bra soon.
It is. No regrets whatsoever.
They are not a huge team and waiting list is very long. Applying in the end of August 2016 meant I'd have to wait for 7 months. It is longer now. I feel so sorry for everyone who ends up in waiting mode. This really needs to change.
My first appointment is at 8am but I wake up at 5am. I go there, show my ID, pay 150kr and sit waiting.
A person calls me by my dead name and that's fine because they don't know new one yet. We go into a room to have a long talk with lots of questions and answers. Things I wrote in the intro are basically the answers to many of these questions. I mentioned coming out as well. I weeped at the point of my night dreams, there is just no other way.
We talked about the changes I want to achieve.
Finally, I was told what will happen next. My next appointment will be in one or two months from now, there will be many appointments with specialists of different kind (I'll mention which ones when I visit them first).
I told about DIY HRT, wrote down the kinds and current dosages, and they said a blood test will be arranged right away. The whole talk went really well. I felt comfortable throughout it, and happy after. Then I sat and waited for another person to call me (by my new name this time!) for a blood test. It was fairly quick, no pain, no faint.
People at ANOVA made me feel better.
The next appointment is in May, and it seems to be regarding my blood test.