From 2b1d3e0833879339223b589dfbbcb8370e8cf79a Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Xavier Delamotte Date: Tue, 11 Jun 2024 12:01:41 +0100 Subject: [PATCH] =?UTF-8?q?The=20software=20engineer=E2=80=99s=20guide=20t?= =?UTF-8?q?o=20asserting=20dominance=20in=20the=20workplace?= MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=UTF-8 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit --- ...to-asserting-dominance-in-the-workplace.md | 105 ++++++++++++++++++ 1 file changed, 105 insertions(+) create mode 100644 _posts/2024-06-11-the-software-engineers-guide-to-asserting-dominance-in-the-workplace.md diff --git a/_posts/2024-06-11-the-software-engineers-guide-to-asserting-dominance-in-the-workplace.md b/_posts/2024-06-11-the-software-engineers-guide-to-asserting-dominance-in-the-workplace.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6c7951a --- /dev/null +++ b/_posts/2024-06-11-the-software-engineers-guide-to-asserting-dominance-in-the-workplace.md @@ -0,0 +1,105 @@ +--- +layout: post +title: The software engineer’s guide to asserting dominance in the workplace +category: Dev +--- + +Exported +from https://medium.com/feature-creep/the-software-engineer-s-guide-to-asserting-office-dominance-ddea7b598df7#.rezim5fbs +which was posted on 22 Jan 2016 by [Daniel Wu](https://medium.com/@dangwu) + +As a software engineer, changing jobs is a way of life. Every day, beautiful recruiters from top tech companies reach +out to you on LinkedIn with new opportunities, and each new job equals higher pay and an opportunity to reinvent +yourself for the better — as long as you know _how_ to. Here is a handy first-week guide to becoming the alpha of your +new workplace. + +## Monday + +On your first day of work, your focus should be entirely on Physical Establishment of Dominance in the Office. Humans +are hard-wired to follow the biggest and strongest. Once you have proven yourself with the PEDO principle, you will +command the respect and admiration of your team, and every other aspect of becoming the alpha naturally falls into +place. + +Wake up early on Monday, hit the weights and dehydrate yourself for enhanced vascularity. Take a shower afterwards, but +put your tight-fitting, sweaty Under Armour gym clothes back on. You’ll arrive at work looking swole, focused, and ready +to get shit done. + +After arriving at work, your number one priority is picking your desk. If you can get a standing desk, get one. Being at +higher ground is a position of power. This advantage is especially important in open-office environments. People need to +look up to you — even if only literally. Always pick a corner desk when available, and position it with your back to the +corner so you are overlooking your coworkers. Angle your monitors so that one is only visible by you. Needless to say, +this is your dedicated Facebook monitor. For your other monitor, keep code and a terminal on full display at all times. + + +Optimize lunch time by mixing protein shakes and doing body weight exercises. + +After lunch, bring a ten pound tub of whey protein powder to your desk and slam it down. Ten pounds is the largest size +of the powder that is currently sold. If larger sizes are sold in the future, you should obviously switch to that. And +don’t wait until you finish your current tub either. Immediately purchase the larger size and display it in a prominent +position on your desk. + +The brand of the protein powder must be Optimum Nutrition, as it is the gold standard of whey. You are the gold standard +of software engineering. You’ll need at least two Blender bottles as well, with three to four being the most optimal +number. Leave them around the office as a form of territorial marking. + +Spend the rest of the day meeting your teammates and noting their weaknesses. At night, prepare ten hard-boiled eggs for +Tuesday. + +## Tuesday + +After Monday’s display of physicality, you need to spend Tuesday getting your development environment set up. Checkout +your team’s code from the git repo and start ramping up. If your new team doesn’t use git, announce your resignation +immediately and walk out. + +Eat your hard-boiled eggs sporadically throughout the day, but save one. Do not take any breaks except to mix protein +shakes. Remember that you should be consuming one gram of protein per pound of body weight, or per line of code +written — whichever is greater. + +Spend the rest of the day familiarizing yourself with the team’s codebase. Every five to ten minutes, let out a deep +sigh and write something down on a notepad. Maintain a demeanor of mild disgust on your face that gets increasingly more +annoyed as you browse through more and more of the code. Mumble words like “refactor” and “rewrite” under your breath. +Start drawing random complex architectural diagrams on your whiteboard. By 3 PM you should be visibly angry. Eat some +chili peppers to force yourself to sweat. At 4 PM, allow your rage to boil over and throw your last egg at the wall in a +fit of rage. Slam your laptop closed and head home early. + +## Wednesday + +Wednesday is time to institute your technical sovereignty. Be the first one at your daily stand-up, and run it like the +Scrum master you know you are. If someone talks for more than ten seconds, immediately interrupt them and tell them to +take it offline. Bring a notepad and take notes with a black pen. Keep a second red pen in your pocket. + +When it’s your turn to speak, go on a long rant about all the horrible design patterns you’ve discovered in the code on +Tuesday. Announce that you have already started designing the architecture of the inevitable re-write. Name-drop as many +of the latest software frameworks and technologies as possible throughout your rant. Use words like big data, cloud, and +scalability. Mention test-driven development at least three to four times. + +As you are speaking, lock eye-contact with the person to your left, and do not break until they look away. At this +point, lock eye-contact with the person to their left, and do the same. By the time you are finished speaking, you will +have gone full circle and sent a clear alpha signal to each of them. Perform this ritual at every stand-up. + +If someone tells _you_ to take it offline while you are speaking, brush it off. Inform them that what are you saying is +the most important thing that has ever been spoken at this company. Then, pull the red pen out of your pocket and +scribble their name down. + +## Thursday + +By Thursday, you have demonstrated that you are the strongest, smartest, and most passionate engineer on your team. When +you get to your desk, rip your standard-issue keyboard out and slide it off your desk. Plug in your own mechanical +keyboard with Cherry MX Green or Blue switches. Your typing will now be a constant audible reminder to your teammates +that you aren’t fucking around. + +Log into your team’s bug-tracking software and look around for some low-hanging fruit to fix. Spend the rest of the day +working and fixing them, but don’t send any code reviews out. + +As you are working, make sure to look extra pissed off at all times, like you can’t believe how your teammates managed +to write such crappy code. Type more and more furiously as the day progresses. Do not eat lunch. Do not take breaks. +Only leave your desk when you are the last man in the office. + +At around 10 PM, remote in from home and send your first CR out to your team. In an hour, send another CR out. You +should have fixed enough bugs during the day to do this for the next four to five hours. You are one hard-working, +dedicated, bad-ass motherfucker. + +## Friday + +It’s the last day of your first week, and if you followed this guide perfectly you are now undoubtedly the alpha of your +new team. Send a working-from-home e-mail out and take the day off. You deserve it.