Quartz sync: Jan 13, 2024, 9:35 AM

content/Notes to Write Next.md

@@ -27,6 +27,7 @@ TODO:
   - One of my favorite YouTube videos of all time (the Sonic 06 real time fandub) featuring an instrumental version Ke$ha's "Die Young" in the opening scene, which I really enjoyed
   - My school username using the year 2021 the whole time, with me not knowing it would be the most consequential year of my lifetime
 - Ragdoll cats
+- The irony of being so careful yet this happened to me
 - On pessimism and finding joy in the things and outcomes that cannot be taken away
 - The possibility of losing my personality and behavior to brain damage, disavowing antisocial, inappropriate, or abusive states due to damage
 - Preserving my face and voice (Also how my favorite feature was my eyes)
@@ -51,6 +52,7 @@ TODO:
 - The inability to capture everything, accepting incompleteness
 - How strange it is that I feel like I just became conscious one day
 - The outward appearance of dying young
+- The Champions from Breath of the Wild, Champion's Ballad picture scene
 - How things could only have happened in the exact way they did
 - Being glad that I messed around outside of school, as this formed some of my happiest memories
 - Discovering my passion for programming in 4th grade

content/Personal/Getting Ahead of the End.md

@@ -0,0 +1 @@
+TODO: Write about preparing for my death way ahead of time is something I would definitely do given my tendency to prepare ahead of time, and would apply to other situations

content/Personal/God Isn't Punishing Me.md

@@ -1,3 +1,11 @@
-Some might attribute my misfortune to divine intervention, a punishment from God, for some reason, be it my agnostic atheism or left-leaning views. Assuming that God exists for the sake of this argument, I don't believe that this is the case.
+Some might attribute my misfortune to divine intervention, a punishment from God, for some reason, be it my agnostic atheism or left-leaning views. Assuming that God exists for the sake of this argument, I don't believe that this is the case. Assuming I am deceased by the time someone reads this: Although I'm aware that holding an argument from beyond the grave is just as futile as holding one while living, I will state my position here anyway.
 
-TODO: Points
+God would most likely want this death to be drawn out and painful. But this is not what I currently observe.
+
+- **I processed most of my anxiety about death already.** My constant fear of my [[The Disease|disease]] worsening, which later proved to be justified, prepared me for the possibility that I would not survive it. Eventually, I grew to accept that outcome more.
+- **Most of my pain has disappeared.** The neuropathic pain my disease presented with has all but completely subsided now. Additionally, my psychological pain is diminished because of the above point.
+- **I have time to write about and process my own death.** A punishment would be to prevent this from happening altogether, given my introspective nature.
+- **I still feel gratitude and joy thinking about the parts of life I enjoyed most.** I'm really happy to have been alive, and these feelings only add to it.
+- **I am likely to die in my sleep, completely unaware.** This is what I believe to be the [[Sleep is a Death Filter|least painful cause of death.]]
+
+These factors create a calm, introspective time period, relatively devoid of pain and dotted with moments of joy. And, if I pass away, it will be in the least painful way possible. That doesn't sound like a punishment; if anything, it sounds like something a forgiving god would do if I was destined to die young.

content/Personal/Sleep is a Death Filter.md

@@ -1,9 +1,15 @@
-Since I've developed breathing problems as part of my [[The Disease|disease]], which primarily happen during sleep, I've realized that I am at much more risk of death when I go to sleep. Right now, when my respiration fails, I'm roused from sleep. However, if the mechanism by which running out of air wakes me up is compromised, I may not survive.
+Since I've developed breathing problems as part of my [[The Disease|disease]], which primarily happen during sleep, I've realized that I am at much more risk of death during those times. Right now, when my respiration fails, I'm roused from sleep. However, if the mechanism by which running out of air wakes me up is compromised, I may not survive.
 
-If such an event were to happen, I will most likely perceive nothing and have no awareness. From my perspective, I will simply cease to exist in an instant, as if I were a robot being unplugged.
+If such an event were to happen, I will most likely perceive nothing and have no awareness. From my perspective, I will simply cease to exist in an instant, as if I were software on a computer being unplugged.
 
-This might be the least painful death possible, with no acute physical or psychological pain. Years ago, I theorized that an instant (or perceived to be instant) death with no awareness of it happening would be the least bad cause of death for these reasons. It does, however, come at the cost of closure.
+This might be the least painful death possible, with no acute physical or psychological pain. Years ago, I theorized that an instant (or perceived to be instant) death with no awareness of it happening would be the most painless cause of death for these reasons. It does, however, come at the cost of closure.
 
 My situation feels like a hybrid of instant death and having awareness of it. While I posess awareness of my potentially deadly scenario, I may not have any awareness of when my death actually happens. So, I can strike a balance: I can [[Publishing Life After Death|leave closure for people now]] and be grateful for existing, while not having to experience the scariest part - the final moments.
 
-If this is indeed what will happen, then although my life will be cut short, this is [[God Isn't Punishing Me|the best death I could have possibly asked for]].
+If this is indeed what will happen, then although my life will be cut short, this is [[God Isn't Punishing Me|the best death I could have possibly asked for]].
+
+The awareness of my risk now makes sleep feel like a filter.
+
+Imagine a machine with an empty metal doorframe that you are forced to keep stepping through. It's easy to walk right through it, and usually nothing will happen. However, there is a less than 1% chance that when you cross that threshold, it will instantly phase you out of existence, never to return.
+
+Sleep is like that filter. It creates a discontinuity in consciousness, and one day, there may be nothing on the other side. You can delay it, but eventually, you have to step through.